32 years ago today

32 years ago today, I wasn't even a glimmer in my mother's eye. 32 years ago today, D's mother was in the hospital, pushing out a 8 pound, 13 ounce baby boy. This baby would grow as a boy to be a great mathematician.


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As a young man, he served his country as a Marine.


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I've had the Beach Boys lyric in my head all week and although he would say "barf" to this, it's the truth "God only knows where I'd be without you..."

Happy Birthday to my Beloved!

'Ok, imagine jail...and then change nothing'

This is a quote from the movie we went to see this weekend, Life As We Know It (cute, funny movie, but not in a cheesy kind of way). In the quote, he is referring to marriage, I laughed so hard when I heard it and couldn't stop! D was looking at me like I was a crazy woman, it wasn't THAT funny, but it was.


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There are mornings, those early morning hours just waking up, entwined in each other and we fit together so perfectly I can not wait to call this man my Husband. Then we have other times where he seems so distant, or I am being difficult and I feel we have so much work to do. I want to hear him promise to me, God and closest family and friends that he will take me as his, and I take him as mine, we exchange rings and kiss and then it's over.

Very soon we both will be having the happiest day of our lives, meeting our daughter. Marrying will not replace meeting her as the happiest day of my life, certainly not a wedding. People often assume he's my husband, D's friend B even calls me "the wife," I am correcting him and reminding him I am not D's wife, I am his girlfriend. I do not want us to fall in that trap, where it's "like" we're husband and wife and worry that since "it's 'like' we're married" we won't actually get married.

We were out a couple weekends ago, as we walked past a jewelry store D asked if I wanted to look at engagement rings, he did not say this is jest, but I had no desire. It seemed weird to me. Part of it is the wedding talk/end of season that's been going on, part is because I spend hours looking at wedding porn. Mostly, nearly all of my friends are married now. I love other people's weddings, love seeing the pictures and love hearing the details, but I don't need or want that for me. God gave me a baby first and I have faith that he'll give me a husband next.

Why am I writing about this? Am I engaged? No, I'm just a baby mamma who one day wants to have someone to call my Husband and he'll call me his Bride, and we'll live happily ever after where it won't be like jail!

Did you get nervous because you lived together or had a child together that since it was "like" you were married, you wouldn't actually get married?

I can't complain but sometimes I still do

It's a gorgeous fall day here in Indy and the title is from a song I've long forgotten, but it's the truth... (Bonus points to those who know the song) I heard the song playing on my walk around the circle at a cafe that I've never eaten at. I have nearly 7 more weeks until I meet my baby girl and couldn't feel more happy at this moment.

D surprised me last Saturday and straightened out the nursery and my Hercules moved the crib all by himself into the room! Baby steps, right? I know it will get done, it better this weekend! I'm starting to let go of the worry, D tells me I need to stop worrying all the time. What can I say? I get it from my momma...

But I digress, when we disagree I get worked up and dismissive, I mean I nearly have "everything" I've ever wanted and yet I still complain. This relationship stuff is new to me and when crap gets difficult, all I can say is "I'm done, I'm going back to Wisconsin." It's not fair to D, he works too hard for us, his family, and for me to get crappy like that. He helps me see that and has patience to work through this and talk it out, I am a lucky lady.

Being in a relationship after 5+ years of being single, difficult. Being in a relationship after being single for 5+ years, moving to another state AND going through pregnancy, priceless.

One day we'll look back laughing...

How has life been good to you so far?

Things that make you go Hmm

"It’s my job to help shape my child into the person I think he or she should be."

"I’m a parent. I’m doing the best I can to raise my child with the belief system I have in place. I am using the tools I have to make the best judgments I know."

These are quotes from the guest post that has taken the blogging world by storm. Scary Mommy had her friend do a guest post, if you haven't already, you can read it here.

I read these above quotes and am prompted to ask the question, are you also saving money for the therapy bills?! To quote Dr. Phil "How is that working for you?"

Last week, I mentioned D and I went to church, we went to a Christian church, Non-Denominational and what they do is instead of a Baptism, they have a dedication, (my family assumes our baby will be baptised). The purpose of this dedication is this:

Parents present their child before God and His people asking for grace and wisdom in carrying out their responsibilities. Parents also come praying that their child might one day trust Jesus Christ as Savior for the forgiveness of sin.

