Thursday, September 30, 2010

SwitchBoard Operator

I am a switchboard operator, I am not a secretary, I am not a gopher. My job is to sit and answer the phones for the Indy and two other offices. Few people reports to me if they are in the office or out of the office, no one reports they are stepping away from their desk, in a meeting, or at lunch. Calling me back to report that they did not answer the phone does nothing more than irritate me and wastes your time, leave a message, when they get back in, should they choose, they will call you back. When pages are not returned, I cannot run around all three floors to see if they are in the office.

I do not know who called your cell phone, we have over 200 employees in this office and 50 in the other two and they do not report to me when they call a cell phone. Listen to message first, and then call back. They also do not report to me when they call 911, I do apologize to the 911 operators, but as far as I know, there is no emergency. We have asked them to be careful when dialing out, I am not sure why they cannot do this. I am a switchboard operator.

Lastly, This is a large business, I have over 50 John's, Chris's and Bob's in my directory, I have calls coming in and do not have time to go through all the last names to see what jogs your memory. Please have that information in front of you when you call. Good Day.

I said Good Day.

UPDATE: This morning it was brought to my attention that taking 20 steps away from my "cell" to get water, is not right, I should be calling somebody. I normally bring a water bottle because I have to drink a ton of water, but forgot it. I need to ask permission to go to the bathroom AND get water, at 27 years old, I can say that this really, really pissed me off. I'm waiting for someone to tell me I am now drinking too much water... The things we do for love!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The yin and yang of surprise

I would like to assure you, dear readers, by sharing what I did that I am a)wanting to give you my real world view b)a strong woman who knows she'll do best for her baby and for herself (cause if momma ain't happy, no one is). Life is difficult at times. Thank you for being so kind and understanding.

In less than one year D and I have fallen in love, left the only city we both had ever known, left our friends and family, had a career/job change and learned we were going to be parents. We both take this parenting/baby thing very seriously, he is a man with heart and what I failed to realize was me discussing my fears, worries and concerns never gave him the opportunity to share his. Having a baby is new to both of us, not just me.

The end is much closer than the beginning now, we feel her growing strong, moving around, feeling her elbows, hands, knees, feet and head. We still can't see her, but we feel her, we are happy and laugh when she really whacks D. Last night, she was cheering with us as were hoping for a Packer victory, reaching out, giving us a fist bump or high five. Before the playoffs, she'll be here to cheer with us in person (Indy needs more Packer fans)!

Monday, September 27, 2010

God gave me a baby first

This past weekend was supposed to be wonderful, romantic, D and I's FIRST wedding together. It was not at all what I hoped, planned or prepared myself for. I was hurt, angry, telling a drunk lady at the bar to STFU (telling me I was going to have my baby early because of stress), sad, depressed, crying, ugly cry and even as my cousin wed the love of his life, more ugly cry. I hope I didn't ruin their wedding pictures.

D did not come to the rehearsal (I was a bridesmaid), he was not at the ceremony, he did not attend the reception and I was preparing myself to leave Indy in disbelief that at 27years old I had allowed myself to get in this predicament. I am honest, too honest for my own good sometimes, I feel my 8 readers need to know, we are on thin ice. I am not sure if/how I will discuss the details of the argument/issue, but two people can do A LOT of talking over the 4.5 hour drive back to Indy. Today we are beginning to do the doing.

I spent Saturday morning, getting my hair did and crying. Looking at myself in the mirror and wondering for the thousand time in my life why I was not good, pretty, worthy enough, why this continues to happen to me and what on earth am I going to do with no job, lots of bills and 9 weeks until baby came. My Aunt took me outside to talk.

She would send me cards in the mail "just because," on one of those cards she wrote:

'You deserve a love so great because you give love so great, don't settle.'

We talked about that, I cried, she listened... I turned my phone off and wanted to enjoy this day. Getting ready, I decided no more tears, I was putting my make up on and would be damned if I had to redo it. My mom told me he sent her a text asking me to call him, I did not. I was busy.

Tears continued, I'd have my moments, think I was strong and then something like trying to buckle my shoes would set me off (my feet are so swollen I couldn't do it myself). I cried, more like sobbed, nearly all through the ceremony. I didn't know how I would be able to make it through the day, all the family there and D not in attendance.

