Focus RELENTLESSLY on the positive.

If you follow me on twitter, I had a bit of moment today. I've been having a bit of a lot of moments lately. I was a jerk, I wanted to whine and complain and feel sorry for myself because my girl is NKA...

                        BUT MOMMY AND DADDY STILL AREN'T MARRIED

I started going to therapy, not just because we aren't married, but I've changed A LOT of things the past three years. Moved to a brand new city, had a baby, moved in with a man, bought a house, tried making friends (it's rough ya'll), one friend moved, another went off to finish school, and me?

Well... I started working for a great company thanks to girl who moved and then... see above photo. The girl who went to school and I do sincerely try to get together, I seriously don't know how she does it all, she's awesome! I'm a bum.

And I'm happy, I am, but something is missing. Next month will be D and I's 3 year anniversary. 3 years, 1 1/2 babies and... yeah.

Therapy has taught me I think negative, it's a process, one WAY over due for me. Like way overdue. There were so many different issues I thought I had under control, but I didn't. I was mean to D, I was feeling sorry for myself and I didn't want my daughter growing up with a sad, miserable, negative mother. Plus all the hormones that come with pregnancy, it's crazy. So I'm a mess, well, not a mess. It could be worse, but I'm working on it.

So I'm struggling and even though I want this really bad, the girl who moved reminded me others desperately want what I already have. So I'm a jerk and instead I need to focus on what I have, not what I think I want (damn hormones).

Someone who I admire told me, she felt a sigh of relief to know what looks perfect online, is not perfect IRL, (I had to vent and she is awesome at listening, sorry M, hope you don't get too many emails) and so this is not perfect. Yay.

Also, my spelling is probably not perfect and I don't know where the spell check is on here anymore.

Be positive!

The good, the bad, the ugly.

A quick Saturday night update for you all! Hi! It's been so long. This picture was taken by the wonderful Kelly, go visit her page and tell her she needs to post some more recipes (she makes some killer food yo). I've been busy, some good, some bad, some ugly.

The good is we bought a house, well D bought a house. Although I am far from a domestic goddess, it's nice making my own here in Indy, previously we rented a house. It wasn't ours, we didn't paint it or really make it ours. We haven't painted here either, but it's on the list. This house all beige, everything is beige...

Grace is doing great, I went back to work (lov-ing it) and now she's in daycare, THIS time we decided on going to an actual facility. I couldn't bring myself to do another home daycare, it's more than we would like to spend, but G has so much fun and learning a ton. Between working 40+ hours a week and trying to make our house a home, I feel like she's growing up right before my eyes. That movie with the remote control? That's what I feel like except I didn't push any buttons or even really want my life to go faster.

My work is great, very busy so the days fly by and a challenge I enjoy. PLUS, I get adult time and adult conversation. Don't get my wrong, I loved being home with my chick, but it was time to go back.

The bad, well... I don't really want to talk about the bad, now it doesn't seem so bad, but it's also Sunday afternoon. Beautiful day in Indy and as I type this I am sitting out on my mother's day gift (a conversation set) for our screened in PORCH!

I love that we have this porch. It's fabulous.

The ugly, well like I said before Grace is growing leaps and bounds, she's also becoming a bit opinionated and she knows what she wants when she wants it. This makes for the temper tantrums. Sometimes it's a scream (like a loud scream), sometimes it's a I'm just going to fling myself on the floor. She'll sit down first and stay limp when you try to get her to stand, but if it's a really big deal to her, after she sits she will arch her back and hopefully fling her head to the ground.

As a mother, you have to be 2 steps ahead always, if I know it will pry be the flinging her head to the ground temper tantrum, you have to make sure there is nothing there for her to hit her head on in the process (i.e. a table or toy or both).

She keeps me busy, this weekend though I think I found something to keep her entertained at least long enough to get dinner made: we bought a little tikes kitchen set and yesterday, I gave her a bucket of soapy water and told her it was time to wash all her dishes. She loved it, she was soaked, she drank some soapy water, but she had a blast.

