Thursday, December 29, 2011

What happened in Vegas

We went there is September, you may be wondering, why all these crazy posts after all this time? Ha! Keep wondering. I kid, I got a "job" at an office again and have time! Lucky you, I'm starting with all my draft posts.

My beauty was 10 months on October 2nd, I breastfed her since the day she was born. I use past tense because those days are over and my heart is heavy. D, being the awesome guy he is, won a contest at his company which included a 5 day/4 night trip to Las Vegas. Grace was getting bigger and her attention span was getting smaller, our intimate feedings were becoming a pain as she was interested in everything else than the actual feeding.

I still miss it, I will always miss it. She is so big now, walking and trying to run all over the place. It feels like we just blinked and there she was all grown and walking. She's so silly.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

2nd installment Year in Review

11) What was the best thing you bought?
Membership to the Y, I need to go more, but it's nice to get that "break" away from the girl, meet other people and get back in shape and be healthy.

12) Whose behavior merited celebration?
TD, he got a facebook!

13) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Someone who I haven't confronted yet.

14) Where did most of your money go?
Food, diapers and smokes, I probably should have listed that under things I failed at this year (I started smoking again after G was born). Now the internets know my dirty little secret.

15) What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Vegas Baby!

16) What song will always remind you of 2011?
"It Will Rain" - Bruno Mars

17) Compared to this time last year, are you:
- happier or sadder? Happier.
- thinner or fatter? Thinner, I was still losing the pregnancy weight.
- richer or poorer? No change.

18) What do you wish you'd done more of?
Making plans
Being outside

19) What do you wish you'd done less of?

20) How will you be spending Christmas?
At my parents' house with family.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

2011 Year in review

My bloggy friend posted this and I thought, that's a great idea, so I stole it and called her my friend. Christine does live in Indy and I've been meeting some pretty cool peeps through twitter and blogs, so adding one more to the list would be AWESOME! Anywho, on with the survey! I broke it up so it wasn't a novel. So for the first part-

1) What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Felt honest to goodness unconditional love, understood what it meant to really be a mother. Everyone can tell you, but until you experience it yourself you have NO idea. I watched the little grow and have personality!

2) Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Didn't really do resolutions, wanted to be a good mother and make good choices for our family, but didn't do anything out of the ordinary.

3) Did anyone close to you give birth?
Pretty much EVERYONE, there was an explosion of babies this year. I like to think I started this trend, babies are the new black.

4) Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, in January, it was early and a shock. My BFF's mom, God wanted his angel back.

5) What countries did you visit?
Mexico and Las Vegas (I count LV as a country because it's unlike anything I had ever seen before).

6) What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
A life in Indy, not just being here, but actually living here. I'm physically here, but mentally in WI, I am working on that

7) What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 7, that was the day we got the phone call about Erin and stupid cancer and Labor Day for reasons I will not discuss on the blog. December 1 and 2 for my girl's first birthday.

8) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
BF'ing my girl for 10 months!

9) What was your biggest failure?
Not making Indy my home and being immature when it came to my relationship with D, threatening to go back to WI often when we would argue. And my blog, but I'm working on that.

10) Did you suffer illness or injury?
"The doctor said most of my injuries are emotional."

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

What's YOUR number?

Currently, we have 56 shows set to record on our dvr. Ok, ok, if we're being honest I have 56 shows set to record on our dvr. I think it's a sickness. I have started to despise commercials, when something is on we want to watch, I'll wait 15 minutes to avoid commercials.

The show I'm most ashamed of having recorded is Dr. Phil, I just can't deal with all those lawyer commercials and online college commercials. Dr. Phil's "hour" show takes me 15 minutes to watch since I miss all the sensationalizations (is that a word?), before, during and after the "meat" of the show.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

How do YOU do it?

Excuse me, but I need to get personal, very private... After Grace took her first limo ride (to pick you the babysitter nonetheless, in a "Desperate Housewives" kind of move).

We enjoyed the rest of the weekend, with one exception... The screaming, whiney, kid at the restaurant.

