OMG in Indy

Follow up Way overdue and yes there is more...

2012-01-31T16:14:00.000-05:00

So my last post was a buzz kill, I swear it was an out of body experience. I blogged, tweeted and .2 seconds after I facebooked about the incident, my dad called me to tell me alcoholism is a disease, like cancer, and I could get in trouble for putting her name and where she lives (if you live in the Indy and are concerned, please don't hesitate to contact me). It's not fair, comparing a cancer patient with an alcoholic, specifically one who cares for other people's children, but the way my luck has been going, I don't need a lawsuit.

I've spoken to the mom who reported the "nanny" and also spoke with the other mom of the other victim. I am thankful these ladies and I were able to talk, albeit, not the circumstance, but I cannot thank this mother enough for caring enough to get involved in this. It would have been easier to not get involved.

I still haven't written the police report, I still haven't had my "home visit." I was selfish on Tuesday, thinking about ME when I wrote that post. I realized early Wednesday I need to think about my girl, I need to watch her to make sure her happy go lucky spirit was not cracked by this experience.

Wednesday, I was angry, I was angry she lied to me, my mom and my girl, I was angry I have to have a complete stranger with possible pre-conceived notions of how I made this choice come to my home, I was angry that something far worse could have happened.

I still have questions: Did she have the cops have to chase the nanny around the house yelling and was she being belligerent while my daughter watched scared of what was going on? Was this a one-time incident where she was having a bad day and made a bad choice and got caught? Was this an everyday occurrence?

Besides G being really thirsty when we got home, I didn't notice anything else wrong with her. The "nanny" had a strict no sippys in the playroom rule which I don't blame her for, even with the spill proof cups G can still manage to squeeze the tip just right to have liquid come out. I didn't get close enough to this woman to smell booze on her breath or think that she was intoxicated. I was trusting, she looked like she had it together, the moms group I hooked up when I came to town found their sitters through Craigslist and LOVED them. My mom took me and my brother to a home daycare and it was a wonderful experience.

I have since gotten emails from my warning on Craigslist regarding other home care providers, they are not licensed either, after this experience I don't think I will ever go forward with an unlicensed daycare in the home or not. I know they are not all bad and I know a lot of them are sincere, honest people. I want to work, I want to know my girl is loved and taken care of, but I still hesitate. It's still new, I'm thinking after the home visit and using resources from DCS I will feel comfortable to go forward with this plan.

Failure...

2012-01-24T21:52:00.002-05:00

I failed, I feel like I failed. I failed my daughter, my boyfriend and apparently I failed in the sytem. Within a one hour period today, I found my child in the arms of a Police Officer who told me she needed to talk to me. I also found out my "temp to hire" job has been taken off the assignment list. An hour after that? A black cat when I stepped away from my car after pulling in the driveway of what felt like a nightmare...

I found a daycare lady on craigslist, I was looking for a job I needed daycare. I didn't know she would be a drunk who refused to let police into her home so much so they had to kick the door in...

I was let go from my temp assignment, something about "superbowl and parking" and using current consultants... I was too busy trying to figure out why the police had my daughter and why DPS was getting involved.

Lastly, I get a visit, a "home visit" from DPS, because I wanted to work, because I needed to work and I thought that somehow, someway, there were still honest people in the world. People who really cared, who loved what they did, who gave 110% like I did...

SAHM to WM

2012-01-16T18:47:00.007-05:00

Well friends, the time has come after 13 wonderful months home with my girl I returned to work this week. It's a temp job, but has the possibility to turn permanent. I worked with this temp agency when I first moved here (4 months pregnant I doubt I would have gotten hired by any company) and returned to them when seeking work, they came through again. It's funny, I never thought I would have luck with a temp agency, but lo and behold I have. The company I work for has hired people on previously so this is kinda like my pass/fail opportunity.

I found a great nanny for Grace, but was still anxious about leaving her on Tuesday for a "test run," I had to get some additional testing done for the job and since I had to pay the lady for the whole week anyway I thought that would be a good opportunity to make sure she would be okay with it. Originally I thought I would take her at 9, but was nearly in tears over the thought of it, instead I made her pancakes and dropped her off at 10. She did well, me not so much, but D drops her off in the morning since he gets to work much later than me.

It makes it so much easier on me that he's the one to drop her off, if I had to do it, I'm not sure I would last at my job. Wednesday morning she was good, Thursday morning she cried. We have some friends in town and they kept her on Friday so she could play with her "west coast boyfriend."

As far as the job goes, I really haven't had time to miss her, I've been really busy preparing for a meeting on Monday and want to make sure I cover all my bases (although I'm still not exactly sure what all those bases are). I finished the power point presentation to correspond with the meeting, but my supervisor did not give me reassurance I did the right thing or tell me it looks nice, that's important to me. Instead he said he'd review it this weekend, the meeting starts at 8am on Monday morning. I offered my cell phone or to come in and he said that it's not necessary. He didn't tell me to not come in on Monday, so I suppose I'll take that as a sign I did something right.

In my previous job I called my boss "sir," not that he demanded I call him that, it was just a habit I developed. My current supervisor told me not to call him "sir," my response? "Yes, sir." I know, I'm cool like that.

For now, I am happy, glad that I have returned to work. I kinda forgot that there is a world out there that doesn't revolve around Grace, it feels good to get back out there, to make a difference and hear the "atta boy" I didn't get from being a SAHM. Grace has been adjusting well from what I have been told and she's happy when I pick her up and she wants to show me the toys and things she did during the day.

My supervisor doesn't care what hours I work as long as the work gets done so I have been going in early so I can still spend a few hours in the evening with my girl. If they decide to hire me on though that would change, but hopefully by then we'll be in our house which is much closer to the job and the commute would not be so bad.
Oh the house? Yes, D got me my house, well is working on getting it. Our offer was approved and he got the mortgage papers yesterday! This song has been playing over and over in my mind these days because, well, it's the truth. I'm going to miss this, I do miss this, but right now, these are some good times!

href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBDN8yWyNYU&ob=av2e">

What happened in Vegas

2011-12-29T09:01:00.000-05:00

We went there is September, you may be wondering, why all these crazy posts after all this time? Ha! Keep wondering. I kid, I got a "job" at an office again and have time! Lucky you, I'm starting with all my draft posts.

My beauty was 10 months on October 2nd, I breastfed her since the day she was born. I use past tense because those days are over and my heart is heavy. D, being the awesome guy he is, won a contest at his company which included a 5 day/4 night trip to Las Vegas. Grace was getting bigger and her attention span was getting smaller, our intimate feedings were becoming a pain as she was interested in everything else than the actual feeding.

I still miss it, I will always miss it. She is so big now, walking and trying to run all over the place. It feels like we just blinked and there she was all grown and walking. She's so silly.

2nd installment Year in Review

2011-12-18T12:01:00.002-05:00

11) What was the best thing you bought?
Membership to the Y, I need to go more, but it's nice to get that "break" away from the girl, meet other people and get back in shape and be healthy.

12) Whose behavior merited celebration?
TD, he got a facebook!

13) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Someone who I haven't confronted yet.

14) Where did most of your money go?
Food, diapers and smokes, I probably should have listed that under things I failed at this year (I started smoking again after G was born). Now the internets know my dirty little secret.

15) What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Vegas Baby!

16) What song will always remind you of 2011?
"It Will Rain" - Bruno Mars

17) Compared to this time last year, are you:
- happier or sadder? Happier.
- thinner or fatter? Thinner, I was still losing the pregnancy weight.
- richer or poorer? No change.

18) What do you wish you'd done more of?
Organizing
Making plans
Being outside

19) What do you wish you'd done less of?
Arguing
Worrying

20) How will you be spending Christmas?
At my parents' house with family.

2011 Year in review

2011-12-17T15:42:00.001-05:00

My bloggy friend posted this and I thought, that's a great idea, so I stole it and called her my friend. Christine does live in Indy and I've been meeting some pretty cool peeps through twitter and blogs, so adding one more to the list would be AWESOME! Anywho, on with the survey! I broke it up so it wasn't a novel. So for the first part-

1) What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Felt honest to goodness unconditional love, understood what it meant to really be a mother. Everyone can tell you, but until you experience it yourself you have NO idea. I watched the little grow and have personality!

2) Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Didn't really do resolutions, wanted to be a good mother and make good choices for our family, but didn't do anything out of the ordinary.

3) Did anyone close to you give birth?
Pretty much EVERYONE, there was an explosion of babies this year. I like to think I started this trend, babies are the new black.

4) Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, in January, it was early and a shock. My BFF's mom, God wanted his angel back.

5) What countries did you visit?
Mexico and Las Vegas (I count LV as a country because it's unlike anything I had ever seen before).

6) What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
A life in Indy, not just being here, but actually living here. I'm physically here, but mentally in WI, I am working on that

7) What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 7, that was the day we got the phone call about Erin and stupid cancer and Labor Day for reasons I will not discuss on the blog. December 1 and 2 for my girl's first birthday.

8) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
BF'ing my girl for 10 months!

9) What was your biggest failure?
Not making Indy my home and being immature when it came to my relationship with D, threatening to go back to WI often when we would argue. And my blog, but I'm working on that.

10) Did you suffer illness or injury?
"The doctor said most of my injuries are emotional."

What's YOUR number?

2011-12-13T22:16:00.000-05:00

Currently, we have 56 shows set to record on our dvr. Ok, ok, if we're being honest I have 56 shows set to record on our dvr. I think it's a sickness. I have started to despise commercials, when something is on we want to watch, I'll wait 15 minutes to avoid commercials.

The show I'm most ashamed of having recorded is Dr. Phil, I just can't deal with all those lawyer commercials and online college commercials. Dr. Phil's "hour" show takes me 15 minutes to watch since I miss all the sensationalizations (is that a word?), before, during and after the "meat" of the show.

How do YOU do it?