And that my friends is what makes it good, all good, no matter what. My girl getting to play and experiment in her own little kitchen. I'm so happy she'll be 1 1/2 next month, this will be my best summer by far!

Follow up Way overdue and yes there is more...

So my last post was a buzz kill, I swear it was an out of body experience. I blogged, tweeted and .2 seconds after I facebooked about the incident, my dad called me to tell me alcoholism is a disease, like cancer, and I could get in trouble for putting her name and where she lives (if you live in the Indy and are concerned, please don't hesitate to contact me). It's not fair, comparing a cancer patient with an alcoholic, specifically one who cares for other people's children, but the way my luck has been going, I don't need a lawsuit.

I've spoken to the mom who reported the "nanny" and also spoke with the other mom of the other victim. I am thankful these ladies and I were able to talk, albeit, not the circumstance, but I cannot thank this mother enough for caring enough to get involved in this. It would have been easier to not get involved.

I still haven't written the police report, I still haven't had my "home visit." I was selfish on Tuesday, thinking about ME when I wrote that post. I realized early Wednesday I need to think about my girl, I need to watch her to make sure her happy go lucky spirit was not cracked by this experience.

Wednesday, I was angry, I was angry she lied to me, my mom and my girl, I was angry I have to have a complete stranger with possible pre-conceived notions of how I made this choice come to my home, I was angry that something far worse could have happened.

I still have questions: Did she have the cops have to chase the nanny around the house yelling and was she being belligerent while my daughter watched scared of what was going on? Was this a one-time incident where she was having a bad day and made a bad choice and got caught? Was this an everyday occurrence?

Besides G being really thirsty when we got home, I didn't notice anything else wrong with her. The "nanny" had a strict no sippys in the playroom rule which I don't blame her for, even with the spill proof cups G can still manage to squeeze the tip just right to have liquid come out. I didn't get close enough to this woman to smell booze on her breath or think that she was intoxicated. I was trusting, she looked like she had it together, the moms group I hooked up when I came to town found their sitters through Craigslist and LOVED them. My mom took me and my brother to a home daycare and it was a wonderful experience.

I have since gotten emails from my warning on Craigslist regarding other home care providers, they are not licensed either, after this experience I don't think I will ever go forward with an unlicensed daycare in the home or not. I know they are not all bad and I know a lot of them are sincere, honest people. I want to work, I want to know my girl is loved and taken care of, but I still hesitate. It's still new, I'm thinking after the home visit and using resources from DCS I will feel comfortable to go forward with this plan.

Failure...

I failed, I feel like I failed. I failed my daughter, my boyfriend and apparently I failed in the sytem. Within a one hour period today, I found my child in the arms of a Police Officer who told me she needed to talk to me. I also found out my "temp to hire" job has been taken off the assignment list. An hour after that? A black cat when I stepped away from my car after pulling in the driveway of what felt like a nightmare...

I found a daycare lady on craigslist, I was looking for a job I needed daycare. I didn't know she would be a drunk who refused to let police into her home so much so they had to kick the door in...


I was let go from my temp assignment, something about "superbowl and parking" and using current consultants... I was too busy trying to figure out why the police had my daughter and why DPS was getting involved.

Lastly, I get a visit, a "home visit" from DPS, because I wanted to work, because I needed to work and I thought that somehow, someway, there were still honest people in the world. People who really cared, who loved what they did, who gave 110% like I did...

SAHM to WM

Well friends, the time has come after 13 wonderful months home with my girl I returned to work this week. It's a temp job, but has the possibility to turn permanent. I worked with this temp agency when I first moved here (4 months pregnant I doubt I would have gotten hired by any company) and returned to them when seeking work, they came through again. It's funny, I never thought I would have luck with a temp agency, but lo and behold I have. The company I work for has hired people on previously so this is kinda like my pass/fail opportunity.