I felt my blood boiling over. You know that thought that crosses your mind "if that were MY kid..." I was a little hungover, as we FINALLY had a babysitter and yours truly enjoyed my new found (not bfing anymore) freedom enjoying a couple two, three, seven, eight, nine dirty martinis the previous night (we did have a limo to drive us home).

The majority of "mom blogs" I read still have sweet angel babies from the heavens, the few others with older children, well, apparently their kids don't ever misbehave in public, or they never blog about that.

Hypothetically we can say "I will never yada yada yada" or "I would just yada yada yada," but I'm looking for real true life experiences. Do you just leave every.single.event anytime your child is in the throws of a temper tantrum? Do you spank them? Do you find a place for timeout? Do you do none of the above and have another tried and true method when dealing with a screaming, whiney child?

Please discuss.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

I want my readers back, readers back, readers back

Hi there, been so long! So much has been happening and still so little has been happening. Most exciting news we have is we got an offer accepted on house here in Indy! I've joined the Y in hopes of losing that extra weight I gained from not nursing. I got a job that didn't turn out so awesome, but then got a new job that will allow me to blog again! For 13 uninterrupted hours a week, I get to be me again, well, a working me again, but it's a slow time of the year so I get to blog! It's a pretty cool gig. My girl turned one and is a monster! It's funny, I thought I had so much to say and so much to write, but then I got my chance and it's a whole lot of nothing. So, for now, I just want to welcome you back and hopefully I'll have what it takes to be a blog of substance once again!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Almost 11 months later..

Oh my girl, my baby, the one that was my belly (I just wrote is and corrected it), the one that we just finished getting your shower gifts organized. Yeah, that one.

This is her now, well, actually it was her yesterday and tomorrow she'll be a teenager stomping her feet and rolling her eyes at me as I jam out to "Imma Be."

Treasure your first year everyone tells you and I did, I really soaked it up. I had my moments and since she became mobile and walking - I have them more often, but I enjoyed it. I miss her dinasour noises those first few weeks we brought her home. I miss her screaming her head off for no apparent reason months 2-3. I miss her learning to sit and wobbling around during tummy time, trying so hard to hold up her big noggin. Then she became a person, my girl, with so much personality. So silly.

She cuddled up next to me this afternoon before our nap, sat next to me while we watched Judge Mathis (stay classy) and I stroked her hair and kissed her head (which still has it's own version of cradle cap on it) all the while knowing this moment could be cut short on her terms now. She has no idea how much I ache for her to be my snuggly girl, how after she's asleep I'll hold her for a half hour or more just because that's what we did for so many months as we learned eachothers features. One day, sooner than I hope, I won't be able to hold her in my arms anymore.

I love her so much it's unbelieveable, but as much as I soaked it, I'm still wishing I could have had one more day...

Saturday, September 3, 2011

I feel, therefore I am

Feelings, nothing more than feelings... Ahem, pardon my singing, but when those feelings turn into a reality what do you do? My OMGinIndy has been far from perfect, although I never expected perfect, I had an expectancy for certain things. That we would be a family, that I would be enough for D, that we would find friends who would become family in this city away from "our city."

I'm missing home something fierce. I'm missing Grace playing with her cousins and watching my crazy family take care of my girl. She doesn't know what she's missing out on, but I do.

It's much more than what is here, it's picnics and cookouts and lazy afternoons on the lake, it's gatherings and get togethers and celebrations of milestones, it's goofy pollacks laughing and snorting reminising about the days of old.

It's friends, who now have children, watching our kids playing together and thinking of how different this "hanging out" is.

It's overwhelming, it's challenging... It's starting to feel less and less of a home.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Not a girl, not yet a woman

My girl is growing. Yes, she is still a "baby," however, she is no longer the stationary, cuddly, fragile girl I brought home 8 1/2 months ago. Last week, I reorganized my house. Some call it "baby proofing," I'm simply trying to make it more "baby friendly" and a little more organized.