2011-12-11T16:31:00.001-05:00

Excuse me, but I need to get personal, very private... After Grace took her first limo ride (to pick you the babysitter nonetheless, in a "Desperate Housewives" kind of move).

We enjoyed the rest of the weekend, with one exception... The screaming, whiney, kid at the restaurant.

I felt my blood boiling over. You know that thought that crosses your mind "if that were MY kid..." I was a little hungover, as we FINALLY had a babysitter and yours truly enjoyed my new found (not bfing anymore) freedom enjoying a couple two, three, seven, eight, nine dirty martinis the previous night (we did have a limo to drive us home).

The majority of "mom blogs" I read still have sweet angel babies from the heavens, the few others with older children, well, apparently their kids don't ever misbehave in public, or they never blog about that.

Hypothetically we can say "I will never yada yada yada" or "I would just yada yada yada," but I'm looking for real true life experiences. Do you just leave every.single.event anytime your child is in the throws of a temper tantrum? Do you spank them? Do you find a place for timeout? Do you do none of the above and have another tried and true method when dealing with a screaming, whiney child?

Please discuss.

I want my readers back, readers back, readers back

2011-12-10T13:54:00.002-05:00

Hi there, been so long! So much has been happening and still so little has been happening. Most exciting news we have is we got an offer accepted on house here in Indy! I've joined the Y in hopes of losing that extra weight I gained from not nursing. I got a job that didn't turn out so awesome, but then got a new job that will allow me to blog again! For 13 uninterrupted hours a week, I get to be me again, well, a working me again, but it's a slow time of the year so I get to blog! It's a pretty cool gig. My girl turned one and is a monster! It's funny, I thought I had so much to say and so much to write, but then I got my chance and it's a whole lot of nothing. So, for now, I just want to welcome you back and hopefully I'll have what it takes to be a blog of substance once again!

Almost 11 months later..

2011-10-27T14:27:00.003-04:00

Oh my girl, my baby, the one that was my belly (I just wrote is and corrected it), the one that we just finished getting your shower gifts organized. Yeah, that one.

This is her now, well, actually it was her yesterday and tomorrow she'll be a teenager stomping her feet and rolling her eyes at me as I jam out to "Imma Be."

Treasure your first year everyone tells you and I did, I really soaked it up. I had my moments and since she became mobile and walking - I have them more often, but I enjoyed it. I miss her dinasour noises those first few weeks we brought her home. I miss her screaming her head off for no apparent reason months 2-3. I miss her learning to sit and wobbling around during tummy time, trying so hard to hold up her big noggin. Then she became a person, my girl, with so much personality. So silly.

She cuddled up next to me this afternoon before our nap, sat next to me while we watched Judge Mathis (stay classy) and I stroked her hair and kissed her head (which still has it's own version of cradle cap on it) all the while knowing this moment could be cut short on her terms now. She has no idea how much I ache for her to be my snuggly girl, how after she's asleep I'll hold her for a half hour or more just because that's what we did for so many months as we learned eachothers features. One day, sooner than I hope, I won't be able to hold her in my arms anymore.

I love her so much it's unbelieveable, but as much as I soaked it, I'm still wishing I could have had one more day...

I feel, therefore I am

2011-09-03T23:16:00.002-04:00

Feelings, nothing more than feelings... Ahem, pardon my singing, but when those feelings turn into a reality what do you do? My OMGinIndy has been far from perfect, although I never expected perfect, I had an expectancy for certain things. That we would be a family, that I would be enough for D, that we would find friends who would become family in this city away from "our city."

I'm missing home something fierce. I'm missing Grace playing with her cousins and watching my crazy family take care of my girl. She doesn't know what she's missing out on, but I do.

It's much more than what is here, it's picnics and cookouts and lazy afternoons on the lake, it's gatherings and get togethers and celebrations of milestones, it's goofy pollacks laughing and snorting reminising about the days of old.

It's friends, who now have children, watching our kids playing together and thinking of how different this "hanging out" is.

It's overwhelming, it's challenging... It's starting to feel less and less of a home.

Not a girl, not yet a woman

2011-08-22T20:54:00.000-04:00

My girl is growing. Yes, she is still a "baby," however, she is no longer the stationary, cuddly, fragile girl I brought home 8 1/2 months ago. Last week, I reorganized my house. Some call it "baby proofing," I'm simply trying to make it more "baby friendly" and a little more organized.

She is my only child, the one who made me a mother. I love her, I spoil her, I want to see her happy, not cry, it hurts my heart, but I'm slowly getting over that. I need to get things done during the day and she needs to be independent. There's still a bunch of kinks to work out. It will take more than a week to outsmart a baby, even with a college degree!

Our front room was just that, a room in the front of our house. It was becoming storage for diaper bags, car seat, and large, "containment devices" for the child (i.e. jumper/swing) that were just in the way in our living room. I didn't take any before pictures as I wasn't intending on creating a "how to" post and since I used things we had already purchased to create a play room for Grace. It turned out nice though and since I am far from crafty, I thought sharing would help out other non-crafty moms (it's amazing what a little TLC will do to a room).

These shelves were literally sitting around collecting dust, I dust them off and organized her toys, I will switch them out as she cannot reach the ones on the top shelf...yet.

The end of the shelf begins the "walking wall" it is just as it sounds, things we use on a regular enough basis which she can use to pull herself up and walk around in. Sorry about the blurriness, this girl is on a mission!

She could stop for a quick pose though.

Lastly, a little play area by the window so she can people and animal watch and enjoy the sunshine while getting some learning in.

Our home is still filled with baby stuff, but our living room is not. Gone is the cluttered mess and in place is a functional space for all of us to enjoy.

How I'm the idiot

2011-08-16T15:47:00.003-04:00

Mothering is tough, any mother knows and it's not something that you can comprehend until you have children of your own.

Grace is 8 1/2 months old and some days it gets so darn overwhelming. She's walking up on EVERYTHING she can pull herself up on and leaves everything in disarray. No matter how clean I try to keep my house, she'll find a crumb or a fuzz or a piece of grass and pop it in her mouth. She's learned that when she does that to keep her jaw clenched because the big mean mama is coming to dig out whatever she put in there.

I thought I had outsmarted her yesterday, I finally moved the books she kept pulling off the shelf from the 2nd cubby to the 5th (top) cubby and today after throwing in another load of laundry I find this:

Baby 87, Mom O

Family

2011-08-11T17:50:00.004-04:00

I was chatting with my fellow Canadian mother, who, like me is also in a relationship with her "baby daddy." We don't want a big wedding, our wedding day will not be the most important day of our life, the day we met our daughters was. A wedding will never ever come thisclose to the moment in my life when I first held and locked eyes with the beautiful child we had created. With that said, I still want to be married dammit.

I went to my boyfriend's office today(dropping off gym clothes for him and bringing him lunch), when I arrived he was finishing up a conversation on the phone and he told the person on the other end, "yeah I gotta go my wife and kid just showed up with lunch." I replied how I always do "I am not you wife." It bothers me, yes I am "like" his wife, but not really. It's not about the ring or the piece of paper(although that's nice to have), it's the vows, the promise to forever and always love...

Silly, I know.

Bringing sexyback & baby crack

2011-06-24T14:35:00.005-04:00

Hi all,

First and foremost, thank you for sticking by me while I remain on a self proclaimed hiatus from blogging. Life hasn't been all rainbows and sunshine in the recent months, having a baby changes everything, having a baby with a man you knew for 3 months rocks your entire world. I'm happy to report we are on the right path, we've had to try a few different things some worked, some did not, some needed clarification... BUT we are still in love even though we have our days. Who doesn't right?

It has been one year since I've been in Indy! At times it feels like it's been a long year, I spent a week in Milwaukee this month surrounded by my great friends and wonderful family and it was much needed. I knew when we moved that it would be tough, having a baby makes it that much more difficult. I've gained a few great friends which I am so happy about, I still need to learn to spend time away from the baby, to have D watch her and go enjoy my friends. I'm working on that.

Onto the important stuff, next week, my babe will be 7 months old!!! She's army crawling all over the place and is so proud of herself. According to my mom, I was walking at 9 months and I have no doubt my baby will be around that time too. She is so determined, it's hard to try and sit her down as she locks her legs and wants to stand, she'll even take some steps while holding on to our fingers, she's on a mission.

It's awesome watching her learn, amazing when she "crawls" to me, and funny when she wants attention (mostly when we are eating). Her thing is to crawl around the table, put her head in her arms and cry... we don't respond, she moves a little more and repeats. Maybe D is right, she does have me wrapped around her finger and knows how to play me like a fiddle. She's such a goof! But, just this week I found a solution, aka "baby crack."

Before you go calling CPS, let me explain, it's a mesh feeder thingy. It's not crack, it's frozen peas or, if she already had baby food, a banana! Banana's are her crack, she LOVES them almost as much as she loves me. She chomps and sucks until there is nothing left, then whines cause it's gone. Don't mess with the mesh!

My mom is coming this weekend and staying through part of the week. D and I are planning a real honest to gosh date since we have grandma here to watch the babe. Hopefully, I'll be back on track soon with this blog thing. Have a great weekend!

Alone, together.

2011-05-14T15:55:00.007-04:00

Grandma and Grandpa took the baby this afternoon. Finally, we have an afternoon all to ourselves.

Source

Relax, this isn't that kind of blog. Instead, D is playing "Angry Birds" on his iPhone and I am catching up on my reader as well as adding new blogs.

Folks, listen - Having a baby DOES change everything! Enjoy your weekend.

P.S. Have you found any great new blogs people need to know about lately?

Not the mama

2011-05-12T10:17:00.000-04:00

Source

Hey all, so now the baton is passed on to me. I have read in my "mom blogs" that babies prefer the mama and Grace is becoming no different. Last night during dinner at the neighbor's (M's) house I wanted to imbibe a few Miller Lite's. I brought my bottle of pumped milk over to the neighbor's house and she offered to feed it to the baby while I prepared, more like, attempted to prepare some dinner. Grace would have none of it, my sweet darling of a girl turned into a pretty p'd off baby. Why? Because M does not stand for mama.

