What I learned in the last 35 weeks

This week marks my 35 weeks! I have honestly been very blessed throughout my pregnancy, I have heard some not so good stories about morning sickness, hemorrhoids, early contractions and bed rest. Even though I've hit "the wall" as they say (walking 3 blocks is a challenge, and I'll still have to stop to use the restroom even if I used it right before I left) I still enjoy feeling my baby girl planning her escape and punching and kicking me throughout the day now, even the kicks to the ribs aren't so horrible.

The last 35 weeks have been a roller coaster! Aside from moving to Indy I have learned so much about myself and my body and still am in awe what it has grown. I have built a human. It was nostalgia when I felt the first little flutters of movement my tummy in the quiet of the early morning on a futon in my Grandfather's home knowing my grandmother felt those flutters of my mom and my mom felt those same flutters of me in that same house. I feel connected to women, the earth and God as I will soon do what billions of women before me did.

In the last 35 weeks I have learned:

-hormones are real and in fact an excuse for ridiculous crying or laughing or weird combination of both

-I used to think a back tuck was an awesome thing my body could do, ha! That's nothing now

-my bladder is not made of steel, it feels like it's now made out of sponge

-having a baby is not as overwhelming as it seems, I have great family and friends who came together to provide us with plenty for this baby

-it really does go by fast

-I have been humbled by this experience

-Dreft is expensive, detergent with no dyes or fragrance does the same thing for less

-a "crib set" is really just an expensive decoration, because you can't put blankets or pillows in a crib - mesh bumpers and a crib sheet works just fine

-it hurts to bend over, like physically painful - and it's nearly impossible move past the waddle at this point, jogging or running are out of the question

-actually, everything hurts now

-your belly button hurts when it's expanding, it's scar tissue and does not have elasticity

-people are nice to pregnant ladies, they smile, hold doors and offer congratulations

-my boyfriend is, surprisingly to me, very handy

There is a ton more I could add to this list, probably a ton with TMI, but that's the fun of blogs right? Knowing all the juicy details, maybe I'll do one of those posts in the future. I had my baby shower this weekend and took lots of pictures and pictures of my month old niece, I tried to upload them using my parents computer, but again had no luck. :( I met kjpugs on Friday and here's the picture she took of us:


If you enjoy my blog, make sure to stop by hers if you don't already. She is more awesome in person than she is in her blog and she's the one who gave me the kick to get this blog started, we became friends on twitter and she was asking if I had a blog.

I can't believe I have a baby growing in my tummy! My niece was an absolute dream and angel, seeing her made me so much more excited to become a mother, we played tricks on family and friends telling some I already had the baby or that it was my younger sisters baby. :) I think D was slightly intimidated by her though, he laughed as she tried to focus on him and started going cross eyed, but had no desire to hold the tiny princess, it will be different when it's his.

What did you learn from your pregnancy or what advice/information have you learned from friends and family during your pregnancy?

God gave me a baby first

This past weekend was supposed to be wonderful, romantic, D and I's FIRST wedding together. It was not at all what I hoped, planned or prepared myself for. I was hurt, angry, telling a drunk lady at the bar to STFU (telling me I was going to have my baby early because of stress), sad, depressed, crying, ugly cry and even as my cousin wed the love of his life, more ugly cry. I hope I didn't ruin their wedding pictures.

D did not come to the rehearsal (I was a bridesmaid), he was not at the ceremony, he did not attend the reception and I was preparing myself to leave Indy in disbelief that at 27years old I had allowed myself to get in this predicament. I am honest, too honest for my own good sometimes, I feel my 8 readers need to know, we are on thin ice. I am not sure if/how I will discuss the details of the argument/issue, but two people can do A LOT of talking over the 4.5 hour drive back to Indy. Today we are beginning to do the doing.