She is my only child, the one who made me a mother. I love her, I spoil her, I want to see her happy, not cry, it hurts my heart, but I'm slowly getting over that. I need to get things done during the day and she needs to be independent. There's still a bunch of kinks to work out. It will take more than a week to outsmart a baby, even with a college degree!

Our front room was just that, a room in the front of our house. It was becoming storage for diaper bags, car seat, and large, "containment devices" for the child (i.e. jumper/swing) that were just in the way in our living room. I didn't take any before pictures as I wasn't intending on creating a "how to" post and since I used things we had already purchased to create a play room for Grace. It turned out nice though and since I am far from crafty, I thought sharing would help out other non-crafty moms (it's amazing what a little TLC will do to a room).

These shelves were literally sitting around collecting dust, I dust them off and organized her toys, I will switch them out as she cannot reach the ones on the top shelf...yet.

The end of the shelf begins the "walking wall" it is just as it sounds, things we use on a regular enough basis which she can use to pull herself up and walk around in. Sorry about the blurriness, this girl is on a mission!

She could stop for a quick pose though.

Lastly, a little play area by the window so she can people and animal watch and enjoy the sunshine while getting some learning in.

Our home is still filled with baby stuff, but our living room is not. Gone is the cluttered mess and in place is a functional space for all of us to enjoy.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

How I'm the idiot

Mothering is tough, any mother knows and it's not something that you can comprehend until you have children of your own.

Grace is 8 1/2 months old and some days it gets so darn overwhelming. She's walking up on EVERYTHING she can pull herself up on and leaves everything in disarray. No matter how clean I try to keep my house, she'll find a crumb or a fuzz or a piece of grass and pop it in her mouth. She's learned that when she does that to keep her jaw clenched because the big mean mama is coming to dig out whatever she put in there.

I thought I had outsmarted her yesterday, I finally moved the books she kept pulling off the shelf from the 2nd cubby to the 5th (top) cubby and today after throwing in another load of laundry I find this:

Baby 87, Mom O

Thursday, August 11, 2011


I was chatting with my fellow Canadian mother, who, like me is also in a relationship with her "baby daddy." We don't want a big wedding, our wedding day will not be the most important day of our life, the day we met our daughters was. A wedding will never ever come thisclose to the moment in my life when I first held and locked eyes with the beautiful child we had created. With that said, I still want to be married dammit.

I went to my boyfriend's office today(dropping off gym clothes for him and bringing him lunch), when I arrived he was finishing up a conversation on the phone and he told the person on the other end, "yeah I gotta go my wife and kid just showed up with lunch." I replied how I always do "I am not you wife." It bothers me, yes I am "like" his wife, but not really. It's not about the ring or the piece of paper(although that's nice to have), it's the vows, the promise to forever and always love...

Silly, I know.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Bringing sexyback & baby crack

Hi all,

First and foremost, thank you for sticking by me while I remain on a self proclaimed hiatus from blogging. Life hasn't been all rainbows and sunshine in the recent months, having a baby changes everything, having a baby with a man you knew for 3 months rocks your entire world. I'm happy to report we are on the right path, we've had to try a few different things some worked, some did not, some needed clarification... BUT we are still in love even though we have our days. Who doesn't right?

It has been one year since I've been in Indy! At times it feels like it's been a long year, I spent a week in Milwaukee this month surrounded by my great friends and wonderful family and it was much needed. I knew when we moved that it would be tough, having a baby makes it that much more difficult. I've gained a few great friends which I am so happy about, I still need to learn to spend time away from the baby, to have D watch her and go enjoy my friends. I'm working on that.

Onto the important stuff, next week, my babe will be 7 months old!!! She's army crawling all over the place and is so proud of herself. According to my mom, I was walking at 9 months and I have no doubt my baby will be around that time too. She is so determined, it's hard to try and sit her down as she locks her legs and wants to stand, she'll even take some steps while holding on to our fingers, she's on a mission.

It's awesome watching her learn, amazing when she "crawls" to me, and funny when she wants attention (mostly when we are eating). Her thing is to crawl around the table, put her head in her arms and cry... we don't respond, she moves a little more and repeats. Maybe D is right, she does have me wrapped around her finger and knows how to play me like a fiddle. She's such a goof! But, just this week I found a solution, aka "baby crack."