I felt two ways about this - 1) that I am THE MAMA, but b) sometimes mama needs a break and it's okay for her to know that others can and will love and care for her. The toughest thing in the world is hearing your baby cry/scream and knowing that all they want is you. I know I am helping her not be so dependent, but dang it's tough. M has watched her before and we spend a good amount of time with her, but I think my presence prohibited her from getting over the fact that someone else was feeding her and it was not OK. M told me she was not like this when she watched her before (THANK GOD).

I recently started a part time job on the weekends and daddy is looking forward to spending time with Grace one on one, I was nervous, but they both seem to be doing well adjusting to this new schedule - at least that's what D tells me.

It's tough being in a new city and having few friends or family to help my daughter learn that others are capable and willing to love and care for her. We are getting out of the house, but most of our interactions with "outsiders" are limited to me holding her while they smile and look at the baby, the minute I hand her off, she is unhappy, I leave her sight and Bam, all h-e-double hockey sticks breaks loose. Grace has established a comfort zone and I am the mother ship of which it revolves around.

A friend told me babies think like they are thrown onto a foreign planet. It makes sense, they spend 10 months in the womb and come out into this world lost and scared. I love being a mom and just want what is best for her. I am hoping in writing this post someone can come and prove me wrong, that she is just fine when someone else is holding her and really I'm making this up to make me sound more necessary than I really am.

I wholeheartedly believe it takes a village to raise a child and although I do try very hard to keep an open mind with everything, others can influence and instill values in her that I may not be able to. I learned too that being away makes me love and appreciate her more which makes me a better mother and woman. I cannot forget about the woman that I am.

Hola

2011-04-18T15:39:00.006-04:00

Hi all, long time no talk. I spent a WONDERFUL 8 days and 7 nights with my family at a resort in Huatulco, Mexico. My dad rented a villa for his family and, well, MY family too. Geez, it's still weird seeing the words "my family." For so long I felt as if I would never have that and BAM, it snuck up on me and here they are. Grace was covering her eyes in this picture because, like her momma I think her blue eyes are sensitive to the sun.

Don't worry, Grace was slathered in SPF100 and we quickly went back in the shade after this photo. I think the heat would get to her so we would crawl up to our bedroom and enjoy the cool air.

I was nervous about traveling with her, but she went with it and did pretty well. I got some great tips for traveling with a baby from ThisCasita The trip back was tough with delays and problems on both of our flights, I would have been crying too if it were acceptable for a 28 year old woman to cry due to the long delays. We were worried about getting our connecting flight home to Indy, but that was delayed too!

We visited La Crucicita to see the markets and church. Nearly every woman there was so enamoured with our beautiful baby girl, my mom said it was her blue eyes, I think it's cause she's just so darn cute. :) Grace loved all the attention, but would only tolerate being held by the locals for a short amount of time, then it was back to "the momma."

It was a fun week and much needed vacation for all of us!

My life was forever changed on this day

2011-03-31T20:47:00.004-04:00

Yes, one year ago today my life changed forever when I read one word: pregnant. I mentioned before we weren't not trying to get pregnant, but that test, that day one year ago changed my world forever. It meant I was going to become a mother, I had a life growing inside of me, it was no longer me, myself and I. I would have a family.

It seems like yesterday. I will never, ever forget this day, it will forever be "the anniversary of Grace." It's was the day before April Fools and I could have blabbed I was pregnant, people would write it off as an April Fools day joke. 10 months later the joke would be on them! Yes, a very special day for me and D, one we share with our daughter and it is ours forever. It's better than my birthday, I was reborn that morning one year ago and my life has not nor will not be the same.

Don't wanna miss a thing

2011-03-18T09:54:00.004-04:00

Happy Friday Dear Readers! As I sat outside yesterday enjoying the beautiful day in Indy, I looked at my daughter snuggled in my arms and realized this motherhood thing is flying by! She's already sitting in her bumbo, rolled from her belly to her back (was probably her big head leading the way, but she did it 3 times so it wasn't a fluke) and my favorite - she started laughing. I've been enjoying this time with her - she's still my snuggler, she needs her momma. She'll continue to grow and opportunities like we had yesterday will become few and far between as she'll be busy exploring the world, not looking back.

We went to Milwaukee last week, it was so nice to be back to visit with friends and family and to have Grace spend time getting to know them. While driving back, the Aerosmith song that's the title of this post came on and the water works flowed for this momma. I don't want to miss a thing, not a smile, not a kiss and I just want her to stay my lil snuggler. I know that can't happen, but it's truly awesome how much you love your kid.

I've been reading your blogs usually with my baby in my arms and haven't commented, it's our quiet time during the day. I haven't really had too much to say on here either, my baby is growing. It's exhilarating and terrifying at the same time, I want to embrace this time with her, enjoy it, remember it, it will be gone so soon. I know there is plenty to look forward to, but I want to cherish the todays, I understand now why they call it the "present." Cheesy, I know, but I am from Wisconsin (Go Badgers!)!

We gave Grace her first "real" nook, here's how she felt about that:

Grace just woke up from her little snooze, so I'm going to go and snuggle and smile and laugh with my little girl. I hope you all have a great weekend and enjoy the "present."

Life and other details

2011-02-25T09:27:00.004-05:00

My babe is not a fan of tummy time. Even though she is protesting in this picture, this is a fav of mine. It's important to remember mommyhood is not all puppies and sunshine, it's mostly puppies and sunshine but not all.

Wednesday, she will be three months old. I don't know where the time went, but it flew by. I have been getting more motivated to finish her nursery since she's running out of room in her bassinet, I hear her hitting the sides more and more while she sleeps waking her and me. She still is sleeping like a champ though.

I know I haven't really blogged a whole lot, last week we had a couple of "nice" days and I took Grace for a few walks and cleaned out my messy car. My beloved Bird died, he was 16 and cockatiels live to be 15-18. My aunt and cousin came down for a visit, we walked around downtown, but mostly we stayed in and played with the babe. She's smiling and cooing a lot lately. I put her newborn clothes away except for some onesie's that still might fit if I ever put them on her (I'm loving the zip-up sleepers right now and since we really don't go anywhere or do a whole lot, they work great and are so simple). I finally got an electric pump and was amazed at what I was missing out on! Definitely worth the money. Grace sat in her bumbo for the first time (I put a blankie and pillow around her to support her neck), she's much more interested in being where she can see the action instead of counting dots on the ceiling.

That's all I've got friends. I am looking forward to a weekend with just the three of us we haven't had one of those for a few weeks with me being in Milwaukee, my parents coming down then my aunt and cousin coming down. Hope you all are doing well!

Life is like a box of chocolates

2011-02-16T10:06:00.000-05:00

Hi all, sorry for the lack of posts. I went home to Milwaukee two weekends ago, not a planned trip by any means. Sadly, my bff's mother passed away from the stomach cancer we learned about one day before my birthday. She was a true angel on earth and will be forever missed. I last saw her at my baby shower and when I spoke to her 3 weeks ago, she was so excited to meet baby Grace. I think she met her, because the morning I learned of her passing, little Grace was the smiliest I've seen her. I know Erin is with the Lord, she is back with her Father, but I am so sad to see such a beautiful person's life end so shortly.

I had this fear of traveling with the baby and am happy to report, she did so well on the drive to Milwaukee. It's about 5 hours from my house to my parents house and little Grace snoozed nearly the whole way there. She was waking up a bit when I had to slow down for the tolls in Illinois, but once we were off, she'd doze.

Upon our arrival to the greater Milwaukee area, we stopped at my cousin's house so I could feed the baby (I didn't want to stop at a dirty truck stop) and surprisingly, she wasn't screaming her head off. She met her fur-cousins who sniffed the heck out of her and apparently "good dog" means "jump on my lap even though I'm holding my sweet baby." I was not above hurting the dogs if they hurt my baby, no animals or babies were harmed.

The funeral was on Friday in Appleton, another 2 hour drive. I thought baby Grace was thinking she'd be forever stuck in her car seat in a car, but she was a good sport about it. Afterwards, we went to a pub and thankfully she did not enjoy her first bar experience. It's amazing how you think the world changes after having a baby, there still aren't baby changing stations in a bar bathroom, this mom thought there would be, I don't know why. There never had been in any of the bars I frequented and I probably would have thought badly about mothers bringing babies to bars, but that's what happens when you're a mommy, you get jaded and think now that I have a baby the world should just be convenient for mommies with babies.

I had my aunts, cousins and friends over to meet Grace. It was a fun day and Grace really does love her mommy, I wouldn't say she had "stranger danger" yet, but it proved that Grace hears, looks and wants me. I need to get her out more.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday... Oh Packers how I love thee! Congratulations on a terrific season! Before the big game, Grace got to meet her cousin Reese (she's 10 weeks older). Grace was frustrated Reese could hold her head up, roll and almost sit by herself. Reese was jealous of Grace's long locks.

We cuddled and snuggled and spent time with Grandma and Grandpa. My friend Laurie and her daughter Isabelle stopped by for a quick visit.

We left Tuesday morning.

3 hours after getting into our trip ONE of my worst fears came true. Driving down 65 South, just outside of Gary, a silver minivan was driving north in the southbound lane. Now this wasn't a "OMG, I'm on the wrong side of the hwy" situation, this was a "I have a death wish and want to take as many people as I can with me" situation. Thankfully, Grace had woken up and I was in the right hand lane to exit the highway and stop to feed her. The driver had caused an accident and both sides of the highway were closed, I pray no one was injured. In my 12 years of driving I have never ever seen anything like that and the rest of the trip home I would not pass a vehicle until we were on a straight path and I could see no vehicles were driving towards me.