When the wedding party stopped at a bar, I was sitting with the ring bearer and the inquisitive flower girl. She kept looking at my belly and asking questions, then she asked THE QUESTION: "Are you married?" I kept it together, replied, then of course the follow up "Are you going to get married?" I responded 'someday' feeling the tears welling up in my eyes.

I needed to change the subject, kids like to know why you're crying... Before I could think of something, she stated "So, God gave you a baby first." So innocent, so wide eyed, so simple. 'Yes, yes, God gave me a baby first.'

I didn't shed one more tear the rest of the day.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Newest member of my family!

This is a picture of the bump (July 31), me (crouching down) and the wonderful lady who will be joining our family FINALLY this weekend. The instant I met her, I loved her, she was adorable, sweet, funny and opinionated all lacking from my cousin's other girlfriends.

My "cuz" is an only child, my brother and I grew up with him and I think of him as a brother type, I will certainly be Auntie to their babies and they will most certainly be Auntie and Uncle to mine.

I was nervous to tell her about the baby since it would interfere with her wedding (I'm a bridesmaid) and I had just read a post from Pissed Off Bride (whatever happened to that blog?) regarding her MOH getting pregnant when she knew about the wedding. L isn't like that at all, but I did want to ask her if she still wanted me in the wedding, I would understand if she didn't. She did and all was good, except the stupid drama with my dress, but that's over now, I hope.

I told L D and I got some pictures taken and I wanted to share them with her, they were our first ultrasound pictures when our little peanut looked like a little gummy bear. L was the second one I told in my family that I was pregnant and her response was "I'm so excited to be an Auntie again."

I really love this lady! I'm thrilled she is finally joining our family and cannot wait to share in their special day! I get a niece and a SIL all in one week, I could not ask for more!

Pregnancy, Babies and Feminism

Last week, I mentioned how WONDERFUL it is to pregnant, this week I was blessed with, what I can describe as, my pelvis feeling like it's going to crack in half. At nearly 30 weeks my 40 pound weight gain is really felt now along with the growth of our baby. This past week I've felt like an Oompa Loompa. I'm feeling more excited and nervous than I have ever felt.

I'm happy to report my SIL who was pregnant with me (10 weeks ahead) delivered her healthy baby girl on Monday! Soon, it will be my turn... it seemed like her pregnancy went so fast, even to her, and mine feels like it's speeding forward as well. I'll let you know in 10 weeks how that's going. My mom was told my due date was December 18, my birthday is January 8, they had to pull me out, I wasn't coming in this world without a fight!

I had dreamt again last night about money and woke up feeling anxious and stressed out. Apparently, on top of my bills, I signed up to take a class (don't ask what class, I do not know) in order to pass this class I had to pay $300 as an assignment. I was doing exceptionally well in the class and I would fail if I didn't pay the $300 that I would have to get from D. What does all that mean?!

Back in the "olden days," how was this solved? I'm not sure what it is about marriage that would make the thought of D paying my bills "better," but as it stands I feel horrible and crummy about it (I wasn't very financially responsible and took a large pay cut when I moved here). Feminist movement, making me feel guilty for having my sweetheart financially take care of his family. Not to mention Christmas around the corner, what will I do?

I'm giving him a child, that's a pretty big gift in itself, but it will be our first Christmas together with each other and as a family and it will be only us as we are not going to travel back home with a newborn. I am excited for Christmas with our baby though, D even asked if we should get a "real" tree. I think we'll pass this year, we'll have our baby to take care of I wouldn't want anything additional getting in the way of spending time together as a family.

I put this burden on myself. If you ask D, he would ask why I even worry about that and he'll take care of us, but I don't want him to stress out, his job is stressful enough.

I love this man, I love that I can give him a child, I love that to me he is just so dashingly handsome I cannot help but stare at him, I love that he watched GLEE with me last night, I love that he eats my plain meals and always takes seconds, I love that he is kind, good and will take care of his family, I love that he gave me the opportunity to have his child and join the mommy club.

10 more weeks to go! If only I could get him to start on the nursery!

