Non marié, unverheiratet, non sposata

I felt and continue to feel so much angst over being unwed it has brought me to tears numerous times throughout the last 28 weeks or so (I'm hormonal, OK?!). I am and remain a firm believer that just because you have a baby does not mean you need to get married, but it has not been easy for me. It's not about the wedding, I'm game for the courthouse, it's about the promise.

Way back in March, D came home late, we ate dinner, and sat on the couch cheek to cheek. He told me this is how it will be, he works late and wanted to make sure that I would be OK with that. I replied, so long as you don't mind me being in your face when you get home literally. He responded it didn't even cross his mind until I mentioned it.

D has lived with women before, D has been married before. In my 27 years, this is the first time I have lived with a man besides my Dad. I've had to adjust to this. I mentioned previously he works long hours, but he comes home from a long day and the first thing we do is embrace each other.

A strong foundation for any relationship. I stop what I am doing, he comes in looking tired and beat from work, but we embrace, we have a moment, we're back in each other's arms again and I still feel so safe, so calm.

Sometimes he'll go through the mail, others he'll head upstairs to change, sometimes he'll just disrobe in the living room (he's a guy, where did you think that going?), sit in his underwear turn on ESPN and get the latest highlights. I then finish dinner, set the living room table, we make our plates, eat our dinner and usually play a game of RPS to see who gets the ice cream.

Our lives are fine just the way they are for now, I have to learn to stop worrying considering he's given me no reason to worry.

The Results are In!

Well, you all know the outcome of my pregnancy test that morning. I woke up, called D. Told him I was going to take it, it takes about 3 minutes to process, so I would get in the shower and call him when I was done. I just finished flushing the toilet when it was confirmed what I had suspected.

Shaking, excited, scared, I called D back immediately. We had previously discussed that he hadn't had a scare in his life, or anything close to so he thought there might be something wrong with "his boys." The first words out of my mouth were "You don't have a problem with your swimmers!" Wow, ok, whew, alright. Wow, pregnant. It says Pregnant. D said he was ready to be a dad and asked me how I felt. I was still trying to grasp my mind around what this would mean. We both had to get to work, so no long convo.

I remember getting in the shower amazed at what my body was doing, there's a person growing in there. I'm going to be mom, a MOM. I remember specifically washing my stomach that day, pushing it out, imagining what it would be like to have a swollen belly fully of baby. Ready or not, I was going to be a mom, D was going to be a dad.

275 miles separated us, but I had never felt so close to someone before. While apart, I would always keep one of his shirts when we visited, I would bring back the one with the faded smell of him and would trade it in for a fresh smell of him. (Gosh, I love the smell of him!) Now, though no matter the distance, I had a part of him always with me.

That day at work, he kept calling me, checking on me, making sure I was ok. I was fine, I was more than fine. We had been dating for 4 months, in love for three, living in different states, him just taking a new position... and we were given a baby.

2nd Month

The second month I am not proud of, the second month, he should have left me, went back to doing what it is he does and just left me. I didn't deserve him, he was more than I could have asked for, what on earth did I do that I was so lucky to have this man as mine?! So I broke up with him, cut it off, I was done, I wanted him to be done to lose my number and not call. Before I get hurt so badly I'm not even sure I can fix myself and bring myself back to where I was before him. It was easier that way, or so I thought.

He came back, he kept coming back. I would argue about trivial, petty things would tell him I'm done and he would come back. I'm not proud that he came back, I wondered why and if he was for real. Still, eight months later, I hold him and kiss him and silently thank him for not giving up, for not leaving, for being so kind and wonderful to me it made me want to pinch myself to make sure I was not dreaming. I wanted this so bad and it was there, it was here for me. More than the man of my dreams, safety, security and love, strength, sexiness, patience and understanding. He understood me, he knew me, he could read me like a book.

I got through it, grew up and realized this is the real thing. I let go and let myself fall knowing his arms would catch me and hold me and calm me and free me. My world would never be the same.

My lightbulb moment!

As my friend Amy would say, "We interrupt this blog..." I was a doink this weekend, crazy, deranged, I need to stop freaking out.

As previously mentioned my last romantic relationship ended when I was 20 years old. I am now 27. Yes, I have dated, but nothing serious as I would not let my heart get broken again. This past Saturday morning, I learned my lesson.

D broke his phone, we are waiting for the new one. D went out with some work buddies after work, I told D to call me for a ride and I would gladly pick him up later in the evening. I spent my Friday evening doing laundry and catching up on Days of Our Lives.

10:00pm - Called D's friend B to remind them to call me when they needed a ride and to say "hi." B was already on his way home, D stayed out

11:30pm - I went upstairs to bed, turned up my phone volume and put the phone next to me

2:15am - Woke up to use the bathroom, no D, no missed call

4:45am - Woke up to use the bathroom again (pregnant ladies pee A LOT), still no D, still no phone call

5:00am - Left the bedroom headed to the office (soon to be baby room), checked twitter and email, wait it out

5:30am - Went back into the bedroom, turned on TV to watch the news to see if there were any accidents last night

6:00am - Getting worried and scared about D's whereabouts

6:30am - Began sobbing, planning my "I'm leaving" speech and how irresponsible he is considering he's going to be a father... if he's still alive

7:00am - Still sobbing, worried now that something horrible happened to D, I text B to inform him D did not come home or call last night and if he could 'please help me'

7:30am - No response from B, back to angry, can't believe he would/could do this to me, I'm hungry now so I go downstairs to make myself a bowl of Cheerios to find...