And as for the title, today I got a coconut filled one and then a yummy chocolate filled one! Lastly, what you really came here for - a picture of the baby.

I believe there are angels among us

2011-02-01T14:45:00.005-05:00

I got the news on January 7th, one day before my birthday. My BFF's mom was in the ER, something was wrong, BFF feared it was cancer. BFF was right. Stomach cancer. I told BFF she was strong, we would pray, we would trust that God would take care of her, that God would give her the strength, it was in His hands now. Last night, God decided he wanted his angel back.

I should have gone back to Wisconsin. I spoke with her two weeks ago, she thanked me for the picture of Grace and told me she can't wait to meet her. We were praying, my faith was stronger because of her. She is watching over us now, Grace's smiles over my right shoulder this morning tell me she's there, it's okay, she's with God now. She was one of His children and she adored Him and this morning, she got to go back to her Father, forever.

A true angel among us, I am lucky for the years I spent with her, God wanted his angel back, but I wasn't ready to let her go...

Mommies shouldn't be judgemental

2011-01-26T09:27:00.008-05:00

Should they? I might need to take a break from the 'book,' the facebook that is. I logged on yesterday afternoon, was stalking as I usually do, then I saw it and was filled with OMG! A "friend" of mine went to WIC (Wisconsin's state assistance program) yesterday and was enraged that they were talking about breastfeeding her baby with her. She then ranted that "it's MY body, MY boobs, MY choice and MY baby." I commented "if it's your baby/choice then you should pay for it, no?" I haven't logged on since.

The issue wasn't with her choice to breastfeed or not breastfeed, it's tough when you're the only source of food for your baby (I know from experience). I'm probably making this more dramatic than necessary, but this "entitlement" irks me. When my younger brother's girlfriend got pregnant her response was "...they'll pay for everything so it's no big deal." OMG about that too! The they who pay for that is us, we do not have a choice. I struggle with this.

I judge and I get angry, of course it's not the child's fault. They are innocent and shouldn't have to suffer for the bonehead decisions their parents make, but to bite the hand that feeds you is wrong. There is nothing wrong with being on assistance. Situations happen, circumstances change - babies are very expensive and I want the child to have the best opportunities and life possible.

I understand there are unforeseeable circumstances where a family needs extra help. Planning to have a family because they'll pay for it is, in my opinion, boneheaded. Getting disgusted because the institution that will be giving you citizens' tax dollars to care for your child talked with you about breastfeeding instead of formula, also, imo, boneheaded.

I realize receiving assistance is not glamorous. I've had family and friends who have struggled getting through the system, having to wait days to see a doctor when they had a sick child, choosing buying diapers and formula over paying the rent because their assistance hadn't come yet. Not only does this cause financial stress, it causes insurmountable emotional stress.

I personally struggled with my decision to leave my job and go blindly into Indy looking for a job while I was 4 months pregnant, giving up receiving temporary disability after her birth. I am fortunate to have D who could support me financially, I am fortunate to stay at home with my daughter. Without D, I would certainly need assistance and there's a good chance I may not be able to continue to provide Grace breast milk.

I want another child, possibly two more children, but I also know that we've had to make financial adjustments with Grace. D has the responsibility of financially providing for both her and I to allow me to stay at home and raise our baby girl. Sadly, there isn't an endless supply of money.

I struggle. I don't want to be judgemental, moreover, I don't want Grace to see her mom being judgemental. I realize I easily could someday be calling or waiting on assistance for my child, swallowing a huge chunk of my pride and eating these words I wrote today.

Can we discuss?

Not for 70 years

2011-01-23T13:10:00.003-05:00

Have the Packers and Bears played in a championship game. Big Grace is all ready decked out and waiting for the win! She needs to get all the use she can out of this cute 'fit as her daddy would say.

Sleeping Gracie

2011-01-19T21:42:00.004-05:00

So my daughter has been pretty cool as far as sleeping goes. Almost right out of the gate she was sleeping 5-6 hours, we'd put her to bed around midnight and she'd sleep until five or six the next morning. Again, one of the bazillion reasons we are so blessed to have her in our lives. She has gotten more expressive, more aware in her daily activities this has also been apparent in her sleeping activities.

Grace smiles in her sleep and sucks her lips - she's amazing to watch even when she's sleeping, she really is, I'm not just saying that cause she's my baby. :) She also cries in her sleep, you can see her lip getting sad and then she'll let out a loud wail. I'll comfort her, pick her up, try to wake her so she knows not to be scared, but she's sleeping - she'll just snuggle in and continue to get her rest. Her dad talks in his sleep so I don't know if she gets this from him or it's something all babies do since it's my first one.

Sunday night, all of us tucked in bed, Grace let out a huge wail. You know when kids are older and they let out the silent cry and you just want the kid to breath? Grace did the loud cry, but was not breathing back in. It was such a long wail I was starting urging her to breath! I brought her in bed with us until she calmed down and went back to sleep. When we woke up in the morning I saw this:

This mom should pay more attention when her babe cries as well as how quick baby's nails grow!

Grace's Nursery

2011-01-16T12:41:00.000-05:00

You have asked about the nursery and I have put it off for good reason, we're renting and would like to buy a home once the lease is up. So much time and effort is put into it and instead of using my energy to prepare a room for Grace she wouldn't use for a few months and then use only a few months after that, instead I directed my energy into a making our house a home. D lived here a few months by himself before I came and although he has an eye for decorating, we needed to add nick nacks and pictures to make this space ours.

Here's what the nursery looks like, it still looks like this today, but missing some outfits, washcloths and blankets.

Here's what's in the crib, a lot of baby stuff. We decided against a bedding set because even though they look pretty they are costly and used only for decoration (baby can't sleep with things in the crib).

Also, we don't have a dresser for Grace, instead, here's where I put her clothes. They are all out in the open and it works because she's growing out of her newborn stuff and in a couple months she'll be growing out of her 0-3 months clothes.

This is a picture I will be so glad to hang in her room, it was a gift and the perfect touch when she gets her own room!

It was difficult to get a good shot of the closet, but this is organized too. We got some clothes for when she's older and I don't want to forget about them, we have her diapers and wipes in there too along with some toys for when she gets a little older.

Grace sleeps in our room for now, she's so small. I think she's much more comfortable knowing mommy is just an arms length away instead of in a whole 'nother room.

Anyway, I don't think she minds.

I was born one morning...

2011-01-10T09:46:00.004-05:00

28 years ago this past Saturday, this birthday was a lot different than the past 27 years in that I had my baby! Instead of a birthday cake, I used up one of my diaper cakes from my shower. It differed from the last 10 years in that I didn't get one.single.birthday.shot. and I was okay with that.

My BFF and her hubby were going to come down from Wisconsin to meet my daughter and celebrate my birthday. We've celebrated as long as we've been friends, over 5 years now. She called me Friday afternoon and told me her mother was diagnosed with stomach cancer.

Cancer sucks.

My 28th year celebration wasn't about me, it was about her. She has been like a second mom to me, I think of conversations we have had, her strong faith and I know I am a better person for having her in my life. This has brought many people closer to God. I have spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about how He does things according to His plan, not ours.

Anyway, I will show you all the nursery you've been dying to see this week. I was going to type it up Friday, but with the news, I hope you understand.

Being Mommy

2011-01-03T18:54:00.007-05:00

I know I have lacked posts and I tried to stay in touch, but the majority of my day is dedicated to my new bundle of joy and the remaining time is spent sleeping, eating, and cleaning (myself/house)... usually in that order. Grace has been such a joy, I never ever thought I could/would be THIS MUCH in love with her. It hasn't been easy peasy, it has been a challenge, it has pushed me when I didn't want to get up, it has frustrated me when she cries after I put her in her bassinet or anywhere other than human arms. It has been painful, not the recovery from giving birth, but the breastfeeding!

I can say now I am glad I stuck with it, I'm glad I pushed through when it felt like my nipple was going to fall off, for us, it's so much easier (and cheaper) to whip out a boob instead of making a bottle. Grace has taken to it and I love when she gets "robin's mouth," she looks like a little birdy looking for her food. She gets an adorable, surprised look on her face when she latches and does those first few sucks. It was tough, those first few weeks, the pain was ridiculous, I cringed each time she woke up hungry.

With Grace turning one month and my birthday coming up, I was hoping I could pump to enjoy a night out with friends and a few cocktails, but I didn't have much luck with that. I bought a manual pump and tried it after I fed her in the morning and pumped a half ounce. Any hints or tips would be appreciated.

We are so blessed to have a healthy, beautiful baby girl. I am so glad she is such a great baby, we think she is so good so she persuades us to have another one (not anytime soon). She's had good poops and wet diapers (what the doctor and nurses ask about). I've already had to cut her out of a onesie due to a diaper blow out, there was really no easy way to get her out of it. Grace did get baby acne, she still has it, but it doesn't bother her. She liked having a bath, but not her hair washed. I kept her cord scab, I can't bring myself to throw it out.

As easy as it is to say that I would like to go out, the reality has been it's so hard to leave her. What if she needs her mommy? What if I miss something? For now I'll enjoy my babe. I've been told it goes so fast and it seems like it already is!

OMG Born in Indy

2010-12-23T10:23:00.011-05:00

My mom held my right leg, D my left and I began pushing at 10:45pm on December 1st. At first I was pushing with my face, it felt like something was going to burst inside my head. That's not the kind of pushing you want to do when delivering a baby, I learned that pretty quickly. The nurse was very helpful and soon I could feel the difference between a good push and a bad push. The doctor wasn't in the room, she came in and left...it would be a while.