Before you go calling CPS, let me explain, it's a mesh feeder thingy. It's not crack, it's frozen peas or, if she already had baby food, a banana! Banana's are her crack, she LOVES them almost as much as she loves me. She chomps and sucks until there is nothing left, then whines cause it's gone. Don't mess with the mesh!

My mom is coming this weekend and staying through part of the week. D and I are planning a real honest to gosh date since we have grandma here to watch the babe. Hopefully, I'll be back on track soon with this blog thing. Have a great weekend!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Alone, together.

Grandma and Grandpa took the baby this afternoon. Finally, we have an afternoon all to ourselves.


Relax, this isn't that kind of blog. Instead, D is playing "Angry Birds" on his iPhone and I am catching up on my reader as well as adding new blogs.

Folks, listen - Having a baby DOES change everything! Enjoy your weekend.

P.S. Have you found any great new blogs people need to know about lately?

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Not the mama


Hey all, so now the baton is passed on to me. I have read in my "mom blogs" that babies prefer the mama and Grace is becoming no different. Last night during dinner at the neighbor's (M's) house I wanted to imbibe a few Miller Lite's. I brought my bottle of pumped milk over to the neighbor's house and she offered to feed it to the baby while I prepared, more like, attempted to prepare some dinner. Grace would have none of it, my sweet darling of a girl turned into a pretty p'd off baby. Why? Because M does not stand for mama.

I felt two ways about this - 1) that I am THE MAMA, but b) sometimes mama needs a break and it's okay for her to know that others can and will love and care for her. The toughest thing in the world is hearing your baby cry/scream and knowing that all they want is you. I know I am helping her not be so dependent, but dang it's tough. M has watched her before and we spend a good amount of time with her, but I think my presence prohibited her from getting over the fact that someone else was feeding her and it was not OK. M told me she was not like this when she watched her before (THANK GOD).

I recently started a part time job on the weekends and daddy is looking forward to spending time with Grace one on one, I was nervous, but they both seem to be doing well adjusting to this new schedule - at least that's what D tells me.

It's tough being in a new city and having few friends or family to help my daughter learn that others are capable and willing to love and care for her. We are getting out of the house, but most of our interactions with "outsiders" are limited to me holding her while they smile and look at the baby, the minute I hand her off, she is unhappy, I leave her sight and Bam, all h-e-double hockey sticks breaks loose. Grace has established a comfort zone and I am the mother ship of which it revolves around.

A friend told me babies think like they are thrown onto a foreign planet. It makes sense, they spend 10 months in the womb and come out into this world lost and scared. I love being a mom and just want what is best for her. I am hoping in writing this post someone can come and prove me wrong, that she is just fine when someone else is holding her and really I'm making this up to make me sound more necessary than I really am.

I wholeheartedly believe it takes a village to raise a child and although I do try very hard to keep an open mind with everything, others can influence and instill values in her that I may not be able to. I learned too that being away makes me love and appreciate her more which makes me a better mother and woman. I cannot forget about the woman that I am.

Monday, April 18, 2011


Hi all, long time no talk. I spent a WONDERFUL 8 days and 7 nights with my family at a resort in Huatulco, Mexico. My dad rented a villa for his family and, well, MY family too. Geez, it's still weird seeing the words "my family." For so long I felt as if I would never have that and BAM, it snuck up on me and here they are. Grace was covering her eyes in this picture because, like her momma I think her blue eyes are sensitive to the sun.

Don't worry, Grace was slathered in SPF100 and we quickly went back in the shade after this photo. I think the heat would get to her so we would crawl up to our bedroom and enjoy the cool air.

I was nervous about traveling with her, but she went with it and did pretty well. I got some great tips for traveling with a baby from ThisCasita The trip back was tough with delays and problems on both of our flights, I would have been crying too if it were acceptable for a 28 year old woman to cry due to the long delays. We were worried about getting our connecting flight home to Indy, but that was delayed too!