I was baptised a Catholic. By no fault of my own, my parents divorced when I was 13, I was then a bastard in the eyes Catholic church... this is where things between me and the Catholic church got messy. I didn't have my father growing up, I always said as snotty as could be "I didn't ask to be born."

As a parent, I am going to have to make some decisions, some choices for my child while keeping in mind she too didn't ask to be born. I'm not talking about the peas or carrots, Cheerios or toasty o's, but choices that are going to affect how she views the world, choices I make for her that shape and change her. I want to do all that I can to encourage her to make her own choices and be confident with those choices, to be comfortable in her own skin.

Living with D, only though it's been three short months has taught me a lot. The other day I left the house without kissing him goodbye because I woke up late. I spent all day thinking about that, how long would it have taken me to walk 5 steps give him a quick peck?

I freaked out about being late, I didn't think about how he would feel (he thought I was mad at him) nor did I think what if something happened to either of us. The news story of the morning was that a little boy was killed by a car on his way to school, I sure hope his mother kissed him before he left and he knew how much he was loved.

There's so much a parent needs to think about, not just the color of her room, or her bedding or the outfit she'll wear coming home it's how every choice we make for her until she is old enough to make her own choices are going to affect how she makes those choices. It's not about me or D, it's about her.

What do you think the role of a parent should be?

Finding our place

Happy Monday all! This weekend was much better than last! Friday, after our Doctor appointment we went walking around Noblesville and had dinner at a small brewery. We went to go see the "facebook movie" too. Saturday night, I got to get out and hang with awesome, intelligent, funny ladies. Sunday, D and I went to our first church here in Indy, our first church service together.

D and I are not religious people, but I believe that I need to be focusing more on religion and faith. Previously, all my endeavors with having a relationship with God began with a tragedy. God had blessed us with each other, a child, He had plans for us we didn't even know about and I’m excited to find what else He has planned for us. He has already created something so wonderful and we both want to honor Him and teach our daughter about God and Jesus.

D wanted to wear his Manning jersey and I told him he couldn't wear that to church, when we arrived, nearly half the congregation was in jerseys. Next week, he can wear his jersey.

We both liked the church, it was contemporary, there were a good amount of young people and families with babies and I felt we could fit our family into this church. We were invited to sign up and they would inform us of the next welcome class. I liked that I didn't feel uncomfortable about our "sinning," (I was raised Catholic) the member asked if it was safe to assume I was with child, of course I told him yes after joking about weight gain.

I'm not sure if we're going to explore other churches, we both felt comfortable and enjoyed the sermon, the one turn off was pushing the tithe. Next week, 10/10/10 they explained there were going to focus on tithing (10% of earnings given to the church). We appreciated the heads up. We're okay with discussing that for a week or two, but hoping this church WON'T focus on tithing all the time.

How did you find a place of worship with your significant other? Did you change religions?

The yin and yang of surprise

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I would like to assure you, dear readers, by sharing what I did that I am a)wanting to give you my real world view b)a strong woman who knows she'll do best for her baby and for herself (cause if momma ain't happy, no one is). Life is difficult at times. Thank you for being so kind and understanding.

In less than one year D and I have fallen in love, left the only city we both had ever known, left our friends and family, had a career/job change and learned we were going to be parents. We both take this parenting/baby thing very seriously, he is a man with heart and what I failed to realize was me discussing my fears, worries and concerns never gave him the opportunity to share his. Having a baby is new to both of us, not just me.

The end is much closer than the beginning now, we feel her growing strong, moving around, feeling her elbows, hands, knees, feet and head. We still can't see her, but we feel her, we are happy and laugh when she really whacks D. Last night, she was cheering with us as were hoping for a Packer victory, reaching out, giving us a fist bump or high five. Before the playoffs, she'll be here to cheer with us in person (Indy needs more Packer fans)!

Pregnancy, Babies and Feminism

Last week, I mentioned how WONDERFUL it is to pregnant, this week I was blessed with, what I can describe as, my pelvis feeling like it's going to crack in half. At nearly 30 weeks my 40 pound weight gain is really felt now along with the growth of our baby. This past week I've felt like an Oompa Loompa. I'm feeling more excited and nervous than I have ever felt.