The doctor came back an hour later, she kept telling me I was close, D was counting down how many minutes it would be if she had a December 1st birthday. D was my support through the whole process, he would ask for another push, telling me I had one more in me (4 pushes per contraction vs. the 3 the nurse asked for), D was counting to 10 for me for each push, telling me "come on, she's so close." The baby had been "close" for a half an hour. I got sick. The nurse gave me the small container, I think I went through three of them. It wasn't a little sick, it was full on sick everywhere, my bed, my hair, my face and on the floor sick.

After that, I was tired, I was done. I had my fit. I told the doctor I needed help and asked if she could use the vacuum or forceps to help me. She told me I could do this, we'd put the baby at further risk if we used those instruments. She told me she could start braiding the baby's hair the baby was that close. I kept pushing, they asked if I wanted a mirror, I declined, I couldn't feel my contractions, D told me when to push, the doctor told me to push when I felt like I needed to.

I stopped, I had a contraction and I didn't push. I needed my strength, I need to gather my thoughts, gather my strength. It was almost 12:30am, I had been pushing for one hour and 45 minutes. I needed that break, the next contraction, I gave it everything I had, all my strength, all my focus and her head came out. There was merconium (she had pooped while in the womb), I had to wait to push her body out while the doctor cleaned out her airway. Besides the baby on my bladder throughout labor, the waiting was the most painful. I could see all her hair, but didn't hear her cry. I think my heart skipped a couple beats, but I wanted to get her out. With the next push, she was out and I heard her cry. We had a baby. D stayed by my side, the baby was taken to the warming bed in the room.

I told D to go look at our baby girl, to check to make sure she was healthy and count her fingers and her toes. The nurses were cleaning her off, giving her the APGAR test and it felt like doing everything else under the sun before they would give me my baby. They were asking for a name, like a lot of you have been, but I wanted to see her, to make sure she fit the name. When I finally got to hold her, I had to study her, watch her, and snuggle her.

30 minutes after that, we told the nurse "Grace, Grace Marie is her name." She was born the day my grandmother died one year ago, the name means blessing and my water broke because I tripped (so graceful), it was fitting.

Happy New Year, thank you for remaining readers!

And then

2010-12-22T14:07:00.000-05:00

We arrived at the hospital, D dropped me off at the door and went to park the car, we were off to find the labor and delivery, but got lost and I was in pain. An older woman got me into a wheelchair and ushered us to the labor and delivery unit. They sent us to triage where they monitored my contracts and the baby's heart rate. D was watching to see when I was having contractions, telling me it was a "big" one or that another one was coming, I told him I could do without the commentary. They were hurting and I just wanted him to rub my lower back. I kept thinking I was a rock star and when the nurse checked me I would be 7 inches dilated and nearly ready to push... Ha!

Much to my dismay, I was 2 or 3 centimeters and my water had not broken. Her head was down and on my bladder that's why I was feeling so uncomfortable. They told us I was definitely in labor, but it was still a little early to be at the hospital, we could stay if we'd like or head home. We chose to stay, it was snowing a bit and I was in pain now and didn't want to be at home. Around 1:00pm they admitted me and so it began (our camera is still on CST).

The doctor came in and gave us our options - wait, have her break the water, start pitocin. We chose to wait, but decided if nothing happened by 3:00pm we'd have the doc break the water. I got the birthing ball and used the shower for the pain as it was still manageable. We went for a walk around the hospital and upon returning to the room at 2:50, I tripped and felt a pop, I was on my way to the toilet which worked out nicely. My water broke, my body was doing what it was supposed to and I was ecstatic! I felt a burst of energy thinking it wouldn't be too much longer!

My mom arrived at 5:30, I not made any progress, we opted for the pitocin. I felt the pain from the contractions increasing, I didn't want to walk around like I thought I would, instead I wanted something for the pain. I was given some nubain, it made me fuzzy, but didn't do much for the pain. We opted to get the pitocin to get things moving, the pain of my contractions quickly increased, I got the epidural. I held a pillow and put my head in D's chest, the anesthesiologist would stop for the contractions, the relief was nearly immediate.

I went from 3cm to 7cm in 2 hours. Around 10:00pm D went downstairs to get the rest of our bags, the nurse came in to check me, I was at 10cm, it was "go time". I called D freaking out that it was time. He came back up to the room and the nurse gave us the news that 2 other women were ready to push, one might be a c-section and there was only one doctor on call.

Since I was doing well with the epidural and wasn't in pain, they wanted me to wait, the nurse told me if I felt the urge to push or felt the baby coming out (if only it were that simple) to call her, she was right outside the room. 30 minutes later the nurse came in and told me we could start pushing. I was shaking, no longer from the epidural (you shake), but from nerves, D helped me relax. My mother grabbed my right leg, D my left.

Soon, all the waiting would be over. Soon, we would meet our unnamed sweet baby girl, the one who had grown inside of me for 40 weeks.

The beginning

2010-12-19T13:52:00.005-05:00

So Thanksgiving weekend, my parents came and went and baby was still snug inside keeping warm. I found out later my mother sobbed nearly half way home because she was afraid she'd miss the birth (she's in Milwaukee). The braxton hicks contractions began Sunday evening, they'd come and go, come and go... I wasn't getting too excited, my Doc told me I was only slightly dialated and she sounded like we'd have to induce.

The end of the month is a busy time for D, he joked I needed to not have the baby before then. Tuesday night at 3:42pm I wrote down my first contraction. They were steady, I'd been having them for a couple hours so I thought maybe I should start keeping track. 4 minutes later there was another, 5 minutes after that another... D was working late, he called and I told him we may not make it through the night, he asked if he should come home. I told him to stay at work, I was fine, this birth thing takes awhile.

I ran to McD's for my "last meal" of chicken nuggets, fries and an orange drink, I forgot my phone. D called our neighbor to come check on me, I was fine, just hungry. When he got home, the contractions had slowed to between 6-10 minutes apart, we went to bed and I tried to get as much rest as I could because I know I would need it the next day. We got up at 8:21, D took over the writing down of contractions, I made it through 11 of them at 3-4 minutes apart before we called the doctor's office. I was leaking a little bit and wanted to make sure it wasn't my water. It wasn't the huge gush, but I wanted to make sure the baby was safe and my bag was still entact. The doctor couldn't see us until 2:00pm, but they told us to go to labor and delivery to make sure.

I called my dad (my mom was a basket case) to let him know we were headed to the hospital, he purchased a plane ticket for my mom and gave her a call. D and I got ready, packed our bags and headed to the hospital.

It won’t be like this for long

2010-12-15T17:44:00.003-05:00

To my eleven readers;

Again, my apologies for lack of posting. As the blog post states "it won't be like this for long." I have been wanting to savor my sweet baby girl, watch her, hold her, snuggle and enjoy her.

She's already grown to eight pounds, gotten a whole inch taller and she's nearly two weeks old. I honestly don't know how D and I have been blessed with such an angel, I find myself thanking God many times during the day and we joke we were given her so we giver her a brother or sister who is a tyrant. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, I can not imagine motherhood being so delightful (yes, insert the "oh please" right here).

I want to share her birth story, share with you how our daughter came into this world, and of course share her name. The days prior had been spent sleeping when I could since I had been super uncomfortable and sleep was a commodity. I have set aside some time (baby permitting) for blogging, I miss it and D thinks I need to find something to do with myself besides this all day

I just can't get enough! Hope you all are doing well!!!

Lack of posting

2010-12-04T15:18:00.002-05:00

I would like to apologize for the lack of posts the last few days, but hope you understand. We are doing great, but have been busy with this-

Hope you understand, I'll update soon!

Turkey Weekend

2010-11-30T11:27:00.001-05:00

I was so excited for my parents to come and be the first ones to test out Hotel L, they arrived late on Wednesday (darn Chicago traffic), but I was excited to see them so I stayed up late and waited. My mother packed for the week anticipating the arrival of the one who remains nameless, much to her dismay and to a little bit of mine baby L decided Thanksgiving best be served without her.

Here's me struggling to get the cranberry sauce out of the can:

Making his debut is D, carving the turkey!

Our little spread:

As you can see it was a very low key celebration, but I loved the elastic waistband theme, of course I ate too much and we watched movies and zoned in and out of consciousness. Really, not a whole heck of a lot to the day. We called our family in Wisconsin to catch up and say hello, but it was nice to just have a quiet holiday as I was not hiding the turkey under my shirt, but instead carrying the baby. I look at that picture and would like you to know, it really is as uncomfortable as it looks, but still wouldn't change it for the world.

If she wants to spend all her time in there, then she'll spend it all in there, I can protect her, have her and hold her 24/7 as I have the past 10 months. Shortly after that though baby, you gotta start paying the rent! Throughout my pregnancy I thought I would have her early, I was wrong and that's okay. Knowing I'll be giving birth to a full term, healthy baby is worth it. I look forward to reading all your Turkey day celebrations!

Hotel L

2010-11-29T11:12:00.005-05:00

D and I remodeled the guest bedroom to be like a real guest bedroom for the company we are anticipating once our little girl decides to make her appearance or gets dragged out. Isn't it pretty?

If you do chose to stay at Hotel L, you'd even get your own private bathroom!

We are now accepting reservations!

Happy Tuesday

2010-11-23T10:50:00.002-05:00

Hi all, I'm going to keep this post short and sweet. We are preparing for my parents to come into town tomorrow and also preparing for baby. Our doctors appointment was cancelled yesterday because our doc had five babies to deliver in the morning and three to deliver that afternoon. She was in delivery when we arrived, the patient was pushing and last we were told was that the patient might have to have a c-section.

I felt so bad for D, he left work (he's getting just as anxious) and was really hoping to have heard that we were ready to meet our baby girl. I was too, but had some (lots) of cleaning to get done, baby won't come till the house is clean right?! Anyways, we got our camera and our memory card works! D and I put together the spare bedroom yesterday, just got to set up our bed frame and we'll be open for business.

I will leave you with a pic of my bff's from Milwaukee, this picture was from my shower and these girls mean a whole lot to me!