We visited La Crucicita to see the markets and church. Nearly every woman there was so enamoured with our beautiful baby girl, my mom said it was her blue eyes, I think it's cause she's just so darn cute. :) Grace loved all the attention, but would only tolerate being held by the locals for a short amount of time, then it was back to "the momma."

It was a fun week and much needed vacation for all of us!

Thursday, March 31, 2011

My life was forever changed on this day

Yes, one year ago today my life changed forever when I read one word: pregnant. I mentioned before we weren't not trying to get pregnant, but that test, that day one year ago changed my world forever. It meant I was going to become a mother, I had a life growing inside of me, it was no longer me, myself and I. I would have a family.

It seems like yesterday. I will never, ever forget this day, it will forever be "the anniversary of Grace." It's was the day before April Fools and I could have blabbed I was pregnant, people would write it off as an April Fools day joke. 10 months later the joke would be on them! Yes, a very special day for me and D, one we share with our daughter and it is ours forever. It's better than my birthday, I was reborn that morning one year ago and my life has not nor will not be the same.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Don't wanna miss a thing

Happy Friday Dear Readers! As I sat outside yesterday enjoying the beautiful day in Indy, I looked at my daughter snuggled in my arms and realized this motherhood thing is flying by! She's already sitting in her bumbo, rolled from her belly to her back (was probably her big head leading the way, but she did it 3 times so it wasn't a fluke) and my favorite - she started laughing. I've been enjoying this time with her - she's still my snuggler, she needs her momma. She'll continue to grow and opportunities like we had yesterday will become few and far between as she'll be busy exploring the world, not looking back.

We went to Milwaukee last week, it was so nice to be back to visit with friends and family and to have Grace spend time getting to know them. While driving back, the Aerosmith song that's the title of this post came on and the water works flowed for this momma. I don't want to miss a thing, not a smile, not a kiss and I just want her to stay my lil snuggler. I know that can't happen, but it's truly awesome how much you love your kid.

I've been reading your blogs usually with my baby in my arms and haven't commented, it's our quiet time during the day. I haven't really had too much to say on here either, my baby is growing. It's exhilarating and terrifying at the same time, I want to embrace this time with her, enjoy it, remember it, it will be gone so soon. I know there is plenty to look forward to, but I want to cherish the todays, I understand now why they call it the "present." Cheesy, I know, but I am from Wisconsin (Go Badgers!)!

We gave Grace her first "real" nook, here's how she felt about that:

Grace just woke up from her little snooze, so I'm going to go and snuggle and smile and laugh with my little girl. I hope you all have a great weekend and enjoy the "present."

Friday, February 25, 2011

Life and other details

My babe is not a fan of tummy time. Even though she is protesting in this picture, this is a fav of mine. It's important to remember mommyhood is not all puppies and sunshine, it's mostly puppies and sunshine but not all.

Wednesday, she will be three months old. I don't know where the time went, but it flew by. I have been getting more motivated to finish her nursery since she's running out of room in her bassinet, I hear her hitting the sides more and more while she sleeps waking her and me. She still is sleeping like a champ though.

I know I haven't really blogged a whole lot, last week we had a couple of "nice" days and I took Grace for a few walks and cleaned out my messy car. My beloved Bird died, he was 16 and cockatiels live to be 15-18. My aunt and cousin came down for a visit, we walked around downtown, but mostly we stayed in and played with the babe. She's smiling and cooing a lot lately. I put her newborn clothes away except for some onesie's that still might fit if I ever put them on her (I'm loving the zip-up sleepers right now and since we really don't go anywhere or do a whole lot, they work great and are so simple). I finally got an electric pump and was amazed at what I was missing out on! Definitely worth the money. Grace sat in her bumbo for the first time (I put a blankie and pillow around her to support her neck), she's much more interested in being where she can see the action instead of counting dots on the ceiling.