I found a great nanny for Grace, but was still anxious about leaving her on Tuesday for a "test run," I had to get some additional testing done for the job and since I had to pay the lady for the whole week anyway I thought that would be a good opportunity to make sure she would be okay with it. Originally I thought I would take her at 9, but was nearly in tears over the thought of it, instead I made her pancakes and dropped her off at 10. She did well, me not so much, but D drops her off in the morning since he gets to work much later than me.

It makes it so much easier on me that he's the one to drop her off, if I had to do it, I'm not sure I would last at my job. Wednesday morning she was good, Thursday morning she cried. We have some friends in town and they kept her on Friday so she could play with her "west coast boyfriend."

As far as the job goes, I really haven't had time to miss her, I've been really busy preparing for a meeting on Monday and want to make sure I cover all my bases (although I'm still not exactly sure what all those bases are). I finished the power point presentation to correspond with the meeting, but my supervisor did not give me reassurance I did the right thing or tell me it looks nice, that's important to me. Instead he said he'd review it this weekend, the meeting starts at 8am on Monday morning. I offered my cell phone or to come in and he said that it's not necessary. He didn't tell me to not come in on Monday, so I suppose I'll take that as a sign I did something right.

In my previous job I called my boss "sir," not that he demanded I call him that, it was just a habit I developed. My current supervisor told me not to call him "sir," my response? "Yes, sir." I know, I'm cool like that.

For now, I am happy, glad that I have returned to work. I kinda forgot that there is a world out there that doesn't revolve around Grace, it feels good to get back out there, to make a difference and hear the "atta boy" I didn't get from being a SAHM. Grace has been adjusting well from what I have been told and she's happy when I pick her up and she wants to show me the toys and things she did during the day.

My supervisor doesn't care what hours I work as long as the work gets done so I have been going in early so I can still spend a few hours in the evening with my girl. If they decide to hire me on though that would change, but hopefully by then we'll be in our house which is much closer to the job and the commute would not be so bad.
Oh the house? Yes, D got me my house, well is working on getting it. Our offer was approved and he got the mortgage papers yesterday! This song has been playing over and over in my mind these days because, well, it's the truth. I'm going to miss this, I do miss this, but right now, these are some good times!

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What happened in Vegas

We went there is September, you may be wondering, why all these crazy posts after all this time? Ha! Keep wondering. I kid, I got a "job" at an office again and have time! Lucky you, I'm starting with all my draft posts.

My beauty was 10 months on October 2nd, I breastfed her since the day she was born. I use past tense because those days are over and my heart is heavy. D, being the awesome guy he is, won a contest at his company which included a 5 day/4 night trip to Las Vegas. Grace was getting bigger and her attention span was getting smaller, our intimate feedings were becoming a pain as she was interested in everything else than the actual feeding.

I still miss it, I will always miss it. She is so big now, walking and trying to run all over the place. It feels like we just blinked and there she was all grown and walking. She's so silly.

2nd installment Year in Review

11) What was the best thing you bought?
Membership to the Y, I need to go more, but it's nice to get that "break" away from the girl, meet other people and get back in shape and be healthy.

12) Whose behavior merited celebration?
TD, he got a facebook!

13) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Someone who I haven't confronted yet.

14) Where did most of your money go?
Food, diapers and smokes, I probably should have listed that under things I failed at this year (I started smoking again after G was born). Now the internets know my dirty little secret.

15) What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Vegas Baby!

16) What song will always remind you of 2011?
"It Will Rain" - Bruno Mars

17) Compared to this time last year, are you:
- happier or sadder? Happier.
- thinner or fatter? Thinner, I was still losing the pregnancy weight.
- richer or poorer? No change.

18) What do you wish you'd done more of?
Organizing
Making plans
Being outside

19) What do you wish you'd done less of?
Arguing
Worrying

20) How will you be spending Christmas?
At my parents' house with family.