There are no mistakes, only lessons

2010-11-19T11:37:00.006-05:00

So happy Friday! This is a melancholy day for me as today marks the second job I will have left this year, this job is a lot easier to leave than my first one, but still I am leaving a job. Two jobs this year alone, I worry about how that will look on my resume when I resume being a part of the work force. I will also not be contributing to the household income which is a stupid stressor I put on myself as it has not been about money with D. He told me yesterday the car I wanted was $650 a month, (he looked, not me) but maybe he can afford that in a couple years! I just think it's so sharp looking! What do you think?

Source

Also, today marks one year ago from the day I met D. I would not have imagined we would be preparing for a baby or living in Indy. We don't have any special plans, he's had a rough week at work and I've been pretty lazy and sloth like around the house. Not what most think of when they think "anniversary," but I'm just fine with it.

I've been on strike. I don't mind doing the housework, but I really want D to help get things ready for the baby. I want him to pick the upstairs or downstairs and spend a few hours cleaning and dusting (I'll do the other), hopefully we can get this done this weekend. I also want to do the baby's laundry as I bought the sensitive detergent (Arm & Hammer, it was cheap), wipe down the walls of the nursery and hang the pretty picture we got for her. I got a new memory card for the camera, so I can document this! Yay, pictures! Let's just hope THIS one works!

I learned a hard lesson this week and it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, I had to pay $150 for making a right hand turn (which unbeknownst to me is the minimum traffic fine in Hamilton County). I went to court, the officer did not tell the truth under oath, but I still had to pay the fine. I will elaborate further when I am not so angry.

It's always like this this time of year, when it's dark by the time you get out of work I have such a difficult time to find the motivation to do anything, add on 38 weeks of pregnancy and I'm spent by the time I get home. It is a full moon this weekend (apparently babies are born during full moons), but I am hoping I can have some time to relax and finalize all the preparations and enjoy a fun girls night out (which I desperately need).

How do you handle the winter darkness?

Weekend Wrap Up

2010-11-16T13:17:00.005-05:00

Hello all, hope you had a good weekend. I did not have a very motivational weekend. D and I went to K&G Friday night to get him some suits for a great price (sale ends November 21), then we headed to a Chinese buffet with sushi (I really miss sushi). We perused Trader Jack's and although I love the pretzel bread, the lines were long and that's the only thing we would have purchased so we passed. We wandered into a trendy furniture store, but only to browse, maybe when we move into a home we'll look into new stuff, but I would die if D spent $400 on a chair.

Saturday, D went golfing with his buddies and I didn't do anything except two loads of laundry which are folded, but sitting on the chaise lounge in our living room. I met him out at the bar afterwards for a bite to eat then we came home and called it a night.

Sunday, we went to Super Target to get the rest of the items for baby. We had nearly $175 in gift cards, but still ended up spending $170 - babies are expensive. We still need a bumper, however baby won't be in her crib for a good two months or so after she's born so she'll be fine. D went out to watch football, and I watched 16 and pregnant and Teen Mom at home. I was on strike this weekend for cleaning. We finished up the weekend with game of Uno with D's friend B and had Pork Tenderloin for dinner.

SourceThis is my last week of work before the baby! The second job I have left in a year, I'm excited about being a mommy, but fear that all this coming and going will hurt my job search when I need to begin one again. D has been working his butt off and assures me I don't have to worry. He's getting more and more excited each day, he's even asked why we can't just have the baby now like I'm a kangaroo and can just take it out of my pouch and viola! there's the baby. If it were only that easy...

Attending Birthing Class

2010-11-08T10:49:00.007-05:00

On Saturday morning we were up bright and early to head to our Birthing class, since I'm due in less than 4 weeks, it was about time to finally do the class. We had signed up for the class in September, but it was cancelled. We were signed up for one in October, but it was (what we thought would be) one of the last nice days in Indianapolis so we skipped it. Our final chance to do the weekend class BEFORE the due date was on D's "birthday week," but he declared last weekend his birthday weekend so I didn't feel too bad dragging him to class.

The teacher gave us an exercise to do separately of what we envision for our birth, what is important to us, D and I are on the same page regarding how we want the birth to be. I did ask about being induced since my mom will be coming from Milwaukee, however, we both chose to just "let it happen." I am nervous and more anxious as my due date nears, the unknown, the when. However, the excitement and anticipation is something I would like to enjoy while we can.

We learned different relaxation techniques, different "tools" to help relief pain during labor (i.e. medicine ball, tennis ball, massage tools even a painting roller), aroma therapy, and visual aids. Several birthing videos were played and, no joke, the lady running the class told us to go get lunch from the cafeteria and bring it back to the classroom to watch another video, I'm not squeamish about that, but thought some people might be.

We toured the hospital, saw the labor, delivery and recovery room. I inspected the room, the bed, bathroom, closets and television trying to familiarize myself with those surrounds knowing the next time I am in there it will be to meet my baby. We saw the room where we will go after recovery, the nursery where she will get the APGAR test and the nurses' stations. The whole experience helped me feel more at ease after viewing and imagining everything taking place, it wasn't eye opening, but I wouldn't say it was a waste.

Source I know the birth won't be like in the movies where my water breaks and 5 minutes later I'm pushing,especially since this is my first pregnancy. As great as that would be, still I get anxious. D is great about not getting stressed out under pressure and has really been supportive of my crazy pregnancy brain, ridiculous questions/scenarios, shopping trips and projects I want to get done around the house. His newest nickname for me is, most appropriately, "Nester."

What do you do to calm your anxiety?

RMHC Event

2010-11-08T09:50:00.007-05:00

Hello dear readers! Wow, what a weekend, I have so many posts and not so many pictures. Now that I am nearing the final stretch, my temp job has had someone fill in for me on the days I have my doctor's appointments. I only have two more weeks left of work, but was a bit bummed at losing the three days of pay, but the time off so far has not been boring!

This past Friday was the first of my days off. I met D on Thursday night after work at K & G Superstore (they are having a fantastic sale on men's suits), we left my car there and went to dinner before returning home for the evening. Friday morning, we drove to get my car, we switched cars for the day because my CD player is broke (and I missed my music) and his is automatic. Don't get me wrong I still love my manual transmission, but sometimes it's a nice break especially because I had so many errands to run.

I went back to the house, did some laundry, cleaned up the kitchen and ate some breakfast and headed to the doc. Everything was good and no changes except in the size of my belly! Baby's heartbeat was 150. I planned on going to the post office, but realized once I left the house, I didn't get directions to the Aveda Institute where I was going so I used the extra time to find it. I was getting my hair and makeup done for the Ronald McDonald House Charity event at the beautiful Roof Top Ballroom downtown!

The place was beautiful! The event was great, they had a silent auction, fabulous food and (I heard) the wine was great! There were a few heartbreaking stories and of course I was the pregnant lady sobbing all through the stories. One of the most touching was of a family who had a little girl and she lived only 3 1/2 weeks. The family thanked RMH for "a lifetime of memories in 3 1/2 weeks," it was very touching and pulled at every one's heart strings.

It was a beautiful evening for a great event, we were both exhausted and headed home. We had a big weekend ahead of us: birthing class and cleaning! I'll save that for my next blog post, I would hate to overwhelm you on a Monday!

32 years ago today

2010-11-03T10:32:00.006-04:00

32 years ago today, I wasn't even a glimmer in my mother's eye. 32 years ago today, D's mother was in the hospital, pushing out a 8 pound, 13 ounce baby boy. This baby would grow as a boy to be a great mathematician.

Source

As a young man, he served his country as a Marine.

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I've had the Beach Boys lyric in my head all week and although he would say "barf" to this, it's the truth "God only knows where I'd be without you..."

Happy Birthday to my Beloved!

36 Weeks

2010-11-02T13:26:00.008-04:00

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Today I'm unofficially 36 weeks pregnant! One more week and baby is "full term." The crib is built. The diapers, wipes and Desitin are placed on the shelves, we have nooks, baby wash, lotion, oil, powder. We have blankets (oh do we have blankets), we have burp cloths, washcloths, towels. We have sleepers, onsies, socks, outfits and a Christmas dress. We have a base, a carseat, a stroller, a boppy, a bounce chair, a bumbo, a bassinet, and a pack n' play aka baby jail.

I cry when I hear country songs about a baby girl, last night, on the ride home I heard Rodney Adkins "Cleaning This Gun" and sobbed through the 465 to 69 bypass. This morning, I googled "baby girl country songs" I came across Kenny Chesney - There Goes My Life and the tears flowed from reading the lyrics.

We're so close I can taste it, I have spent more time looking through the baby clothes we have than I have watching my DVR'd shows. I have visions on photographing her under the Christmas Tree all snuggled up in a diaper with a big large bow on her. I imagine meeting her, holding her, having her close to my skin, feeding her, bathing her, watching her. I wonder will she look at me, will she open her eyes right away and know I'm her mommy. Will she have hair, will she be bald?

D is beyond ecstatic, we went out last night with his coworkers and he was just so excited talking about his baby girl, he observed how his friend always lights up when he talks about his son and I could see the same light in D when he spoke about his daughter. I've spoken to old friends, they have told me they can hear in my voice that I am happy, one mentioned a twinge of jealousy over how things are coming together in my life.

We have so much to do, but still "not that much," we are finally doing our birthing classes THIS week after postponing them twice. I can say now in a "couple" weeks we could be doing the real thing, we'll consider this weekend the practice run.

How did/would you feel when you are thisclose to meeting your baby?

Cause it's almost THRILLER, thriller night...

2010-10-29T11:19:00.005-04:00

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That girl you saw on your way to work at 7:30am blasting Michael Jackson's Thriller and doing the dance complete with shoulder shimmy while seated in her car... Yup, that was me! I didn't really get BIG into Halloween after I was too old to trick or treat, but after I turned 21 and could go to the bars and party then I would dress up and I tried not to be too skanky. I reused my female Where's Waldo outfit quite a few times and my roller derby skating costume too, we'd always go to different parties/bars so only my besties would see me in the same outfit.