That's all I've got friends. I am looking forward to a weekend with just the three of us we haven't had one of those for a few weeks with me being in Milwaukee, my parents coming down then my aunt and cousin coming down. Hope you all are doing well!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Life is like a box of chocolates

Hi all, sorry for the lack of posts. I went home to Milwaukee two weekends ago, not a planned trip by any means. Sadly, my bff's mother passed away from the stomach cancer we learned about one day before my birthday. She was a true angel on earth and will be forever missed. I last saw her at my baby shower and when I spoke to her 3 weeks ago, she was so excited to meet baby Grace. I think she met her, because the morning I learned of her passing, little Grace was the smiliest I've seen her. I know Erin is with the Lord, she is back with her Father, but I am so sad to see such a beautiful person's life end so shortly.

I had this fear of traveling with the baby and am happy to report, she did so well on the drive to Milwaukee. It's about 5 hours from my house to my parents house and little Grace snoozed nearly the whole way there. She was waking up a bit when I had to slow down for the tolls in Illinois, but once we were off, she'd doze.

Upon our arrival to the greater Milwaukee area, we stopped at my cousin's house so I could feed the baby (I didn't want to stop at a dirty truck stop) and surprisingly, she wasn't screaming her head off. She met her fur-cousins who sniffed the heck out of her and apparently "good dog" means "jump on my lap even though I'm holding my sweet baby." I was not above hurting the dogs if they hurt my baby, no animals or babies were harmed.

The funeral was on Friday in Appleton, another 2 hour drive. I thought baby Grace was thinking she'd be forever stuck in her car seat in a car, but she was a good sport about it. Afterwards, we went to a pub and thankfully she did not enjoy her first bar experience. It's amazing how you think the world changes after having a baby, there still aren't baby changing stations in a bar bathroom, this mom thought there would be, I don't know why. There never had been in any of the bars I frequented and I probably would have thought badly about mothers bringing babies to bars, but that's what happens when you're a mommy, you get jaded and think now that I have a baby the world should just be convenient for mommies with babies.

I had my aunts, cousins and friends over to meet Grace. It was a fun day and Grace really does love her mommy, I wouldn't say she had "stranger danger" yet, but it proved that Grace hears, looks and wants me. I need to get her out more.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday... Oh Packers how I love thee! Congratulations on a terrific season! Before the big game, Grace got to meet her cousin Reese (she's 10 weeks older). Grace was frustrated Reese could hold her head up, roll and almost sit by herself. Reese was jealous of Grace's long locks.

We cuddled and snuggled and spent time with Grandma and Grandpa. My friend Laurie and her daughter Isabelle stopped by for a quick visit.

We left Tuesday morning.

3 hours after getting into our trip ONE of my worst fears came true. Driving down 65 South, just outside of Gary, a silver minivan was driving north in the southbound lane. Now this wasn't a "OMG, I'm on the wrong side of the hwy" situation, this was a "I have a death wish and want to take as many people as I can with me" situation. Thankfully, Grace had woken up and I was in the right hand lane to exit the highway and stop to feed her. The driver had caused an accident and both sides of the highway were closed, I pray no one was injured. In my 12 years of driving I have never ever seen anything like that and the rest of the trip home I would not pass a vehicle until we were on a straight path and I could see no vehicles were driving towards me.

And as for the title, today I got a coconut filled one and then a yummy chocolate filled one! Lastly, what you really came here for - a picture of the baby.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I believe there are angels among us

I got the news on January 7th, one day before my birthday. My BFF's mom was in the ER, something was wrong, BFF feared it was cancer. BFF was right. Stomach cancer. I told BFF she was strong, we would pray, we would trust that God would take care of her, that God would give her the strength, it was in His hands now. Last night, God decided he wanted his angel back.

I should have gone back to Wisconsin. I spoke with her two weeks ago, she thanked me for the picture of Grace and told me she can't wait to meet her. We were praying, my faith was stronger because of her. She is watching over us now, Grace's smiles over my right shoulder this morning tell me she's there, it's okay, she's with God now. She was one of His children and she adored Him and this morning, she got to go back to her Father, forever.

A true angel among us, I am lucky for the years I spent with her, God wanted his angel back, but I wasn't ready to let her go...