D lying on the couch, Doritos all over. One sock half off, jeans on the floor and head supported by many couch pillows. Woke him up - one of his co-workers drove him home around midnight, he fell asleep on the couch, stairs were too much work for him.

I need to relax.

Someday my Prince will come

I tried this time, I really did. I took time to edit my profile, Jen-nie took a GREAT photo of me, I picked catchy headlines and updated frequently. I spent lots of time on there, during work (I didn't have Internet at my apartment) and when I would go to my parents house. I was going to make this work. I did the new contacts and if after my six months was up I did not find him, I would get six more months and by then I would for sure find him! It's the guarantee, "find a match or it's free."

A few emails here and there, but they were too short, not attractive, too desperate, or too weird or divulged way too much information... breathe, you have time I reminded myself. I was 26, I hadn't been in a serious relationship since I was 20. I never lived with a man, I never shared with a man, I didn't have much time. My friends were getting married, they were moving in, they had babies already. The girls in the bars were getting younger and here I was getting older, thicker and drunker. It's okay, I assured myself it's fine. I'm special, I'm different someone will appreciate that. Don't worry.

And then it came, another email from a guy without a photo... What is with that? Don't they understand attraction is part of dating? I'm not the prettiest thing in the world, but I would like to see what I am getting. Smoking, he likes that I smoke... wonderful sounds like the man of my dreams (I was trying to quit at the time, hoping I would meet a non smoker). Did he even read my profile? He does want to settle down though, I'll respond to his email. Maybe he's new...

A couple days after that we're online at the same time, he messages me asks me how this online dating thing works. I go with the tried and true meet for a beer and darts and go from there. Worse comes to worse we have a beer and a game of darts, if things go well, we have another beer or go somewhere else. I told him he should get a picture up though, pictures are important in online dating, his response: "My mom says I'm handsome!" Shortly after he emails me to inform me got a picture up and I did agree with his mom, he was handsome!

This all began last October

I'm going to start off with the reason I am in Indy and how we met and our story so far, the plot thickens rather quickly even I don't know how it ends...

If you would have told last-year me I would be pregnant and preparing to become a mom, she would have laughed, lit up a smoke, finished up her beer and asked for another. Last-year me did want to find a "someone special", she wanted to find some to love and someone to love her back, but they hadn't found each other quite yet and that was OK.

I'd had been waiting for 5 years, what's another couple years? I had so much love to give, I'd spent plenty of time alone. I'd made real, true, honest to gosh friends and was content where I was in life. I had a job I enjoyed and was good at. Somewhere where I made a difference, I was important and I counted. I felt like I was on my way to something.

My mother had been bugging me for awhile to do online dating. I did yahoo personals a year or so before with no luck, more recently I had been on plenty of fish and that was a joke. I wanted to find someone who had their stuff together, was without babies, or drama, didn't need to go to the bar all the time, wanted to work out and most importantly wanting to find and give love. Share their life with somebody, build a life together. My besties were already married, Mo Mo last December and Jen-nie in June. Sigh, always a bride's maid, never a bride.

I saw the look of desperation in my mom's eyes as she asked me yet again to do online dating, she knew how lonely I had been, how badly I wanted love, she offered to "pay" for it. Not too far from the Holidays, but not so close, enough time, plenty of time maybe I wouldn't have to spend another holiday alone, answering yet again, why I didn't want to invite a date to the celebration.

So I did, I signed up for Match, mom gave me her gift certificates to restaurants which I could use on my "dates" and the rest in cash. I was excited, I was ready, I wanted this, not too much, but enough that yet again I would make the effort to get a dolled up, put on my best smile and welcome the opportunity to meet my future husband!

Welcome

This blog should have been started June 12, 2010 when I made the move from my hometown New Berlin, WI all the way to Fishers, IN. I say all the way like it was a far trip, but I have never lived outside the greater Milwaukee area. I have lived in three towns - Milwaukee, New Berlin, West Allis.

At 26 years of age my mother thought it be best for me to meet a man. I opted for Match, mom paid, I guess she was desperate. One month later, wouldn't you know, I met a fabulous guy. Two months later, he got promoted which included relocation to Indy. Not wanting to regret losing love, we decided I would move to Indy, once I found a great job in this wonderful city!

March 31st all that changed. We learned we were going to become parents. Instead of seeking my dream job, we decided I would move out of my apartment and stay with my Aunt and Uncle in Milwaukee for a little bit. I would work, save money and then, I would move June 12 letting God take it from there. A week and a half after my arrival, I was lucky enough to get a temp job in downtown Indy working full time and have been here since.

If you're wondering what this blog is going to be about... umm, I don't really know. A journal of my moving, pregnancy, fears, dreams, thoughts. It's been quite a ride and I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm doing something with my life, exactly what that thing is I haven't quite figured out yet, maybe you'll let me know what it is. I followed my heart and here I am!