I'm happy to report my SIL who was pregnant with me (10 weeks ahead) delivered her healthy baby girl on Monday! Soon, it will be my turn... it seemed like her pregnancy went so fast, even to her, and mine feels like it's speeding forward as well. I'll let you know in 10 weeks how that's going. My mom was told my due date was December 18, my birthday is January 8, they had to pull me out, I wasn't coming in this world without a fight!

I had dreamt again last night about money and woke up feeling anxious and stressed out. Apparently, on top of my bills, I signed up to take a class (don't ask what class, I do not know) in order to pass this class I had to pay $300 as an assignment. I was doing exceptionally well in the class and I would fail if I didn't pay the $300 that I would have to get from D. What does all that mean?!

Back in the "olden days," how was this solved? I'm not sure what it is about marriage that would make the thought of D paying my bills "better," but as it stands I feel horrible and crummy about it (I wasn't very financially responsible and took a large pay cut when I moved here). Feminist movement, making me feel guilty for having my sweetheart financially take care of his family. Not to mention Christmas around the corner, what will I do?

I'm giving him a child, that's a pretty big gift in itself, but it will be our first Christmas together with each other and as a family and it will be only us as we are not going to travel back home with a newborn. I am excited for Christmas with our baby though, D even asked if we should get a "real" tree. I think we'll pass this year, we'll have our baby to take care of I wouldn't want anything additional getting in the way of spending time together as a family.

I put this burden on myself. If you ask D, he would ask why I even worry about that and he'll take care of us, but I don't want him to stress out, his job is stressful enough.

I love this man, I love that I can give him a child, I love that to me he is just so dashingly handsome I cannot help but stare at him, I love that he watched GLEE with me last night, I love that he eats my plain meals and always takes seconds, I love that he is kind, good and will take care of his family, I love that he gave me the opportunity to have his child and join the mommy club.

10 more weeks to go! If only I could get him to start on the nursery!

Non marié, unverheiratet, non sposata

I felt and continue to feel so much angst over being unwed it has brought me to tears numerous times throughout the last 28 weeks or so (I'm hormonal, OK?!). I am and remain a firm believer that just because you have a baby does not mean you need to get married, but it has not been easy for me. It's not about the wedding, I'm game for the courthouse, it's about the promise.

Way back in March, D came home late, we ate dinner, and sat on the couch cheek to cheek. He told me this is how it will be, he works late and wanted to make sure that I would be OK with that. I replied, so long as you don't mind me being in your face when you get home literally. He responded it didn't even cross his mind until I mentioned it.

D has lived with women before, D has been married before. In my 27 years, this is the first time I have lived with a man besides my Dad. I've had to adjust to this. I mentioned previously he works long hours, but he comes home from a long day and the first thing we do is embrace each other.

A strong foundation for any relationship. I stop what I am doing, he comes in looking tired and beat from work, but we embrace, we have a moment, we're back in each other's arms again and I still feel so safe, so calm.

Sometimes he'll go through the mail, others he'll head upstairs to change, sometimes he'll just disrobe in the living room (he's a guy, where did you think that going?), sit in his underwear turn on ESPN and get the latest highlights. I then finish dinner, set the living room table, we make our plates, eat our dinner and usually play a game of RPS to see who gets the ice cream.

Our lives are fine just the way they are for now, I have to learn to stop worrying considering he's given me no reason to worry.

Cest La Vie

Our Childbirth class was cancelled, I was so so bummed. I did leave work early to get there on time. We weren't the only ones who didn't get the memo and I registered Friday morning for the evening class. The lady I spoke with asked if I was "the Teen Mom," umm, no, glad you classify people here.

We wanted to go car shopping, the dealership was closed. It would have been nice to go out for dinner, we had Subway beforehand. We went to Goodwill so I could get some Maternity clothes and then walked around the strip mall. Tried to talk D into getting a cat, but that was a waste of my time - "we're having a baby." We met some friends up at the bar and this preggo got down to some old school MJ!

I had gotten a second wind by the time we got home, but D was ready for bed.

Saturday, since I was way over due for an oil change, we did that and went to get a new memory card for the camera so I could have pictures to show you, my dear readers. Some newer one was on sale at a store that rhymes with Smarget, 8G's so we purchased that and the camera works! Watched college football and had a homemade country fried Pork Chop dinner.

