Leaving what is "Mine"

I lived at home till I was 24 years old. I moved into my apartment in Dirrty Stallis (that's West Allis for those of you not familiar with Milwaukee)in March 2007. Bars on every corner, so many hole-in-the-wall bars, mullets and cut-off shorts, but it's relatively safe and like 15 minutes from everywhere.

So many memories I have in my little apartment. I found out the day before I was pregnant. Since I was going to be moving to Indy asap, I gave my landlord notice April 1 that come April 30 I would be moving out. Financially, I couldn't swing saving money and staying in my apartment and having a baby.

We needed eachother now, we couldn't be apart while we were having a baby. It broke his heart to not be at my first apointment. My best friend Mo went with me, we kept joking "we're having a baby," so I wasn't so nervous. I scheduled the dated ultrasound at a hospital on a Saturday so D could be there. We almost didn't get in cause the Doctor never sent the order, I thought D was going to go apenuts on the receptionist. We got in.

It was tough being away from him, thankfully, I didn't get any morning sickness, but my emotions were a wreck. So many phone calls, I mailed little notes to him, so little time we had together during the weekends. We had hoped I would have been there already, now I had every reason I needed to get there as soon as possible. My focus shifted from finding THE job, to finding a job. He told me not to worry, he would take care of me, he just wanted me in Indy.

D wanted to tell my family that weekend, Easter weekend, I wanted to wait until after the first trimester. He had already told his. Actually, I wanted to wait till I was out of the state, far away, maybe when I was in labor. Or I could just come home with the baby. I wasn't sure how my family would handle the news.

I couldn't hide it from my Aunt Is, she asked if I wanted a beer (she never asked if I wanted a beer, she knew I would just grab one). I declined of course and she kept asking if there was something I wanted to tell her mentioning I was glowing. She was so excited for me, touching my belly, telling me there's a baby in there, that I'll be a great mom. They were my "cool" Aunt and Uncle growing up and they still are. Supportive of me no matter what, I love them so much for that.

Collectively, we decided June 12th I would go. In a way it was like ripping off a bandaid. I discussed it with my boss, D, my family and that was the day. Job or no job, I would make the move.

**I would like to wish you all a SAFE and healthy holiday weekend! We're going to get a new memory card so I can have some pictures**

Also, for you twitterers you can follow me on there, same name as my blog!

The Results are In!

Well, you all know the outcome of my pregnancy test that morning. I woke up, called D. Told him I was going to take it, it takes about 3 minutes to process, so I would get in the shower and call him when I was done. I just finished flushing the toilet when it was confirmed what I had suspected.

Shaking, excited, scared, I called D back immediately. We had previously discussed that he hadn't had a scare in his life, or anything close to so he thought there might be something wrong with "his boys." The first words out of my mouth were "You don't have a problem with your swimmers!" Wow, ok, whew, alright. Wow, pregnant. It says Pregnant. D said he was ready to be a dad and asked me how I felt. I was still trying to grasp my mind around what this would mean. We both had to get to work, so no long convo.

I remember getting in the shower amazed at what my body was doing, there's a person growing in there. I'm going to be mom, a MOM. I remember specifically washing my stomach that day, pushing it out, imagining what it would be like to have a swollen belly fully of baby. Ready or not, I was going to be a mom, D was going to be a dad.

275 miles separated us, but I had never felt so close to someone before. While apart, I would always keep one of his shirts when we visited, I would bring back the one with the faded smell of him and would trade it in for a fresh smell of him. (Gosh, I love the smell of him!) Now, though no matter the distance, I had a part of him always with me.

That day at work, he kept calling me, checking on me, making sure I was ok. I was fine, I was more than fine. We had been dating for 4 months, in love for three, living in different states, him just taking a new position... and we were given a baby.

If they jumped off a cliff...

Would I? No, but two out of my three readers (clears throat) have done this, so I too will do this for them.

Full name: Jenell Marie

Gender: Female

Age: 27

Birth date: January 8

Place of birth/Current place of residence: Born in Milwaukee, WI/Fishers, IN

Heritage: Polish, English, Irish, German, Lithuanian

Siblings: Two Step Brothers, Mike (31), Hunter (17), One Step Sister - Chloe (20), One full bro, Mike (25)

Religious/Spiritual affiliation: Raised Catholic, parents divorced at age 13, then I was a bastard. I got called enough names in school and didn't need to be called more at church. Went to a Christian church, it was huge, but definitely like the non-denominational. Haven't really gone in a while. I love Jesus and know I need to trust in and follow God more.

Pets: Bird, cockatiel, his name is Bird.

Marital status: Not Married

Sexual orientation: Straight

Tattoos/piercings: Had my belly pierced, being 6 months pregnant kinda ruins it though. I have a Chinese tattoo on my left shoulder that means "self respect," a high school girlfriend has the same on her mid back. I was a baby when it came to tattoos, scared I couldn't finish it once they started. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

Glasses: Just for sun, I have sensitive eyes.

PC or Mac: PC, no experience with a Mac

Mobile phone: Samsung, I can call and text, send the picture message for an additional 50cents. Nothing fancy.

Do you believe in ghosts? Yes

Do you believe in UFOs? Not that some one's going to abduct me.

Abortion: Pro-Life.