Monday, September 20, 2010

What a difference a year makes

Yesterday would have been my dear friend Mikey's birthday. Mikey committed suicide late in the evening on/about February 27. We got the news February 28. Last year, we went to a bar around my hometown. I almost didn't go, had too much to drink the Friday night before, but I got myself put together and headed out. We had so much fun that night and I remember.

Mikey touched the lives of a lot of people, after I logged on to my facebook account yesterday morning I saw all the messages of Happy Birthday or today would have been your birthday. It would have been his 33rd. I drew a bath, put some bath salts in and just sat, reflecting. Of all the twists and turns my life has taken over the past year, the biggest one has been losing him. His dad committed suicide, he hated people that did that, it was weak, it was selfish.

Mikey had four children, two beautiful girls and two handsome boys. He was a "sweetheart." Nearly his whole body was covered in tattoos, but even suburban me managed to get past that quickly because of his personality and kindness in his eyes. One of the last times we went out, I was with "the guys," and some other friends came to join and Mikey told them I was "one of the boys."

The last time I saw him, he asked if I was pregnant yet. Unbeknownst to me, I was. I often wonder if he knew, he had been battling the demons quietly, I wonder if some kind of serenity had come over him and he was able to see things others couldn't.

I'm thankful for the memories. I want to see him seeing me with my swollen belly and have him rub it and smile and be happy.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Body movin, body movin

Baby getting down and you know I'm crush groovin!

If you follow me on twitter you know about my love affair with feeling baby move inside of me. Once she really got to moving I had to yell at my sister and tell her she never told me it was THIS cool. She just laughed and said "you can't really describe it." And, (shh, don't tell her) she was right!

I'm 29 weeks now and feeling all kinds of wiggles, kicks, jabs, rubs, jumps and who knows what else. I wish I had a see through tummy to watch my girl as learns to practice breathe, suck her thumb, blink her eyes, and move her little body all through my womb. I spend much of my day with at least one hand on my belly, sometimes being filled with so much happyness (yes, I spelled it with a y on purpose) I think I might explode.

A couple times, I've been shocked and a little sickened by what my hand just felt move around in belly, I know it's my baby, but when she kicks and then rubs her leg hard against my tummy, it's odd, weird and makes me think of this:


I know my baby is not an alien (D still questions it from time to time), we have proof:

Ladies who haven't had babies, don't say I didn't warn you... Don't be alarmed though. I see some movement under my skin, but not much and if you're not looking, staring like I do you'll miss it, but that is coming too!

This "alien" feeling is rather new, she's getting stronger and more active everyday, I still love it, I love knowing that I am growing a human (Que the Superman music)! Most important is knowing I'm growing a healthy human. I'm glad, I'm blessed, I'm going to be a mama!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I look up to my younger sister

I was scared to tell my mom about my pregnancy, I told her I was moving to Indy and that was big enough for her to deal with. I was leaving her and going to start my own family with a man I had known for 4 months. How quick things had changed for me. I was 27 and still nervous about telling my mom. I was nervous for myself, a baby, a child, is a HUGE responsibility.

My sister (C - technically step-sister), was much different. She fell in love at 14, her high school sweetheart, he broke her heart so much. She needed the love, seeked it out like me. She cried and there was always drama, the relationship was so rough on her. I tried to talk to her, but I myself wasn't good at the few relationships I had, plus I was in college and going out to parties and having my own fun.

She told our Dad she was pregnant on his birthday, via text message. My mother called me that night telling me she was proud of me and told me of C's pregnancy. My heart broke for her, so young, not in a healthy relationship, why would she throw away all that for a baby?! She had so much time, he had just graduated high school, she's was going to be senior in high school, be off to college the next year, but that changed. She told me she forgot to take her pills, I told her boyfriend she forgot and to be careful, both of them to be careful. It came out that they were trying to get pregnant, they wanted to have a baby.

I couldn't understand, I didn't understand. My niece was born two days before my sister's 18th birthday. C moved in with her boyfriend, into an apartment of their own. She lived there a couple months after the baby was born then moved into my older brother's house, but her and Ron kept a relationship, their relationship, with all the drama, fighting and love that two young people have. Soon after, C was on her own, raising a baby and doing a fantastic job (much to our surprise). She loved that baby girl with her whole heart, she was/still is overprotective, but she gives up so much just to raise my niece.