We didn't really take any pictures, but in between games, D got one of my bump with headphones taped on, I let baby girl listen to music for the first time this weekend and she danced and danced. I went to upload the picture last night and low and behold, the computer didn't read the memory card.

Maybe pictures on my blog was just not meant to be. I try, I really do.

Weekend Plans

Yippee, Happy Friday all! So 12 more weeks to go all I can think is HOLY CRAP! Between now and then I have so much to do. One thing we are crossing off the list this weekend is Preparation for Childbirth class.

I just found out this morning we would be doing the class because D doesn't want to do the standard 4-5 week classes, he said he would forget stuff between classes. The only other weekend class is his birthday weekend so we needed to get it done now. I don't really care how we do it (in a weekend or throughout a month) so long as D remembers and can keep me focused and motivated during my labor.

I wanted to clean and direct our attention this weekend to what will be the nursery since we haven't started that and get our camera fixed or go shopping for a new one. Hopefully we can have the camera before I start on the nursery project.

Sunday is dedicated to football. Maybe I will be able to get D off the couch, he can at least fold some of the laundry while watching football and golf all day.

What activities do you have planned for the weekend?

It's not all puppies and sunshine

My story doesn't end with me and D riding off into the sunset on our way to Fishers, happily ever after. Our story is not a finished one, sometimes it feels like it's closer to the end than other times. I have left a lot of things I loved when I moved from Wisconsin, this has been the toughest part.

Nearly three months have passed since my move. I am lonely here, I don't have my friends, I don't have my family, I don't have my job. I have a bump containing a baby in my belly (yes, I know you want pictures, but the camera needed more than a memory card). I came here for him, I wanted a new beginning for myself too, but I was thinking more of in a professional manner, not mommyhood.

When we met, I was independent, I worked very long and hard at being "ok" with me. I was happy, I didn't "need" a man, but I wanted someone to share my life with. I've become so financially dependent on him (trying to find work when you're four, five, or six months pregnant is not simple in this economy). I'm having difficulty adjusting to it. It's not about me anymore.

He's made friends. They go out, they drink, I sit at home. Sometimes I feel I'm SOL, sometimes I feel I made a mistake. He tells me I worry too much, I'm too sensitive. Maybe it's just hormones, maybe I'm not strong enough to do this on my own.

When left alone, one cannot help but to think. I think a lot, mostly about this baby and what I am doing and if I can do it right, if we can do it right, if we're going to last, if not, then what?

My friends in Milwaukee that were pregnant complained that no one called them to go out, maybe it's just part of pregnancy and this too shall pass. Granted sitting in a loud, smokey bar for hours is not my idea of a fun night right now, it will change. Although a bar is not out of the question, D and I go to BW3's for the trivia on occasion.

Life as I had known it changed forever. Yes, my life is slow now, mundane sometimes (no more Sunday funday), but also filled with amazement and awe at the little kicks and punches inside my belly and how my body is changing and what it is doing.

I got pregnant after dating 4 months, we'll be having a child near our one year anniversary. We are adults, we both knew what we were doing. I knew this would forever change my life.

Still these insecurities and worries remain.

Leaving what is "Mine"

I lived at home till I was 24 years old. I moved into my apartment in Dirrty Stallis (that's West Allis for those of you not familiar with Milwaukee)in March 2007. Bars on every corner, so many hole-in-the-wall bars, mullets and cut-off shorts, but it's relatively safe and like 15 minutes from everywhere.

So many memories I have in my little apartment. I found out the day before I was pregnant. Since I was going to be moving to Indy asap, I gave my landlord notice April 1 that come April 30 I would be moving out. Financially, I couldn't swing saving money and staying in my apartment and having a baby.

We needed eachother now, we couldn't be apart while we were having a baby. It broke his heart to not be at my first apointment. My best friend Mo went with me, we kept joking "we're having a baby," so I wasn't so nervous. I scheduled the dated ultrasound at a hospital on a Saturday so D could be there. We almost didn't get in cause the Doctor never sent the order, I thought D was going to go apenuts on the receptionist. We got in.

