Pregnancy, Babies and Feminism

Last week, I mentioned how WONDERFUL it is to pregnant, this week I was blessed with, what I can describe as, my pelvis feeling like it's going to crack in half. At nearly 30 weeks my 40 pound weight gain is really felt now along with the growth of our baby. This past week I've felt like an Oompa Loompa. I'm feeling more excited and nervous than I have ever felt.

I'm happy to report my SIL who was pregnant with me (10 weeks ahead) delivered her healthy baby girl on Monday! Soon, it will be my turn... it seemed like her pregnancy went so fast, even to her, and mine feels like it's speeding forward as well. I'll let you know in 10 weeks how that's going. My mom was told my due date was December 18, my birthday is January 8, they had to pull me out, I wasn't coming in this world without a fight!

I had dreamt again last night about money and woke up feeling anxious and stressed out. Apparently, on top of my bills, I signed up to take a class (don't ask what class, I do not know) in order to pass this class I had to pay $300 as an assignment. I was doing exceptionally well in the class and I would fail if I didn't pay the $300 that I would have to get from D. What does all that mean?!

Back in the "olden days," how was this solved? I'm not sure what it is about marriage that would make the thought of D paying my bills "better," but as it stands I feel horrible and crummy about it (I wasn't very financially responsible and took a large pay cut when I moved here). Feminist movement, making me feel guilty for having my sweetheart financially take care of his family. Not to mention Christmas around the corner, what will I do?

I'm giving him a child, that's a pretty big gift in itself, but it will be our first Christmas together with each other and as a family and it will be only us as we are not going to travel back home with a newborn. I am excited for Christmas with our baby though, D even asked if we should get a "real" tree. I think we'll pass this year, we'll have our baby to take care of I wouldn't want anything additional getting in the way of spending time together as a family.

I put this burden on myself. If you ask D, he would ask why I even worry about that and he'll take care of us, but I don't want him to stress out, his job is stressful enough.

I love this man, I love that I can give him a child, I love that to me he is just so dashingly handsome I cannot help but stare at him, I love that he watched GLEE with me last night, I love that he eats my plain meals and always takes seconds, I love that he is kind, good and will take care of his family, I love that he gave me the opportunity to have his child and join the mommy club.

10 more weeks to go! If only I could get him to start on the nursery!

Non marié, unverheiratet, non sposata

I felt and continue to feel so much angst over being unwed it has brought me to tears numerous times throughout the last 28 weeks or so (I'm hormonal, OK?!). I am and remain a firm believer that just because you have a baby does not mean you need to get married, but it has not been easy for me. It's not about the wedding, I'm game for the courthouse, it's about the promise.

Way back in March, D came home late, we ate dinner, and sat on the couch cheek to cheek. He told me this is how it will be, he works late and wanted to make sure that I would be OK with that. I replied, so long as you don't mind me being in your face when you get home literally. He responded it didn't even cross his mind until I mentioned it.

D has lived with women before, D has been married before. In my 27 years, this is the first time I have lived with a man besides my Dad. I've had to adjust to this. I mentioned previously he works long hours, but he comes home from a long day and the first thing we do is embrace each other.

A strong foundation for any relationship. I stop what I am doing, he comes in looking tired and beat from work, but we embrace, we have a moment, we're back in each other's arms again and I still feel so safe, so calm.

Sometimes he'll go through the mail, others he'll head upstairs to change, sometimes he'll just disrobe in the living room (he's a guy, where did you think that going?), sit in his underwear turn on ESPN and get the latest highlights. I then finish dinner, set the living room table, we make our plates, eat our dinner and usually play a game of RPS to see who gets the ice cream.

Our lives are fine just the way they are for now, I have to learn to stop worrying considering he's given me no reason to worry.

Can I get a Woo Woo

This post is long overdue! Like I told you in the beginning I don't know WHAT this blog is going to be about, but I love having a space and part of the web. Plus so many of my favorite bloggers have made life long friends through their blogging and I like friends!