I spent Saturday morning, getting my hair did and crying. Looking at myself in the mirror and wondering for the thousand time in my life why I was not good, pretty, worthy enough, why this continues to happen to me and what on earth am I going to do with no job, lots of bills and 9 weeks until baby came. My Aunt took me outside to talk.

She would send me cards in the mail "just because," on one of those cards she wrote:

'You deserve a love so great because you give love so great, don't settle.'

We talked about that, I cried, she listened... I turned my phone off and wanted to enjoy this day. Getting ready, I decided no more tears, I was putting my make up on and would be damned if I had to redo it. My mom told me he sent her a text asking me to call him, I did not. I was busy.

Tears continued, I'd have my moments, think I was strong and then something like trying to buckle my shoes would set me off (my feet are so swollen I couldn't do it myself). I cried, more like sobbed, nearly all through the ceremony. I didn't know how I would be able to make it through the day, all the family there and D not in attendance.

When the wedding party stopped at a bar, I was sitting with the ring bearer and the inquisitive flower girl. She kept looking at my belly and asking questions, then she asked THE QUESTION: "Are you married?" I kept it together, replied, then of course the follow up "Are you going to get married?" I responded 'someday' feeling the tears welling up in my eyes.

I needed to change the subject, kids like to know why you're crying... Before I could think of something, she stated "So, God gave you a baby first." So innocent, so wide eyed, so simple. 'Yes, yes, God gave me a baby first.'

I didn't shed one more tear the rest of the day.

Newest member of my family!

This is a picture of the bump (July 31), me (crouching down) and the wonderful lady who will be joining our family FINALLY this weekend. The instant I met her, I loved her, she was adorable, sweet, funny and opinionated all lacking from my cousin's other girlfriends.

My "cuz" is an only child, my brother and I grew up with him and I think of him as a brother type, I will certainly be Auntie to their babies and they will most certainly be Auntie and Uncle to mine.

I was nervous to tell her about the baby since it would interfere with her wedding (I'm a bridesmaid) and I had just read a post from Pissed Off Bride (whatever happened to that blog?) regarding her MOH getting pregnant when she knew about the wedding. L isn't like that at all, but I did want to ask her if she still wanted me in the wedding, I would understand if she didn't. She did and all was good, except the stupid drama with my dress, but that's over now, I hope.

I told L D and I got some pictures taken and I wanted to share them with her, they were our first ultrasound pictures when our little peanut looked like a little gummy bear. L was the second one I told in my family that I was pregnant and her response was "I'm so excited to be an Auntie again."

I really love this lady! I'm thrilled she is finally joining our family and cannot wait to share in their special day! I get a niece and a SIL all in one week, I could not ask for more!

What a difference a year makes

Yesterday would have been my dear friend Mikey's birthday. Mikey committed suicide late in the evening on/about February 27. We got the news February 28. Last year, we went to a bar around my hometown. I almost didn't go, had too much to drink the Friday night before, but I got myself put together and headed out. We had so much fun that night and I remember.

Mikey touched the lives of a lot of people, after I logged on to my facebook account yesterday morning I saw all the messages of Happy Birthday or today would have been your birthday. It would have been his 33rd. I drew a bath, put some bath salts in and just sat, reflecting. Of all the twists and turns my life has taken over the past year, the biggest one has been losing him. His dad committed suicide, he hated people that did that, it was weak, it was selfish.

Mikey had four children, two beautiful girls and two handsome boys. He was a "sweetheart." Nearly his whole body was covered in tattoos, but even suburban me managed to get past that quickly because of his personality and kindness in his eyes. One of the last times we went out, I was with "the guys," and some other friends came to join and Mikey told them I was "one of the boys."

The last time I saw him, he asked if I was pregnant yet. Unbeknownst to me, I was. I often wonder if he knew, he had been battling the demons quietly, I wonder if some kind of serenity had come over him and he was able to see things others couldn't.

I'm thankful for the memories. I want to see him seeing me with my swollen belly and have him rub it and smile and be happy.