Tuesday, August 31, 2010

If they jumped off a cliff...

Would I? No, but two out of my three readers (clears throat) have done this, so I too will do this for them.

Full name: Jenell Marie

Gender: Female

Age: 27

Birth date: January 8

Place of birth/Current place of residence: Born in Milwaukee, WI/Fishers, IN

Heritage: Polish, English, Irish, German, Lithuanian

Siblings: Two Step Brothers, Mike (31), Hunter (17), One Step Sister - Chloe (20), One full bro, Mike (25)

Religious/Spiritual affiliation: Raised Catholic, parents divorced at age 13, then I was a bastard. I got called enough names in school and didn't need to be called more at church. Went to a Christian church, it was huge, but definitely like the non-denominational. Haven't really gone in a while. I love Jesus and know I need to trust in and follow God more.

Pets: Bird, cockatiel, his name is Bird.

Marital status: Not Married

Sexual orientation: Straight

Tattoos/piercings: Had my belly pierced, being 6 months pregnant kinda ruins it though. I have a Chinese tattoo on my left shoulder that means "self respect," a high school girlfriend has the same on her mid back. I was a baby when it came to tattoos, scared I couldn't finish it once they started. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

Glasses: Just for sun, I have sensitive eyes.

PC or Mac: PC, no experience with a Mac

Mobile phone: Samsung, I can call and text, send the picture message for an additional 50cents. Nothing fancy.

Do you believe in ghosts? Yes

Do you believe in UFOs? Not that some one's going to abduct me.

Abortion: Pro-Life.

Death penalty: Yes please.

Gay marriage: Love knows no boundaries.

Where have you traveled? IL, IN, MI, HI, CA, VA, DC, Mt. Rushmore, MO, IA, Jamaica.

Where else can you be found on the Internet? I'll never tell...

Monday, August 30, 2010


Remember Rosanne? On one of the shows DJ asked her if he was an accident. She said he was a surprise, DJ then asked the difference. She responded an accident is something that happens that you never want to happen again, like a broken arm. A surprise is something you didn't know you wanted until you got it.

We weren't trying to not get pregnant.

I talked to D before about this, told him I was nervous waiting Christmas Eve since I was freaking out(as I never had to take a pregnancy test before), he told me he was not. Told me he's not worried and that I shouldn't be. He loves me, I love him. We both wanted a relationship, we both felt we found "our lobster." We were pretty confident we had. The test was negative.

I surprised with him a visit March 27th, although I would see him the next weekend for Easter, I just couldn't wait. I was down in Kenosha that morning, a stone's throw away from the Illinois border and 3 short hours after that could be in my lover's arms! He was out golfing with a buddy when I got there, I waited a couple hours and then he was home.

I kept checking, waiting, cause I knew it should be any day. I couldn't remember what day I had circled on my calendar at work, but it was always near the end of the month, like clockwork. When I returned to work on Monday morning, I was 5 days late. Maybe it was stress, I told myself, it will come. There were signs, I could feel them, any day now. D asked me if I felt different, sick or boobs hurt worse than normal. I didn't feel any different, I was just worrying myself over nothing.

Tuesday night, I grabbed a pregnancy test on my trip to Target that night. Later in the evening, I grabbed a six pack of beer and headed to my girlfriend Mo's house. Pregnancy test are best taken in the morning I was told, this was my last night that I knew I was not pregnant. We drank the beers and smoked our cigarettes, I headed home, called D and slept well that night.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Gone in an instant

He left on a Monday, car packed, ready to go. I lied to my boss (sorry), told him D was going to Indy for training, I was going to drop him off at the airport and he'd be home on Friday. Truth is, we met at my apartment, went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch, back to my apartment and off he would go in his car packed with necessities.

So many questions ran through my head. Would he be the same? Would I be the same? Can we do this long distance until I find a job? Would everything fall apart and the idea of me moving be the joke of year amongst friends?

I knew he would come back, but only to finish packing his stuff and have the movers come to pack and ship it for the drive to Indy. He was looking for a place for us, sending me pictures and info. Letting me know how he felt about each place and asking what was important to me about where we lived. All that was important to me was that we would be together. Everything else would work itself out.

We had agreed, that we should think this through a little bit. I would need a job and money. Although my car would be paid off I did have credit card and student loan bills to pay. I did not feel comfortable with him paying my way, he helped out when I needed it. I flew down the first time to see our house, see the city, see him. I drove the other times, it wasn't too far of a drive and it was worth it to see him.

Shortly after, I came clean to my boss, told him D was living there and I wanted to go with. I wasn't ready to leave my job, I loved it, I was good at it. I learned so much from the short time I was there. TD needed to know, I think he already knew before I told him.