I need to shout out to KJPugs, she did this post and she mentioned my blog! :) It was one of the proudest moments of my life! I got acknowledged for being a blog of substance! I wasn't sure if it an award, I saw the other gals mention it as an award, but didn't want to be the weird one who accepted an award that really wasn't an award (sorry MJ, we know you did it). It was awesome to be recognized!

Thank you from the bottom my heart, it feels good to be acknowledged! KJ is a sweetheart, she rescued her adorable pugs and if you never gave pugs a second look (D says they have a face only a mother could love) check out her blog and you'll be head over heels!

To sum up my blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience in 5 words…

I just wanted to blog.

I used to be a Facebook stalker (who am I kidding, still am), but then I got involved in twitter through my friend Amy Little Miss Wedding Planner, got hooked on her awesome blog, she did a shout to other awesome bloggers, they all had twitter so I would follow them to see when they put up new blog posts after I caught up on their previous posts. I do Google Reader now, there was an answer to my prayers!

I digress, there were so many awesome people I was following on twitter and who were following me back, bloggers who had stories, thoughts and feelings, when I started with twitter I picked that name cause I wanted to have a blog highlighting my move, KJ gave me the push I needed when she asked if I had a blog, no one had asked me.

I decided to create it and share it. At first the posts could not come fast enough, it was nice to go back and create mine and D's story and how I got here. I'm looking forward to moving forward and reflecting back. It's nice to know there are people out there reading your words, listening to what you have to say.

I need to work on getting more pictures. I appreciate my followers and readers and, like every blogger, LOVE reading your comments. Yes I promise to have more pictures, we're having issues with the camera right now, but I am working on getting another.

So here are my top 10 choices for blogs with Substance:

http://but-then-i-had-kids.blogspot.com/

http://ambergontrail.com/

http://blueeyedbride.com/

http://www.becomingsarah.com/index.php/site/index/

http://dearbabyblog.com/ and her other blog withoutmelissa.com

http://divorcedbefore30.com/ looking forward to her follow up blog emmasota!

http://babykellogg.tumblr.com/

http://fosterhood.tumblr.com/

http://littlewedplanblog.wordpress.com/blog-roll/

http://ohhappymiracle.tumblr.com/

Of course my dear followers and commenters, but I didn't want to keep repeating. I'll make sure to shout out at your blogs in the future! And since I'm a doting mother today at 12 weeks left to go in my pregnancy (or so they say), here is a picture of my beautiful baby doing a fist pump! Rock On!

It's not all puppies and sunshine

My story doesn't end with me and D riding off into the sunset on our way to Fishers, happily ever after. Our story is not a finished one, sometimes it feels like it's closer to the end than other times. I have left a lot of things I loved when I moved from Wisconsin, this has been the toughest part.

Nearly three months have passed since my move. I am lonely here, I don't have my friends, I don't have my family, I don't have my job. I have a bump containing a baby in my belly (yes, I know you want pictures, but the camera needed more than a memory card). I came here for him, I wanted a new beginning for myself too, but I was thinking more of in a professional manner, not mommyhood.

When we met, I was independent, I worked very long and hard at being "ok" with me. I was happy, I didn't "need" a man, but I wanted someone to share my life with. I've become so financially dependent on him (trying to find work when you're four, five, or six months pregnant is not simple in this economy). I'm having difficulty adjusting to it. It's not about me anymore.

He's made friends. They go out, they drink, I sit at home. Sometimes I feel I'm SOL, sometimes I feel I made a mistake. He tells me I worry too much, I'm too sensitive. Maybe it's just hormones, maybe I'm not strong enough to do this on my own.

When left alone, one cannot help but to think. I think a lot, mostly about this baby and what I am doing and if I can do it right, if we can do it right, if we're going to last, if not, then what?

My friends in Milwaukee that were pregnant complained that no one called them to go out, maybe it's just part of pregnancy and this too shall pass. Granted sitting in a loud, smokey bar for hours is not my idea of a fun night right now, it will change. Although a bar is not out of the question, D and I go to BW3's for the trivia on occasion.

Life as I had known it changed forever. Yes, my life is slow now, mundane sometimes (no more Sunday funday), but also filled with amazement and awe at the little kicks and punches inside my belly and how my body is changing and what it is doing.