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Mommies shouldn't be judgemental

Should they? I might need to take a break from the 'book,' the facebook that is. I logged on yesterday afternoon, was stalking as I usually do, then I saw it and was filled with OMG! A "friend" of mine went to WIC (Wisconsin's state assistance program) yesterday and was enraged that they were talking about breastfeeding her baby with her. She then ranted that "it's MY body, MY boobs, MY choice and MY baby." I commented "if it's your baby/choice then you should pay for it, no?" I haven't logged on since.

The issue wasn't with her choice to breastfeed or not breastfeed, it's tough when you're the only source of food for your baby (I know from experience). I'm probably making this more dramatic than necessary, but this "entitlement" irks me. When my younger brother's girlfriend got pregnant her response was "...they'll pay for everything so it's no big deal." OMG about that too! The they who pay for that is us, we do not have a choice. I struggle with this.

I judge and I get angry, of course it's not the child's fault. They are innocent and shouldn't have to suffer for the bonehead decisions their parents make, but to bite the hand that feeds you is wrong. There is nothing wrong with being on assistance. Situations happen, circumstances change - babies are very expensive and I want the child to have the best opportunities and life possible.

I understand there are unforeseeable circumstances where a family needs extra help. Planning to have a family because they'll pay for it is, in my opinion, boneheaded. Getting disgusted because the institution that will be giving you citizens' tax dollars to care for your child talked with you about breastfeeding instead of formula, also, imo, boneheaded.

I realize receiving assistance is not glamorous. I've had family and friends who have struggled getting through the system, having to wait days to see a doctor when they had a sick child, choosing buying diapers and formula over paying the rent because their assistance hadn't come yet. Not only does this cause financial stress, it causes insurmountable emotional stress.

I personally struggled with my decision to leave my job and go blindly into Indy looking for a job while I was 4 months pregnant, giving up receiving temporary disability after her birth. I am fortunate to have D who could support me financially, I am fortunate to stay at home with my daughter. Without D, I would certainly need assistance and there's a good chance I may not be able to continue to provide Grace breast milk.

I want another child, possibly two more children, but I also know that we've had to make financial adjustments with Grace. D has the responsibility of financially providing for both her and I to allow me to stay at home and raise our baby girl. Sadly, there isn't an endless supply of money.

I struggle. I don't want to be judgemental, moreover, I don't want Grace to see her mom being judgemental. I realize I easily could someday be calling or waiting on assistance for my child, swallowing a huge chunk of my pride and eating these words I wrote today.

Can we discuss?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Not for 70 years

Have the Packers and Bears played in a championship game. Big Grace is all ready decked out and waiting for the win! She needs to get all the use she can out of this cute 'fit as her daddy would say.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Sleeping Gracie

So my daughter has been pretty cool as far as sleeping goes. Almost right out of the gate she was sleeping 5-6 hours, we'd put her to bed around midnight and she'd sleep until five or six the next morning. Again, one of the bazillion reasons we are so blessed to have her in our lives. She has gotten more expressive, more aware in her daily activities this has also been apparent in her sleeping activities.

Grace smiles in her sleep and sucks her lips - she's amazing to watch even when she's sleeping, she really is, I'm not just saying that cause she's my baby. :) She also cries in her sleep, you can see her lip getting sad and then she'll let out a loud wail. I'll comfort her, pick her up, try to wake her so she knows not to be scared, but she's sleeping - she'll just snuggle in and continue to get her rest. Her dad talks in his sleep so I don't know if she gets this from him or it's something all babies do since it's my first one.

Sunday night, all of us tucked in bed, Grace let out a huge wail. You know when kids are older and they let out the silent cry and you just want the kid to breath? Grace did the loud cry, but was not breathing back in. It was such a long wail I was starting urging her to breath! I brought her in bed with us until she calmed down and went back to sleep. When we woke up in the morning I saw this:

This mom should pay more attention when her babe cries as well as how quick baby's nails grow!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Grace's Nursery

You have asked about the nursery and I have put it off for good reason, we're renting and would like to buy a home once the lease is up. So much time and effort is put into it and instead of using my energy to prepare a room for Grace she wouldn't use for a few months and then use only a few months after that, instead I directed my energy into a making our house a home. D lived here a few months by himself before I came and although he has an eye for decorating, we needed to add nick nacks and pictures to make this space ours.