I asked D if he wanted to go out for Halloween, out to the bars and everything since this will be our first/last Halloween without kids for... 18 years or so, but he had no interest. I'll most likely be sleeping by 10:00 anyway Saturday night. BTW, I say first/last because we met November 19th, so this is our first Halloween together and also our last without kids, because indeed we are having a baby. That's my logic readers, I'm polish, OK!

I'm excited as I am now a home dweller and we have lots of kids in the neighborhood so I get my very first trick or treat being responsible for purchasing and handing out candy. Again, did this at my parents house, but they bought the candy. My apartment was locked and I didn't get any kids. It will be fun checking out all the costumes and melting when I see the cute babies.

We briefly discussed having D dress up as a scarecrow, putting up a sign that says "Please take one" and scaring the crap out of the greedy kids that take more. I don't know if that will come to fruition this year or not. We like to wait till the last minute to decide things, more him than me, but none the less, we procrastinate. We haven't even gotten pumpkins to carve or put out for decorations!

What are you Halloween plans?

What I learned in the last 35 weeks

2010-10-26T09:39:00.010-04:00

This week marks my 35 weeks! I have honestly been very blessed throughout my pregnancy, I have heard some not so good stories about morning sickness, hemorrhoids, early contractions and bed rest. Even though I've hit "the wall" as they say (walking 3 blocks is a challenge, and I'll still have to stop to use the restroom even if I used it right before I left) I still enjoy feeling my baby girl planning her escape and punching and kicking me throughout the day now, even the kicks to the ribs aren't so horrible.

The last 35 weeks have been a roller coaster! Aside from moving to Indy I have learned so much about myself and my body and still am in awe what it has grown. I have built a human. It was nostalgia when I felt the first little flutters of movement my tummy in the quiet of the early morning on a futon in my Grandfather's home knowing my grandmother felt those flutters of my mom and my mom felt those same flutters of me in that same house. I feel connected to women, the earth and God as I will soon do what billions of women before me did.

In the last 35 weeks I have learned:

-hormones are real and in fact an excuse for ridiculous crying or laughing or weird combination of both

-I used to think a back tuck was an awesome thing my body could do, ha! That's nothing now

-my bladder is not made of steel, it feels like it's now made out of sponge

-having a baby is not as overwhelming as it seems, I have great family and friends who came together to provide us with plenty for this baby

-it really does go by fast

-I have been humbled by this experience

-Dreft is expensive, detergent with no dyes or fragrance does the same thing for less

-a "crib set" is really just an expensive decoration, because you can't put blankets or pillows in a crib - mesh bumpers and a crib sheet works just fine

-it hurts to bend over, like physically painful - and it's nearly impossible move past the waddle at this point, jogging or running are out of the question

-actually, everything hurts now

-your belly button hurts when it's expanding, it's scar tissue and does not have elasticity

-people are nice to pregnant ladies, they smile, hold doors and offer congratulations

-my boyfriend is, surprisingly to me, very handy

There is a ton more I could add to this list, probably a ton with TMI, but that's the fun of blogs right? Knowing all the juicy details, maybe I'll do one of those posts in the future. I had my baby shower this weekend and took lots of pictures and pictures of my month old niece, I tried to upload them using my parents computer, but again had no luck. :( I met kjpugs on Friday and here's the picture she took of us:

If you enjoy my blog, make sure to stop by hers if you don't already. She is more awesome in person than she is in her blog and she's the one who gave me the kick to get this blog started, we became friends on twitter and she was asking if I had a blog.

I can't believe I have a baby growing in my tummy! My niece was an absolute dream and angel, seeing her made me so much more excited to become a mother, we played tricks on family and friends telling some I already had the baby or that it was my younger sisters baby. :) I think D was slightly intimidated by her though, he laughed as she tried to focus on him and started going cross eyed, but had no desire to hold the tiny princess, it will be different when it's his.

What did you learn from your pregnancy or what advice/information have you learned from friends and family during your pregnancy?

'Ok, imagine jail...and then change nothing'

2010-10-20T14:28:00.010-04:00

This is a quote from the movie we went to see this weekend, Life As We Know It (cute, funny movie, but not in a cheesy kind of way). In the quote, he is referring to marriage, I laughed so hard when I heard it and couldn't stop! D was looking at me like I was a crazy woman, it wasn't THAT funny, but it was.

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There are mornings, those early morning hours just waking up, entwined in each other and we fit together so perfectly I can not wait to call this man my Husband. Then we have other times where he seems so distant, or I am being difficult and I feel we have so much work to do. I want to hear him promise to me, God and closest family and friends that he will take me as his, and I take him as mine, we exchange rings and kiss and then it's over.

Very soon we both will be having the happiest day of our lives, meeting our daughter. Marrying will not replace meeting her as the happiest day of my life, certainly not a wedding. People often assume he's my husband, D's friend B even calls me "the wife," I am correcting him and reminding him I am not D's wife, I am his girlfriend. I do not want us to fall in that trap, where it's "like" we're husband and wife and worry that since "it's 'like' we're married" we won't actually get married.

We were out a couple weekends ago, as we walked past a jewelry store D asked if I wanted to look at engagement rings, he did not say this is jest, but I had no desire. It seemed weird to me. Part of it is the wedding talk/end of season that's been going on, part is because I spend hours looking at wedding porn. Mostly, nearly all of my friends are married now. I love other people's weddings, love seeing the pictures and love hearing the details, but I don't need or want that for me. God gave me a baby first and I have faith that he'll give me a husband next.

Why am I writing about this? Am I engaged? No, I'm just a baby mamma who one day wants to have someone to call my Husband and he'll call me his Bride, and we'll live happily ever after where it won't be like jail!

Did you get nervous because you lived together or had a child together that since it was "like" you were married, you wouldn't actually get married?

Shadows

2010-10-19T11:41:00.001-04:00

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Just wanted to pop in and say "hi" quickly! I'm working on putting together some regular posts. Tonight, D and I are going to take a CPR class, it worked out really nice for us as the building I work in is having the instructor come to our work. I would like to urge each and every one of you to take a class.

We hope to never ever have to use it, but after reading Kelly's story I knew I must take the class. Please, if you have not, at least consider taking a class sooner than later. Knowing that I could potentially save one life makes it worth it for me!

That's my public service announcement for the day!

In other news, we have a crib in a room... the future nursery, my baby shower is approaching and I am excited to get everything washed and ready! Make a trip or 8 to Babies R' Us (for real, I had to go to Walmart a bunch of times for forgetting stupid things when I moved into my apartment even WITH a list) and then play the waiting game.

Our little girl is growing so strong, her newest "trick" is scooting her butt up on the right and moving her legs along the left side of my ribcage! She spent the weekend in my ribs, but I still wouldn't trade it for the world!

Hope you all have a great Tuesday! Check out Kelly's blog, try not to hate her too much for looking so fabulous after having her handsome ACE man then find a CPR class near you!!!

The Versatile Blogger Award

2010-10-18T14:37:00.008-04:00

Hey dear Readers! My fellow prego, the awesome, Stephanie at This Casita honored me along with some other great bloggers the Versatile Blogger Award! I love getting awards, although I don't feel I have been to versatile (I haven't done recipes or remodeling and STILL have to purchase a new-old memory card for our camera), but the thought is much appreciated! So I am to tell you 7 things you don't/might not know about me, without further ado:

- I know LOTS of song lyrics, like tons, everything from Aerosmith to Frank Sinatra to Phil Collins to Eminem. I spent lots of time listening to music growing up. I love relaxing and listening to music, D is not too big of a fan, but he's getting into it.

- I have a bathroom phobia. When I was a little girl, I got ring worm on my rear end. I heard the doc telling my mom it was from using public toilets and that was the end for me! I wouldn't use the bathroom at all during the school, the teachers were always calling my mom because I didn't go to bathroom breaks, I held it in. Any bathroom that was not "my" bathroom was out of the question. Since pregnancy, this issue has been a non-issue (when you gotta go, you gotta go), but I wouldn't say I'm cured. I have never gotten a bladder infection from this, I have a bladder of steal!

- Port-a-potty's are OUT of the question! I hadn't stepped foot in a Port-a-potty for nearly 20 years, but broke that two years ago because my nephew had to go and he couldn't reach the bowl. If he wasn't so gosh darn cute, I wouldn't have broke my streak.

- I skipped Kindergarten. Graduated high school when I was 17 1/2! Take that!

- I was born on Elvis's birthday day, coincidentally, my dad was born the same date of Elvis's death. Do you know what those are?

- Since about August, I spend the majority of my day with at least one hand on my belly. I love feeling baby move! Love love love it! I mean people told me it was cool, but they didn't tell me it was THIS cool!!! I'm growing a human! Nearly 34 weeks later I am still amazed at that.

- I'm a horrible liar, like really bad. I could maybe get away with lying if it wasn't to your face, but if I had to straight up lie to your face, you would probably know or I would break down and admit it. It's a blessing and curse!

Some gals that are more than worthy of receiving this award include:

http://www.happyhourwithahousewife.com/ - Funny, wonderful, insightful housewife in CA to boot!

http://jessicalynnwrites.blogspot.com/ - A strong, smart military wife with some awesome recipes!

http://kjpugs.com/ - She just got a great new design and is a sweetheart, also includes melt-worthy pictures of her adorable pugs!

http://littlewedplanblog.wordpress.com/ - who is now Mrs!

http://youngbutinfertile.blogspot.com/ - and another fellow prego, an inspirational woman and story.

I can't complain but sometimes I still do

2010-10-13T12:00:00.001-04:00

It's a gorgeous fall day here in Indy and the title is from a song I've long forgotten, but it's the truth... (Bonus points to those who know the song) I heard the song playing on my walk around the circle at a cafe that I've never eaten at. I have nearly 7 more weeks until I meet my baby girl and couldn't feel more happy at this moment.