It was tough being away from him, thankfully, I didn't get any morning sickness, but my emotions were a wreck. So many phone calls, I mailed little notes to him, so little time we had together during the weekends. We had hoped I would have been there already, now I had every reason I needed to get there as soon as possible. My focus shifted from finding THE job, to finding a job. He told me not to worry, he would take care of me, he just wanted me in Indy.

D wanted to tell my family that weekend, Easter weekend, I wanted to wait until after the first trimester. He had already told his. Actually, I wanted to wait till I was out of the state, far away, maybe when I was in labor. Or I could just come home with the baby. I wasn't sure how my family would handle the news.

I couldn't hide it from my Aunt Is, she asked if I wanted a beer (she never asked if I wanted a beer, she knew I would just grab one). I declined of course and she kept asking if there was something I wanted to tell her mentioning I was glowing. She was so excited for me, touching my belly, telling me there's a baby in there, that I'll be a great mom. They were my "cool" Aunt and Uncle growing up and they still are. Supportive of me no matter what, I love them so much for that.

Collectively, we decided June 12th I would go. In a way it was like ripping off a bandaid. I discussed it with my boss, D, my family and that was the day. Job or no job, I would make the move.

**I would like to wish you all a SAFE and healthy holiday weekend! We're going to get a new memory card so I can have some pictures**

Also, for you twitterers you can follow me on there, same name as my blog!

The Results are In!

Well, you all know the outcome of my pregnancy test that morning. I woke up, called D. Told him I was going to take it, it takes about 3 minutes to process, so I would get in the shower and call him when I was done. I just finished flushing the toilet when it was confirmed what I had suspected.

Shaking, excited, scared, I called D back immediately. We had previously discussed that he hadn't had a scare in his life, or anything close to so he thought there might be something wrong with "his boys." The first words out of my mouth were "You don't have a problem with your swimmers!" Wow, ok, whew, alright. Wow, pregnant. It says Pregnant. D said he was ready to be a dad and asked me how I felt. I was still trying to grasp my mind around what this would mean. We both had to get to work, so no long convo.

I remember getting in the shower amazed at what my body was doing, there's a person growing in there. I'm going to be mom, a MOM. I remember specifically washing my stomach that day, pushing it out, imagining what it would be like to have a swollen belly fully of baby. Ready or not, I was going to be a mom, D was going to be a dad.

275 miles separated us, but I had never felt so close to someone before. While apart, I would always keep one of his shirts when we visited, I would bring back the one with the faded smell of him and would trade it in for a fresh smell of him. (Gosh, I love the smell of him!) Now, though no matter the distance, I had a part of him always with me.

That day at work, he kept calling me, checking on me, making sure I was ok. I was fine, I was more than fine. We had been dating for 4 months, in love for three, living in different states, him just taking a new position... and we were given a baby.

Surprise

Remember Rosanne? On one of the shows DJ asked her if he was an accident. She said he was a surprise, DJ then asked the difference. She responded an accident is something that happens that you never want to happen again, like a broken arm. A surprise is something you didn't know you wanted until you got it.

We weren't trying to not get pregnant.

I talked to D before about this, told him I was nervous waiting Christmas Eve since I was freaking out(as I never had to take a pregnancy test before), he told me he was not. Told me he's not worried and that I shouldn't be. He loves me, I love him. We both wanted a relationship, we both felt we found "our lobster." We were pretty confident we had. The test was negative.

I surprised with him a visit March 27th, although I would see him the next weekend for Easter, I just couldn't wait. I was down in Kenosha that morning, a stone's throw away from the Illinois border and 3 short hours after that could be in my lover's arms! He was out golfing with a buddy when I got there, I waited a couple hours and then he was home.

I kept checking, waiting, cause I knew it should be any day. I couldn't remember what day I had circled on my calendar at work, but it was always near the end of the month, like clockwork. When I returned to work on Monday morning, I was 5 days late. Maybe it was stress, I told myself, it will come. There were signs, I could feel them, any day now. D asked me if I felt different, sick or boobs hurt worse than normal. I didn't feel any different, I was just worrying myself over nothing.

Tuesday night, I grabbed a pregnancy test on my trip to Target that night. Later in the evening, I grabbed a six pack of beer and headed to my girlfriend Mo's house. Pregnancy test are best taken in the morning I was told, this was my last night that I knew I was not pregnant. We drank the beers and smoked our cigarettes, I headed home, called D and slept well that night.