I got two interviews, but no job offers. I couldn't keep taking off work when I was lucky to land an interview, my boss had worked with me, but I understood his position also. I appreciated our friendship as much as our professional relationship. I would just need to save money, pick a date and go, it was much harder than I thought it would be.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

And then?

Two weeks later, we learned D was up for his promotion, you know, the one where he may have to relocate. With this one, he would, it was in Indianapolis. One week after that, he was offered the job.

He called me as soon as he got off the phone with them, told me he was going to think about it, negotiate with the company (he has such a grown up job!). He wanted this, but didn't plan on meeting me. He needed to know that I would go with him, I would join him on his journey. He had to take this, that was not a question, he worked for this, he needed to do it. He wanted me by his side.

I knew I would regret losing love more than I would regret losing some time in Milwaukee, after all, I had been in Milwaukee for 27 years now. It was impossible for me to get lost in this city, I knew all the roads, all the restaurants, all the bars. The city was getting old to me. I needed something new, a new focus, new direction. I told D I would go.

The question was, do we go "balls to the wall" or do we think this through?

Sunday, August 22, 2010

2nd Month

The second month I am not proud of, the second month, he should have left me, went back to doing what it is he does and just left me. I didn't deserve him, he was more than I could have asked for, what on earth did I do that I was so lucky to have this man as mine?! So I broke up with him, cut it off, I was done, I wanted him to be done to lose my number and not call. Before I get hurt so badly I'm not even sure I can fix myself and bring myself back to where I was before him. It was easier that way, or so I thought.

He came back, he kept coming back. I would argue about trivial, petty things would tell him I'm done and he would come back. I'm not proud that he came back, I wondered why and if he was for real. Still, eight months later, I hold him and kiss him and silently thank him for not giving up, for not leaving, for being so kind and wonderful to me it made me want to pinch myself to make sure I was not dreaming. I wanted this so bad and it was there, it was here for me. More than the man of my dreams, safety, security and love, strength, sexiness, patience and understanding. He understood me, he knew me, he could read me like a book.

I got through it, grew up and realized this is the real thing. I let go and let myself fall knowing his arms would catch me and hold me and calm me and free me. My world would never be the same.

Friday, August 20, 2010

The First Month

The next month was spent going out, hanging out and getting to know each other. He came to my apartment first, I was so proud, it was my little tiny apartment, but it was mine. I introduced him to my cockatiel "Bird."

He invited me to his house in Genesee, a huge, gorgeous home with a lot of land, he was so proud showing me. I felt small and silly that I was so proud of my apartment and he had this large, terrific, beautiful home. He never said anything bad about my place though. He would come over often as I would go over to his place. My first visit I brought beer and cookies, lucky for me cookies were his weakness! He loved cookies as much as I loved cookies.

Our first time staying in we watched the Packer game at his place, it was then that he noticed what I wanted, what I really, really wanted and as simple as it was I had to go through so much to get it... it was love. I couldn't help myself but call him "love" before we said "I love you." He didn't stop me, or freak out, or back out, he didn't mention it. It was as if I had called him "dear" or "darling" or "baby."

While out at breakfast one morning he mentioned to me that he had signed up for a management trainee program at work. Wonderful I thought, he wants to be successful and do good things. He continued to explain that this may involve possible relocation, "awesome" I said trying mostly to convince myself. He saw right through me and told me I "looked like someone just told me they ran over my puppy." He asked if I would move should things work out with us and I told him of course, I'd be up for it! There was no guarantee, no time frame and no opportunity at that moment just a possibility.

As he opened the car door for me, we both were entrenched in a passionate, romantic kiss when we were interrupted by a woman with a young child trying to get into her car parked next to his. "You aren't married are you?" she asked. "No" we responded. "That ends when you're married" she told us.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Hi, I'm Jenell, you must be...

I walked into the bar slightly after said meeting time, there he was, sitting at a table near the bar, not what I had imagined from the picture. Brown jacket, check. Brown shoes, check. Okay, suck it up you told him one drink, that's all.

"Hi," I put my hand out, "I'm Jenell" flashing my nice to meet you smile. Getting a weird look from this guy, uh-oh do I have something in my teeth? I told him I cut my hair and didn't get a chance to put a new picture up, it did look good. "Hi." he responded. "Umm, are you D?" "No, I'm Todd..." "Oh, sorry, I was supposed to meet someone and he said he was wearing brown shoes and jacket and... well nice to meet you." Fail.