Death penalty: Yes please.

Gay marriage: Love knows no boundaries.

Where have you traveled? IL, IN, MI, HI, CA, VA, DC, Mt. Rushmore, MO, IA, Jamaica.

Where else can you be found on the Internet? I'll never tell...

Surprise

Remember Rosanne? On one of the shows DJ asked her if he was an accident. She said he was a surprise, DJ then asked the difference. She responded an accident is something that happens that you never want to happen again, like a broken arm. A surprise is something you didn't know you wanted until you got it.

We weren't trying to not get pregnant.

I talked to D before about this, told him I was nervous waiting Christmas Eve since I was freaking out(as I never had to take a pregnancy test before), he told me he was not. Told me he's not worried and that I shouldn't be. He loves me, I love him. We both wanted a relationship, we both felt we found "our lobster." We were pretty confident we had. The test was negative.

I surprised with him a visit March 27th, although I would see him the next weekend for Easter, I just couldn't wait. I was down in Kenosha that morning, a stone's throw away from the Illinois border and 3 short hours after that could be in my lover's arms! He was out golfing with a buddy when I got there, I waited a couple hours and then he was home.

I kept checking, waiting, cause I knew it should be any day. I couldn't remember what day I had circled on my calendar at work, but it was always near the end of the month, like clockwork. When I returned to work on Monday morning, I was 5 days late. Maybe it was stress, I told myself, it will come. There were signs, I could feel them, any day now. D asked me if I felt different, sick or boobs hurt worse than normal. I didn't feel any different, I was just worrying myself over nothing.

Tuesday night, I grabbed a pregnancy test on my trip to Target that night. Later in the evening, I grabbed a six pack of beer and headed to my girlfriend Mo's house. Pregnancy test are best taken in the morning I was told, this was my last night that I knew I was not pregnant. We drank the beers and smoked our cigarettes, I headed home, called D and slept well that night.

Gone in an instant

He left on a Monday, car packed, ready to go. I lied to my boss (sorry), told him D was going to Indy for training, I was going to drop him off at the airport and he'd be home on Friday. Truth is, we met at my apartment, went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch, back to my apartment and off he would go in his car packed with necessities.

So many questions ran through my head. Would he be the same? Would I be the same? Can we do this long distance until I find a job? Would everything fall apart and the idea of me moving be the joke of year amongst friends?

I knew he would come back, but only to finish packing his stuff and have the movers come to pack and ship it for the drive to Indy. He was looking for a place for us, sending me pictures and info. Letting me know how he felt about each place and asking what was important to me about where we lived. All that was important to me was that we would be together. Everything else would work itself out.

We had agreed, that we should think this through a little bit. I would need a job and money. Although my car would be paid off I did have credit card and student loan bills to pay. I did not feel comfortable with him paying my way, he helped out when I needed it. I flew down the first time to see our house, see the city, see him. I drove the other times, it wasn't too far of a drive and it was worth it to see him.

Shortly after, I came clean to my boss, told him D was living there and I wanted to go with. I wasn't ready to leave my job, I loved it, I was good at it. I learned so much from the short time I was there. TD needed to know, I think he already knew before I told him.

I got two interviews, but no job offers. I couldn't keep taking off work when I was lucky to land an interview, my boss had worked with me, but I understood his position also. I appreciated our friendship as much as our professional relationship. I would just need to save money, pick a date and go, it was much harder than I thought it would be.

And then?

Two weeks later, we learned D was up for his promotion, you know, the one where he may have to relocate. With this one, he would, it was in Indianapolis. One week after that, he was offered the job.

He called me as soon as he got off the phone with them, told me he was going to think about it, negotiate with the company (he has such a grown up job!). He wanted this, but didn't plan on meeting me. He needed to know that I would go with him, I would join him on his journey. He had to take this, that was not a question, he worked for this, he needed to do it. He wanted me by his side.

I knew I would regret losing love more than I would regret losing some time in Milwaukee, after all, I had been in Milwaukee for 27 years now. It was impossible for me to get lost in this city, I knew all the roads, all the restaurants, all the bars. The city was getting old to me. I needed something new, a new focus, new direction. I told D I would go.

The question was, do we go "balls to the wall" or do we think this through?

2nd Month

The second month I am not proud of, the second month, he should have left me, went back to doing what it is he does and just left me. I didn't deserve him, he was more than I could have asked for, what on earth did I do that I was so lucky to have this man as mine?! So I broke up with him, cut it off, I was done, I wanted him to be done to lose my number and not call. Before I get hurt so badly I'm not even sure I can fix myself and bring myself back to where I was before him. It was easier that way, or so I thought.

He came back, he kept coming back. I would argue about trivial, petty things would tell him I'm done and he would come back. I'm not proud that he came back, I wondered why and if he was for real. Still, eight months later, I hold him and kiss him and silently thank him for not giving up, for not leaving, for being so kind and wonderful to me it made me want to pinch myself to make sure I was not dreaming. I wanted this so bad and it was there, it was here for me. More than the man of my dreams, safety, security and love, strength, sexiness, patience and understanding. He understood me, he knew me, he could read me like a book.

I got through it, grew up and realized this is the real thing. I let go and let myself fall knowing his arms would catch me and hold me and calm me and free me. My world would never be the same.