Gone in an instant

He left on a Monday, car packed, ready to go. I lied to my boss (sorry), told him D was going to Indy for training, I was going to drop him off at the airport and he'd be home on Friday. Truth is, we met at my apartment, went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch, back to my apartment and off he would go in his car packed with necessities.

So many questions ran through my head. Would he be the same? Would I be the same? Can we do this long distance until I find a job? Would everything fall apart and the idea of me moving be the joke of year amongst friends?

I knew he would come back, but only to finish packing his stuff and have the movers come to pack and ship it for the drive to Indy. He was looking for a place for us, sending me pictures and info. Letting me know how he felt about each place and asking what was important to me about where we lived. All that was important to me was that we would be together. Everything else would work itself out.

We had agreed, that we should think this through a little bit. I would need a job and money. Although my car would be paid off I did have credit card and student loan bills to pay. I did not feel comfortable with him paying my way, he helped out when I needed it. I flew down the first time to see our house, see the city, see him. I drove the other times, it wasn't too far of a drive and it was worth it to see him.

Shortly after, I came clean to my boss, told him D was living there and I wanted to go with. I wasn't ready to leave my job, I loved it, I was good at it. I learned so much from the short time I was there. TD needed to know, I think he already knew before I told him.

I got two interviews, but no job offers. I couldn't keep taking off work when I was lucky to land an interview, my boss had worked with me, but I understood his position also. I appreciated our friendship as much as our professional relationship. I would just need to save money, pick a date and go, it was much harder than I thought it would be.

And then?

Two weeks later, we learned D was up for his promotion, you know, the one where he may have to relocate. With this one, he would, it was in Indianapolis. One week after that, he was offered the job.

He called me as soon as he got off the phone with them, told me he was going to think about it, negotiate with the company (he has such a grown up job!). He wanted this, but didn't plan on meeting me. He needed to know that I would go with him, I would join him on his journey. He had to take this, that was not a question, he worked for this, he needed to do it. He wanted me by his side.

I knew I would regret losing love more than I would regret losing some time in Milwaukee, after all, I had been in Milwaukee for 27 years now. It was impossible for me to get lost in this city, I knew all the roads, all the restaurants, all the bars. The city was getting old to me. I needed something new, a new focus, new direction. I told D I would go.

The question was, do we go "balls to the wall" or do we think this through?

2nd Month

The second month I am not proud of, the second month, he should have left me, went back to doing what it is he does and just left me. I didn't deserve him, he was more than I could have asked for, what on earth did I do that I was so lucky to have this man as mine?! So I broke up with him, cut it off, I was done, I wanted him to be done to lose my number and not call. Before I get hurt so badly I'm not even sure I can fix myself and bring myself back to where I was before him. It was easier that way, or so I thought.

He came back, he kept coming back. I would argue about trivial, petty things would tell him I'm done and he would come back. I'm not proud that he came back, I wondered why and if he was for real. Still, eight months later, I hold him and kiss him and silently thank him for not giving up, for not leaving, for being so kind and wonderful to me it made me want to pinch myself to make sure I was not dreaming. I wanted this so bad and it was there, it was here for me. More than the man of my dreams, safety, security and love, strength, sexiness, patience and understanding. He understood me, he knew me, he could read me like a book.

I got through it, grew up and realized this is the real thing. I let go and let myself fall knowing his arms would catch me and hold me and calm me and free me. My world would never be the same.

The First Month

The next month was spent going out, hanging out and getting to know each other. He came to my apartment first, I was so proud, it was my little tiny apartment, but it was mine. I introduced him to my cockatiel "Bird."



He invited me to his house in Genesee, a huge, gorgeous home with a lot of land, he was so proud showing me. I felt small and silly that I was so proud of my apartment and he had this large, terrific, beautiful home. He never said anything bad about my place though. He would come over often as I would go over to his place. My first visit I brought beer and cookies, lucky for me cookies were his weakness! He loved cookies as much as I loved cookies.

Our first time staying in we watched the Packer game at his place, it was then that he noticed what I wanted, what I really, really wanted and as simple as it was I had to go through so much to get it... it was love. I couldn't help myself but call him "love" before we said "I love you." He didn't stop me, or freak out, or back out, he didn't mention it. It was as if I had called him "dear" or "darling" or "baby."