I sat down at the bar making sure there was a seat for D when he arrived, on the right was an older woman, we shared a good laugh at my mistake and began to share small talk. I was waiting for the bartender so I could order my drink when he arrived.

Immediately I was nervous, I don't get nervous, he saw I was nervous kept bringing it up. No, wait, I'm strong, I am woman hear me roar, see that I'm independent, see that about me. He bought me a drink and sat down. He told me to relax, to not be so fidgety. What was going on with me?

He was attractive. Tall, (score!) being 5'9", I liked that. He looked strong, he looked put together, he was handsome, not intensely handsome and if he knew it, he certainly didn't show it. He let me do all the talking, I talk a lot when I'm nervous, couldn't even stay on one subject, I wanted to tell him everything and nothing all at the same time. He was safe, he was kind, he told me I needed a shot.

We had a blast the rest of the night, I calmed down, we played darts, we went to other bars, we danced, he dropped me off safely at my apartment (too many shots for me) sans kiss. I called him that morning and told him "we both had too much fun last night!" He agreed.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

My lightbulb moment!

As my friend Amy would say, "We interrupt this blog..." I was a doink this weekend, crazy, deranged, I need to stop freaking out.

As previously mentioned my last romantic relationship ended when I was 20 years old. I am now 27. Yes, I have dated, but nothing serious as I would not let my heart get broken again. This past Saturday morning, I learned my lesson.

D broke his phone, we are waiting for the new one. D went out with some work buddies after work, I told D to call me for a ride and I would gladly pick him up later in the evening. I spent my Friday evening doing laundry and catching up on Days of Our Lives.

10:00pm - Called D's friend B to remind them to call me when they needed a ride and to say "hi." B was already on his way home, D stayed out

11:30pm - I went upstairs to bed, turned up my phone volume and put the phone next to me

2:15am - Woke up to use the bathroom, no D, no missed call

4:45am - Woke up to use the bathroom again (pregnant ladies pee A LOT), still no D, still no phone call

5:00am - Left the bedroom headed to the office (soon to be baby room), checked twitter and email, wait it out

5:30am - Went back into the bedroom, turned on TV to watch the news to see if there were any accidents last night

6:00am - Getting worried and scared about D's whereabouts

6:30am - Began sobbing, planning my "I'm leaving" speech and how irresponsible he is considering he's going to be a father... if he's still alive

7:00am - Still sobbing, worried now that something horrible happened to D, I text B to inform him D did not come home or call last night and if he could 'please help me'

7:30am - No response from B, back to angry, can't believe he would/could do this to me, I'm hungry now so I go downstairs to make myself a bowl of Cheerios to find...

D lying on the couch, Doritos all over. One sock half off, jeans on the floor and head supported by many couch pillows. Woke him up - one of his co-workers drove him home around midnight, he fell asleep on the couch, stairs were too much work for him.

I need to relax.

Monday, August 16, 2010

I was tired

So the smoker guy's picture was handsome and he had personality. Normally I don't give out my phone number, not until AFTER I met the guy, but it was easier for both of us (namely me due to my inaccessibility to the internet). We had planned to meet on a Thursday 8:00pm at a local tavern near my house, he lived a 1/2 hour away, but worked near my apartment. I was exhausted from work and made the mistake of coming home and laying on the couch... At 6:30 I called him and told him I was tired and wanted to reschedule.

I had a long day, I wasn't feeling up to getting all dolled up and putting on a big smile, I liked my couch and what was I thinking when I scheduled us to meet? I told him I felt bad, but it wouldn't work and next week might be better. Grey's Anatomy was on. It was easier to stay on my couch, to dream about laying there with a man, making dinner together, cuddling up and watching Grey's and Private Practice. Besides, what if this was like all the other boring no chemistry dates I had gone on?

He was already out, in the area, he could meet me earlier, I told him fine. I would meet him at 7:00, but what he saw was what he got and I wouldn't be staying out long, one drink then I was heading back. I even used the line "even if you're the man of my dreams..." Cheesy! No makeup, not doing my hair, not getting all dolled up. He was shocked that I wouldn't even be wearing mascara. I did put mascara on, my favorite scent at the time, my express jeans, yellow top with pink jacket, tennis shoes and out the door I went!

He told me he was wearing a brown jacket and brown shoes. I told him I was wearing a yellow shirt.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Someday my Prince will come

I tried this time, I really did. I took time to edit my profile, Jen-nie took a GREAT photo of me, I picked catchy headlines and updated frequently. I spent lots of time on there, during work (I didn't have Internet at my apartment) and when I would go to my parents house. I was going to make this work. I did the new contacts and if after my six months was up I did not find him, I would get six more months and by then I would for sure find him! It's the guarantee, "find a match or it's free."