I got pregnant after dating 4 months, we'll be having a child near our one year anniversary. We are adults, we both knew what we were doing. I knew this would forever change my life.

Still these insecurities and worries remain.

Surprise

Remember Rosanne? On one of the shows DJ asked her if he was an accident. She said he was a surprise, DJ then asked the difference. She responded an accident is something that happens that you never want to happen again, like a broken arm. A surprise is something you didn't know you wanted until you got it.

We weren't trying to not get pregnant.

I talked to D before about this, told him I was nervous waiting Christmas Eve since I was freaking out(as I never had to take a pregnancy test before), he told me he was not. Told me he's not worried and that I shouldn't be. He loves me, I love him. We both wanted a relationship, we both felt we found "our lobster." We were pretty confident we had. The test was negative.

I surprised with him a visit March 27th, although I would see him the next weekend for Easter, I just couldn't wait. I was down in Kenosha that morning, a stone's throw away from the Illinois border and 3 short hours after that could be in my lover's arms! He was out golfing with a buddy when I got there, I waited a couple hours and then he was home.

I kept checking, waiting, cause I knew it should be any day. I couldn't remember what day I had circled on my calendar at work, but it was always near the end of the month, like clockwork. When I returned to work on Monday morning, I was 5 days late. Maybe it was stress, I told myself, it will come. There were signs, I could feel them, any day now. D asked me if I felt different, sick or boobs hurt worse than normal. I didn't feel any different, I was just worrying myself over nothing.

Tuesday night, I grabbed a pregnancy test on my trip to Target that night. Later in the evening, I grabbed a six pack of beer and headed to my girlfriend Mo's house. Pregnancy test are best taken in the morning I was told, this was my last night that I knew I was not pregnant. We drank the beers and smoked our cigarettes, I headed home, called D and slept well that night.

Gone in an instant

He left on a Monday, car packed, ready to go. I lied to my boss (sorry), told him D was going to Indy for training, I was going to drop him off at the airport and he'd be home on Friday. Truth is, we met at my apartment, went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch, back to my apartment and off he would go in his car packed with necessities.

So many questions ran through my head. Would he be the same? Would I be the same? Can we do this long distance until I find a job? Would everything fall apart and the idea of me moving be the joke of year amongst friends?

I knew he would come back, but only to finish packing his stuff and have the movers come to pack and ship it for the drive to Indy. He was looking for a place for us, sending me pictures and info. Letting me know how he felt about each place and asking what was important to me about where we lived. All that was important to me was that we would be together. Everything else would work itself out.

We had agreed, that we should think this through a little bit. I would need a job and money. Although my car would be paid off I did have credit card and student loan bills to pay. I did not feel comfortable with him paying my way, he helped out when I needed it. I flew down the first time to see our house, see the city, see him. I drove the other times, it wasn't too far of a drive and it was worth it to see him.

Shortly after, I came clean to my boss, told him D was living there and I wanted to go with. I wasn't ready to leave my job, I loved it, I was good at it. I learned so much from the short time I was there. TD needed to know, I think he already knew before I told him.

I got two interviews, but no job offers. I couldn't keep taking off work when I was lucky to land an interview, my boss had worked with me, but I understood his position also. I appreciated our friendship as much as our professional relationship. I would just need to save money, pick a date and go, it was much harder than I thought it would be.

And then?

Two weeks later, we learned D was up for his promotion, you know, the one where he may have to relocate. With this one, he would, it was in Indianapolis. One week after that, he was offered the job.

He called me as soon as he got off the phone with them, told me he was going to think about it, negotiate with the company (he has such a grown up job!). He wanted this, but didn't plan on meeting me. He needed to know that I would go with him, I would join him on his journey. He had to take this, that was not a question, he worked for this, he needed to do it. He wanted me by his side.

I knew I would regret losing love more than I would regret losing some time in Milwaukee, after all, I had been in Milwaukee for 27 years now. It was impossible for me to get lost in this city, I knew all the roads, all the restaurants, all the bars. The city was getting old to me. I needed something new, a new focus, new direction. I told D I would go.

The question was, do we go "balls to the wall" or do we think this through?