She is 20, going to college now, working, raising a two year old. Ron wasn't much part of her life and when he was, C fought with him. C still did such a great job at raising K. I remember when I told her I was pregnant, that I hoped to be as great a mom as she is and she started crying. No one in the family had told her that before, it was hard, everything she had to deal with. Still she sucks it up and raises her baby.

Her true strength was shown this summer. Ron died. An accident, sudden, quick, permanent. I now look back and wonder if Ron knew maybe his time was going to end early, maybe he thought he wouldn't have another chance. My sister, his first and (quite possibly) only love, was the only one capable of handling this beautiful little girl, teaching her, helping her, showing her. She does such a great job.

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.” - Unknown

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Non mariƩ, unverheiratet, non sposata

I felt and continue to feel so much angst over being unwed it has brought me to tears numerous times throughout the last 28 weeks or so (I'm hormonal, OK?!). I am and remain a firm believer that just because you have a baby does not mean you need to get married, but it has not been easy for me. It's not about the wedding, I'm game for the courthouse, it's about the promise.

Way back in March, D came home late, we ate dinner, and sat on the couch cheek to cheek. He told me this is how it will be, he works late and wanted to make sure that I would be OK with that. I replied, so long as you don't mind me being in your face when you get home literally. He responded it didn't even cross his mind until I mentioned it.

D has lived with women before, D has been married before. In my 27 years, this is the first time I have lived with a man besides my Dad. I've had to adjust to this. I mentioned previously he works long hours, but he comes home from a long day and the first thing we do is embrace each other.

A strong foundation for any relationship. I stop what I am doing, he comes in looking tired and beat from work, but we embrace, we have a moment, we're back in each other's arms again and I still feel so safe, so calm.

Sometimes he'll go through the mail, others he'll head upstairs to change, sometimes he'll just disrobe in the living room (he's a guy, where did you think that going?), sit in his underwear turn on ESPN and get the latest highlights. I then finish dinner, set the living room table, we make our plates, eat our dinner and usually play a game of RPS to see who gets the ice cream.

Our lives are fine just the way they are for now, I have to learn to stop worrying considering he's given me no reason to worry.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Cest La Vie

Our Childbirth class was cancelled, I was so so bummed. I did leave work early to get there on time. We weren't the only ones who didn't get the memo and I registered Friday morning for the evening class. The lady I spoke with asked if I was "the Teen Mom," umm, no, glad you classify people here.

We wanted to go car shopping, the dealership was closed. It would have been nice to go out for dinner, we had Subway beforehand. We went to Goodwill so I could get some Maternity clothes and then walked around the strip mall. Tried to talk D into getting a cat, but that was a waste of my time - "we're having a baby." We met some friends up at the bar and this preggo got down to some old school MJ!

I had gotten a second wind by the time we got home, but D was ready for bed.

Saturday, since I was way over due for an oil change, we did that and went to get a new memory card for the camera so I could have pictures to show you, my dear readers. Some newer one was on sale at a store that rhymes with Smarget, 8G's so we purchased that and the camera works! Watched college football and had a homemade country fried Pork Chop dinner.

We didn't really take any pictures, but in between games, D got one of my bump with headphones taped on, I let baby girl listen to music for the first time this weekend and she danced and danced. I went to upload the picture last night and low and behold, the computer didn't read the memory card.

Maybe pictures on my blog was just not meant to be. I try, I really do.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Weekend Plans

Yippee, Happy Friday all! So 12 more weeks to go all I can think is HOLY CRAP! Between now and then I have so much to do. One thing we are crossing off the list this weekend is Preparation for Childbirth class.

I just found out this morning we would be doing the class because D doesn't want to do the standard 4-5 week classes, he said he would forget stuff between classes. The only other weekend class is his birthday weekend so we needed to get it done now. I don't really care how we do it (in a weekend or throughout a month) so long as D remembers and can keep me focused and motivated during my labor.