A few emails here and there, but they were too short, not attractive, too desperate, or too weird or divulged way too much information... breathe, you have time I reminded myself. I was 26, I hadn't been in a serious relationship since I was 20. I never lived with a man, I never shared with a man, I didn't have much time. My friends were getting married, they were moving in, they had babies already. The girls in the bars were getting younger and here I was getting older, thicker and drunker. It's okay, I assured myself it's fine. I'm special, I'm different someone will appreciate that. Don't worry.

And then it came, another email from a guy without a photo... What is with that? Don't they understand attraction is part of dating? I'm not the prettiest thing in the world, but I would like to see what I am getting. Smoking, he likes that I smoke... wonderful sounds like the man of my dreams (I was trying to quit at the time, hoping I would meet a non smoker). Did he even read my profile? He does want to settle down though, I'll respond to his email. Maybe he's new...

A couple days after that we're online at the same time, he messages me asks me how this online dating thing works. I go with the tried and true meet for a beer and darts and go from there. Worse comes to worse we have a beer and a game of darts, if things go well, we have another beer or go somewhere else. I told him he should get a picture up though, pictures are important in online dating, his response: "My mom says I'm handsome!" Shortly after he emails me to inform me got a picture up and I did agree with his mom, he was handsome!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

24 weeks

Today I am 24 weeks pregnant. I love it, not every minute of it, but I love having our baby. 'I'm growing a human, what can you do?' It's awesome and amazing all at the same time. My body has changed so much. I still walk by a mirror, look and am surprised sometimes. 16 more weeks to go!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

This all began last October

I'm going to start off with the reason I am in Indy and how we met and our story so far, the plot thickens rather quickly even I don't know how it ends...

If you would have told last-year me I would be pregnant and preparing to become a mom, she would have laughed, lit up a smoke, finished up her beer and asked for another. Last-year me did want to find a "someone special", she wanted to find some to love and someone to love her back, but they hadn't found each other quite yet and that was OK.

I'd had been waiting for 5 years, what's another couple years? I had so much love to give, I'd spent plenty of time alone. I'd made real, true, honest to gosh friends and was content where I was in life. I had a job I enjoyed and was good at. Somewhere where I made a difference, I was important and I counted. I felt like I was on my way to something.

My mother had been bugging me for awhile to do online dating. I did yahoo personals a year or so before with no luck, more recently I had been on plenty of fish and that was a joke. I wanted to find someone who had their stuff together, was without babies, or drama, didn't need to go to the bar all the time, wanted to work out and most importantly wanting to find and give love. Share their life with somebody, build a life together. My besties were already married, Mo Mo last December and Jen-nie in June. Sigh, always a bride's maid, never a bride.

I saw the look of desperation in my mom's eyes as she asked me yet again to do online dating, she knew how lonely I had been, how badly I wanted love, she offered to "pay" for it. Not too far from the Holidays, but not so close, enough time, plenty of time maybe I wouldn't have to spend another holiday alone, answering yet again, why I didn't want to invite a date to the celebration.

So I did, I signed up for Match, mom gave me her gift certificates to restaurants which I could use on my "dates" and the rest in cash. I was excited, I was ready, I wanted this, not too much, but enough that yet again I would make the effort to get a dolled up, put on my best smile and welcome the opportunity to meet my future husband!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


This blog should have been started June 12, 2010 when I made the move from my hometown New Berlin, WI all the way to Fishers, IN. I say all the way like it was a far trip, but I have never lived outside the greater Milwaukee area. I have lived in three towns - Milwaukee, New Berlin, West Allis.

At 26 years of age my mother thought it be best for me to meet a man. I opted for Match, mom paid, I guess she was desperate. One month later, wouldn't you know, I met a fabulous guy. Two months later, he got promoted which included relocation to Indy. Not wanting to regret losing love, we decided I would move to Indy, once I found a great job in this wonderful city!

March 31st all that changed. We learned we were going to become parents. Instead of seeking my dream job, we decided I would move out of my apartment and stay with my Aunt and Uncle in Milwaukee for a little bit. I would work, save money and then, I would move June 12 letting God take it from there. A week and a half after my arrival, I was lucky enough to get a temp job in downtown Indy working full time and have been here since.

If you're wondering what this blog is going to be about... umm, I don't really know. A journal of my moving, pregnancy, fears, dreams, thoughts. It's been quite a ride and I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm doing something with my life, exactly what that thing is I haven't quite figured out yet, maybe you'll let me know what it is. I followed my heart and here I am!