Here's what the nursery looks like, it still looks like this today, but missing some outfits, washcloths and blankets.

Here's what's in the crib, a lot of baby stuff. We decided against a bedding set because even though they look pretty they are costly and used only for decoration (baby can't sleep with things in the crib).

Also, we don't have a dresser for Grace, instead, here's where I put her clothes. They are all out in the open and it works because she's growing out of her newborn stuff and in a couple months she'll be growing out of her 0-3 months clothes.

This is a picture I will be so glad to hang in her room, it was a gift and the perfect touch when she gets her own room!

It was difficult to get a good shot of the closet, but this is organized too. We got some clothes for when she's older and I don't want to forget about them, we have her diapers and wipes in there too along with some toys for when she gets a little older.

Grace sleeps in our room for now, she's so small. I think she's much more comfortable knowing mommy is just an arms length away instead of in a whole 'nother room.

Anyway, I don't think she minds.

Monday, January 10, 2011

I was born one morning...

28 years ago this past Saturday, this birthday was a lot different than the past 27 years in that I had my baby! Instead of a birthday cake, I used up one of my diaper cakes from my shower. It differed from the last 10 years in that I didn't get one.single.birthday.shot. and I was okay with that.

My BFF and her hubby were going to come down from Wisconsin to meet my daughter and celebrate my birthday. We've celebrated as long as we've been friends, over 5 years now. She called me Friday afternoon and told me her mother was diagnosed with stomach cancer.

Cancer sucks.

My 28th year celebration wasn't about me, it was about her. She has been like a second mom to me, I think of conversations we have had, her strong faith and I know I am a better person for having her in my life. This has brought many people closer to God. I have spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about how He does things according to His plan, not ours.

Anyway, I will show you all the nursery you've been dying to see this week. I was going to type it up Friday, but with the news, I hope you understand.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Being Mommy

I know I have lacked posts and I tried to stay in touch, but the majority of my day is dedicated to my new bundle of joy and the remaining time is spent sleeping, eating, and cleaning (myself/house)... usually in that order. Grace has been such a joy, I never ever thought I could/would be THIS MUCH in love with her. It hasn't been easy peasy, it has been a challenge, it has pushed me when I didn't want to get up, it has frustrated me when she cries after I put her in her bassinet or anywhere other than human arms. It has been painful, not the recovery from giving birth, but the breastfeeding!

I can say now I am glad I stuck with it, I'm glad I pushed through when it felt like my nipple was going to fall off, for us, it's so much easier (and cheaper) to whip out a boob instead of making a bottle. Grace has taken to it and I love when she gets "robin's mouth," she looks like a little birdy looking for her food. She gets an adorable, surprised look on her face when she latches and does those first few sucks. It was tough, those first few weeks, the pain was ridiculous, I cringed each time she woke up hungry.

With Grace turning one month and my birthday coming up, I was hoping I could pump to enjoy a night out with friends and a few cocktails, but I didn't have much luck with that. I bought a manual pump and tried it after I fed her in the morning and pumped a half ounce. Any hints or tips would be appreciated.

We are so blessed to have a healthy, beautiful baby girl. I am so glad she is such a great baby, we think she is so good so she persuades us to have another one (not anytime soon). She's had good poops and wet diapers (what the doctor and nurses ask about). I've already had to cut her out of a onesie due to a diaper blow out, there was really no easy way to get her out of it. Grace did get baby acne, she still has it, but it doesn't bother her. She liked having a bath, but not her hair washed. I kept her cord scab, I can't bring myself to throw it out.

As easy as it is to say that I would like to go out, the reality has been it's so hard to leave her. What if she needs her mommy? What if I miss something? For now I'll enjoy my babe. I've been told it goes so fast and it seems like it already is!