I wanted to clean and direct our attention this weekend to what will be the nursery since we haven't started that and get our camera fixed or go shopping for a new one. Hopefully we can have the camera before I start on the nursery project.

Sunday is dedicated to football. Maybe I will be able to get D off the couch, he can at least fold some of the laundry while watching football and golf all day.

What activities do you have planned for the weekend?

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Can I get a Woo Woo

This post is long overdue! Like I told you in the beginning I don't know WHAT this blog is going to be about, but I love having a space and part of the web. Plus so many of my favorite bloggers have made life long friends through their blogging and I like friends!

I need to shout out to KJPugs, she did this post and she mentioned my blog! :) It was one of the proudest moments of my life! I got acknowledged for being a blog of substance! I wasn't sure if it an award, I saw the other gals mention it as an award, but didn't want to be the weird one who accepted an award that really wasn't an award (sorry MJ, we know you did it). It was awesome to be recognized!

Thank you from the bottom my heart, it feels good to be acknowledged! KJ is a sweetheart, she rescued her adorable pugs and if you never gave pugs a second look (D says they have a face only a mother could love) check out her blog and you'll be head over heels!

To sum up my blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience in 5 words…

I just wanted to blog.

I used to be a Facebook stalker (who am I kidding, still am), but then I got involved in twitter through my friend Amy Little Miss Wedding Planner, got hooked on her awesome blog, she did a shout to other awesome bloggers, they all had twitter so I would follow them to see when they put up new blog posts after I caught up on their previous posts. I do Google Reader now, there was an answer to my prayers!

I digress, there were so many awesome people I was following on twitter and who were following me back, bloggers who had stories, thoughts and feelings, when I started with twitter I picked that name cause I wanted to have a blog highlighting my move, KJ gave me the push I needed when she asked if I had a blog, no one had asked me.

I decided to create it and share it. At first the posts could not come fast enough, it was nice to go back and create mine and D's story and how I got here. I'm looking forward to moving forward and reflecting back. It's nice to know there are people out there reading your words, listening to what you have to say.

I need to work on getting more pictures. I appreciate my followers and readers and, like every blogger, LOVE reading your comments. Yes I promise to have more pictures, we're having issues with the camera right now, but I am working on getting another.

So here are my top 10 choices for blogs with Substance: and her other blog looking forward to her follow up blog emmasota!

Of course my dear followers and commenters, but I didn't want to keep repeating. I'll make sure to shout out at your blogs in the future! And since I'm a doting mother today at 12 weeks left to go in my pregnancy (or so they say), here is a picture of my beautiful baby doing a fist pump! Rock On!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

It's not all puppies and sunshine

My story doesn't end with me and D riding off into the sunset on our way to Fishers, happily ever after. Our story is not a finished one, sometimes it feels like it's closer to the end than other times. I have left a lot of things I loved when I moved from Wisconsin, this has been the toughest part.

Nearly three months have passed since my move. I am lonely here, I don't have my friends, I don't have my family, I don't have my job. I have a bump containing a baby in my belly (yes, I know you want pictures, but the camera needed more than a memory card). I came here for him, I wanted a new beginning for myself too, but I was thinking more of in a professional manner, not mommyhood.

When we met, I was independent, I worked very long and hard at being "ok" with me. I was happy, I didn't "need" a man, but I wanted someone to share my life with. I've become so financially dependent on him (trying to find work when you're four, five, or six months pregnant is not simple in this economy). I'm having difficulty adjusting to it. It's not about me anymore.

He's made friends. They go out, they drink, I sit at home. Sometimes I feel I'm SOL, sometimes I feel I made a mistake. He tells me I worry too much, I'm too sensitive. Maybe it's just hormones, maybe I'm not strong enough to do this on my own.

When left alone, one cannot help but to think. I think a lot, mostly about this baby and what I am doing and if I can do it right, if we can do it right, if we're going to last, if not, then what?

My friends in Milwaukee that were pregnant complained that no one called them to go out, maybe it's just part of pregnancy and this too shall pass. Granted sitting in a loud, smokey bar for hours is not my idea of a fun night right now, it will change. Although a bar is not out of the question, D and I go to BW3's for the trivia on occasion.