While out at breakfast one morning he mentioned to me that he had signed up for a management trainee program at work. Wonderful I thought, he wants to be successful and do good things. He continued to explain that this may involve possible relocation, "awesome" I said trying mostly to convince myself. He saw right through me and told me I "looked like someone just told me they ran over my puppy." He asked if I would move should things work out with us and I told him of course, I'd be up for it! There was no guarantee, no time frame and no opportunity at that moment just a possibility.

As he opened the car door for me, we both were entrenched in a passionate, romantic kiss when we were interrupted by a woman with a young child trying to get into her car parked next to his. "You aren't married are you?" she asked. "No" we responded. "That ends when you're married" she told us.

Hi, I'm Jenell, you must be...

I walked into the bar slightly after said meeting time, there he was, sitting at a table near the bar, not what I had imagined from the picture. Brown jacket, check. Brown shoes, check. Okay, suck it up you told him one drink, that's all.

"Hi," I put my hand out, "I'm Jenell" flashing my nice to meet you smile. Getting a weird look from this guy, uh-oh do I have something in my teeth? I told him I cut my hair and didn't get a chance to put a new picture up, it did look good. "Hi." he responded. "Umm, are you D?" "No, I'm Todd..." "Oh, sorry, I was supposed to meet someone and he said he was wearing brown shoes and jacket and... well nice to meet you." Fail.

I sat down at the bar making sure there was a seat for D when he arrived, on the right was an older woman, we shared a good laugh at my mistake and began to share small talk. I was waiting for the bartender so I could order my drink when he arrived.

Immediately I was nervous, I don't get nervous, he saw I was nervous kept bringing it up. No, wait, I'm strong, I am woman hear me roar, see that I'm independent, see that about me. He bought me a drink and sat down. He told me to relax, to not be so fidgety. What was going on with me?

He was attractive. Tall, (score!) being 5'9", I liked that. He looked strong, he looked put together, he was handsome, not intensely handsome and if he knew it, he certainly didn't show it. He let me do all the talking, I talk a lot when I'm nervous, couldn't even stay on one subject, I wanted to tell him everything and nothing all at the same time. He was safe, he was kind, he told me I needed a shot.

We had a blast the rest of the night, I calmed down, we played darts, we went to other bars, we danced, he dropped me off safely at my apartment (too many shots for me) sans kiss. I called him that morning and told him "we both had too much fun last night!" He agreed.

My lightbulb moment!

As my friend Amy would say, "We interrupt this blog..." I was a doink this weekend, crazy, deranged, I need to stop freaking out.

As previously mentioned my last romantic relationship ended when I was 20 years old. I am now 27. Yes, I have dated, but nothing serious as I would not let my heart get broken again. This past Saturday morning, I learned my lesson.

D broke his phone, we are waiting for the new one. D went out with some work buddies after work, I told D to call me for a ride and I would gladly pick him up later in the evening. I spent my Friday evening doing laundry and catching up on Days of Our Lives.

10:00pm - Called D's friend B to remind them to call me when they needed a ride and to say "hi." B was already on his way home, D stayed out

11:30pm - I went upstairs to bed, turned up my phone volume and put the phone next to me

2:15am - Woke up to use the bathroom, no D, no missed call

4:45am - Woke up to use the bathroom again (pregnant ladies pee A LOT), still no D, still no phone call

5:00am - Left the bedroom headed to the office (soon to be baby room), checked twitter and email, wait it out

5:30am - Went back into the bedroom, turned on TV to watch the news to see if there were any accidents last night

6:00am - Getting worried and scared about D's whereabouts

6:30am - Began sobbing, planning my "I'm leaving" speech and how irresponsible he is considering he's going to be a father... if he's still alive

7:00am - Still sobbing, worried now that something horrible happened to D, I text B to inform him D did not come home or call last night and if he could 'please help me'

7:30am - No response from B, back to angry, can't believe he would/could do this to me, I'm hungry now so I go downstairs to make myself a bowl of Cheerios to find...

D lying on the couch, Doritos all over. One sock half off, jeans on the floor and head supported by many couch pillows. Woke him up - one of his co-workers drove him home around midnight, he fell asleep on the couch, stairs were too much work for him.

I need to relax.