Life as I had known it changed forever. Yes, my life is slow now, mundane sometimes (no more Sunday funday), but also filled with amazement and awe at the little kicks and punches inside my belly and how my body is changing and what it is doing.

I got pregnant after dating 4 months, we'll be having a child near our one year anniversary. We are adults, we both knew what we were doing. I knew this would forever change my life.

Still these insecurities and worries remain.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Leaving what is "Mine"

I lived at home till I was 24 years old. I moved into my apartment in Dirrty Stallis (that's West Allis for those of you not familiar with Milwaukee)in March 2007. Bars on every corner, so many hole-in-the-wall bars, mullets and cut-off shorts, but it's relatively safe and like 15 minutes from everywhere.

So many memories I have in my little apartment. I found out the day before I was pregnant. Since I was going to be moving to Indy asap, I gave my landlord notice April 1 that come April 30 I would be moving out. Financially, I couldn't swing saving money and staying in my apartment and having a baby.

We needed eachother now, we couldn't be apart while we were having a baby. It broke his heart to not be at my first apointment. My best friend Mo went with me, we kept joking "we're having a baby," so I wasn't so nervous. I scheduled the dated ultrasound at a hospital on a Saturday so D could be there. We almost didn't get in cause the Doctor never sent the order, I thought D was going to go apenuts on the receptionist. We got in.

It was tough being away from him, thankfully, I didn't get any morning sickness, but my emotions were a wreck. So many phone calls, I mailed little notes to him, so little time we had together during the weekends. We had hoped I would have been there already, now I had every reason I needed to get there as soon as possible. My focus shifted from finding THE job, to finding a job. He told me not to worry, he would take care of me, he just wanted me in Indy.

D wanted to tell my family that weekend, Easter weekend, I wanted to wait until after the first trimester. He had already told his. Actually, I wanted to wait till I was out of the state, far away, maybe when I was in labor. Or I could just come home with the baby. I wasn't sure how my family would handle the news.

I couldn't hide it from my Aunt Is, she asked if I wanted a beer (she never asked if I wanted a beer, she knew I would just grab one). I declined of course and she kept asking if there was something I wanted to tell her mentioning I was glowing. She was so excited for me, touching my belly, telling me there's a baby in there, that I'll be a great mom. They were my "cool" Aunt and Uncle growing up and they still are. Supportive of me no matter what, I love them so much for that.

Collectively, we decided June 12th I would go. In a way it was like ripping off a bandaid. I discussed it with my boss, D, my family and that was the day. Job or no job, I would make the move.

**I would like to wish you all a SAFE and healthy holiday weekend! We're going to get a new memory card so I can have some pictures**

Also, for you twitterers you can follow me on there, same name as my blog!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Results are In!

Well, you all know the outcome of my pregnancy test that morning. I woke up, called D. Told him I was going to take it, it takes about 3 minutes to process, so I would get in the shower and call him when I was done. I just finished flushing the toilet when it was confirmed what I had suspected.

Shaking, excited, scared, I called D back immediately. We had previously discussed that he hadn't had a scare in his life, or anything close to so he thought there might be something wrong with "his boys." The first words out of my mouth were "You don't have a problem with your swimmers!" Wow, ok, whew, alright. Wow, pregnant. It says Pregnant. D said he was ready to be a dad and asked me how I felt. I was still trying to grasp my mind around what this would mean. We both had to get to work, so no long convo.

I remember getting in the shower amazed at what my body was doing, there's a person growing in there. I'm going to be mom, a MOM. I remember specifically washing my stomach that day, pushing it out, imagining what it would be like to have a swollen belly fully of baby. Ready or not, I was going to be a mom, D was going to be a dad.

275 miles separated us, but I had never felt so close to someone before. While apart, I would always keep one of his shirts when we visited, I would bring back the one with the faded smell of him and would trade it in for a fresh smell of him. (Gosh, I love the smell of him!) Now, though no matter the distance, I had a part of him always with me.

That day at work, he kept calling me, checking on me, making sure I was ok. I was fine, I was more than fine. We had been dating for 4 months, in love for three, living in different states, him just taking a new position... and we were given a baby.