D surprised me last Saturday and straightened out the nursery and my Hercules moved the crib all by himself into the room! Baby steps, right? I know it will get done, it better this weekend! I'm starting to let go of the worry, D tells me I need to stop worrying all the time. What can I say? I get it from my momma...

But I digress, when we disagree I get worked up and dismissive, I mean I nearly have "everything" I've ever wanted and yet I still complain. This relationship stuff is new to me and when crap gets difficult, all I can say is "I'm done, I'm going back to Wisconsin." It's not fair to D, he works too hard for us, his family, and for me to get crappy like that. He helps me see that and has patience to work through this and talk it out, I am a lucky lady.

Being in a relationship after 5+ years of being single, difficult. Being in a relationship after being single for 5+ years, moving to another state AND going through pregnancy, priceless.

One day we'll look back laughing...

How has life been good to you so far?

The Great 8

2010-10-12T14:27:00.005-04:00

The wonderful kjpugs tagged me in her post and since she motivated me to create this blog I owe it to her and my wonderful readers to answer questions. Besides I like to answer silly questions - it's fun.

1.If you could pick any one animal to have as a pet, what would you choose? I would want a dog, nothing too over the top.

2.What is the weirdest injury you have ever sustained? Umm, I got a huge bruise down under once.

3.What is the worst insult you’ve ever received? Shortly after I relocated I found out I had a parking ticket that was a fraud, but they were sending me to collections and suspending my plates. I called and explained my situation and the woman told me "You were probably thinking if you left you wouldn't have to pay it..." Yes, dear readers-unprofessional. I called her supervisor AND got the ticket dropped.

4.Which character from Friends was your favorite? And if you didn’t watch Friends… who the F are you? I will go with Phoebe, she was the funniest and cookiest, I need to get more Phoebe-ness in my life. Smelly cat, smelly cat...

5.What is the best “go-to” recipe in your arsenal? Don't really have one, for an appetizer probably shrimp and crab dip, it's so easy. On a platter spread cream cheese, sour cream, then cocktail sauce and put canned shrimp and crab on top. Serve with Wheat Thins. For a dinner, something with Chicken, I haven't really messed up anything with Chicken.

6.If you could go back and change one detail of your life, what would you change and why? My reaction to my first boyfriend breaking up with me, it was bad and a lot of my insecurities came from that.

7.Which of the 50 United States would you least like to live in? Hawaii, islands are not my thing unless they're private.

8.What was your favorite class in high school or college? I really loved American History in college, it was interesting to learn and see how history repeats itself.

I know I'm supposed to tag 8 peeps, but instead I'm going to turn and ask you my dear readers to answer me those questions. Pick one or all eight and tell me your answers!

Things that make you go Hmm

2010-10-08T13:58:00.006-04:00

"It’s my job to help shape my child into the person I think he or she should be."

"I’m a parent. I’m doing the best I can to raise my child with the belief system I have in place. I am using the tools I have to make the best judgments I know."

These are quotes from the guest post that has taken the blogging world by storm. Scary Mommy had her friend do a guest post, if you haven't already, you can read it here.

I read these above quotes and am prompted to ask the question, are you also saving money for the therapy bills?! To quote Dr. Phil "How is that working for you?"

Last week, I mentioned D and I went to church, we went to a Christian church, Non-Denominational and what they do is instead of a Baptism, they have a dedication, (my family assumes our baby will be baptised). The purpose of this dedication is this:

Parents present their child before God and His people asking for grace and wisdom in carrying out their responsibilities. Parents also come praying that their child might one day trust Jesus Christ as Savior for the forgiveness of sin.

I was baptised a Catholic. By no fault of my own, my parents divorced when I was 13, I was then a bastard in the eyes Catholic church... this is where things between me and the Catholic church got messy. I didn't have my father growing up, I always said as snotty as could be "I didn't ask to be born."

As a parent, I am going to have to make some decisions, some choices for my child while keeping in mind she too didn't ask to be born. I'm not talking about the peas or carrots, Cheerios or toasty o's, but choices that are going to affect how she views the world, choices I make for her that shape and change her. I want to do all that I can to encourage her to make her own choices and be confident with those choices, to be comfortable in her own skin.

Living with D, only though it's been three short months has taught me a lot. The other day I left the house without kissing him goodbye because I woke up late. I spent all day thinking about that, how long would it have taken me to walk 5 steps give him a quick peck?

I freaked out about being late, I didn't think about how he would feel (he thought I was mad at him) nor did I think what if something happened to either of us. The news story of the morning was that a little boy was killed by a car on his way to school, I sure hope his mother kissed him before he left and he knew how much he was loved.

There's so much a parent needs to think about, not just the color of her room, or her bedding or the outfit she'll wear coming home it's how every choice we make for her until she is old enough to make her own choices are going to affect how she makes those choices. It's not about me or D, it's about her.

What do you think the role of a parent should be?

Pictures, Video, Vlogs oh my!

2010-10-08T13:33:00.003-04:00

Don't get so excited dear readers yet, I promise I will get a new, old memory card so my computer can recognize the format, but just wanted to blog about a giveaway that would be fantasical for me to win... I suppose, it's fantastical for anyone to win, except those of you who recently purchased a new camera.

On Mommy Words, you can enter to win a new Flip Ultra HD Camera!! Just go here:

http://www.mommywords.com/2010/10/win-a-flip-ultra-hd-on-mommy-words/

It's simple to enter, and if I win, I promise pictures for all!!! Everyday, maybe even a video. :) Thank you.

Have a great weekend!!!

If I could write a letter to me...

2010-10-07T08:52:00.008-04:00

I've been having a lot of thoughts and feelings, but getting those on my blog seems like a jumbled mess, I start on one topic and then go to something totally different. 8 more weeks (more or less) and I will meet this tiny baby who as of late has been making me uncomfortable, while continuing to make me laugh and blow my mind that my body has created a human being.

One of my favoritest mommy bloggers, Melissa at Dear Baby was recently inspired to write a letter to her former self prior to becoming a mother, you can read about it here. You may want to have a whole box of tissue handy while reading this woman's blog, she is so kind, loving and hopeful for her daughter,husband, family and friends and personally inspires me to remember it is the small things in life that are most important and she has GREAT style sense!

I encourage each of you to think about what you would write to you regardless of where you are in life, please feel free to share in the comments section of mine or Melissa's blog. Although I have not yet given birth, this experience has changed me and without further ado I present you with my letter to me.

Dear Me,

You are too excited thinking of what you're going to dress up for Halloween to even think about it now, but soon you will meet a great man. You will have no idea the effect he will have on your life or that this time next year you will be Indianapolis expecting your first child together. The next year is going to be filled with so many ups and downs, but you will be a better person for it and it will forever change you.

You are going to work through many of your insecurities and worries, this man will help you with those things, he will hold you and talk to you and look at you and you will know that what he says is true. He will not be perfect, he will have his faults, you will be far from perfect also. You will embarrass yourself and show him your vulnerable side and your ugly, but he will come back, he will come to your window in the cold winter night wanting, needing to be with you. He will tell you you are his lobster.

You will not have a problem getting pregnant and live without morning sickness, you will be away from him those first months. That will break you enough. Everything you have known the past 27 years will change, you will be less judgemental. You won't live happily ever after. You will worry, be anxious, wonder how you'll make it, you'll doubt your decisions and when you think you've realized you've made a huge mistake, you'll talk with this man. You'll be careful, you'll be cautious, you'll be open. You'll really know that you have your family's and friends' support.

The rest has yet to be written. You'll cry when you hear songs on the radio, see that car commercial with the little girl, watch people give birth on tv, and even while picking out your mother's birthday card. You'll dream of big things for your baby girl, bigger than you ever dreamt for yourself, in 8 short weeks your life will change more than you or I could imagine. You're ready for this, you will be great at this, it's all part of His plan.

Stay Tuned,

You

Quitting my day job

2010-10-06T09:00:00.001-04:00

I was riding down to the first floor with our interns for my afternoon break yesterday. One had his backpack on so I asked if they were headed to class or done for the day the answer was neither. They were going to watch traffic and count cars. I asked if they count like "One, one car, ha ha ha ha. Two, two cars, ha ha ha ha..."

They laughed and I laughed nearly the entire walk around the circle... I'm so funny, maybe I should quit my day job!

Source

Finding our place

2010-10-04T09:49:00.013-04:00

Happy Monday all! This weekend was much better than last! Friday, after our Doctor appointment we went walking around Noblesville and had dinner at a small brewery. We went to go see the "facebook movie" too. Saturday night, I got to get out and hang with awesome, intelligent, funny ladies. Sunday, D and I went to our first church here in Indy, our first church service together.

D and I are not religious people, but I believe that I need to be focusing more on religion and faith. Previously, all my endeavors with having a relationship with God began with a tragedy. God had blessed us with each other, a child, He had plans for us we didn't even know about and I’m excited to find what else He has planned for us. He has already created something so wonderful and we both want to honor Him and teach our daughter about God and Jesus.

D wanted to wear his Manning jersey and I told him he couldn't wear that to church, when we arrived, nearly half the congregation was in jerseys. Next week, he can wear his jersey.

We both liked the church, it was contemporary, there were a good amount of young people and families with babies and I felt we could fit our family into this church. We were invited to sign up and they would inform us of the next welcome class. I liked that I didn't feel uncomfortable about our "sinning," (I was raised Catholic) the member asked if it was safe to assume I was with child, of course I told him yes after joking about weight gain.

I'm not sure if we're going to explore other churches, we both felt comfortable and enjoyed the sermon, the one turn off was pushing the tithe. Next week, 10/10/10 they explained there were going to focus on tithing (10% of earnings given to the church). We appreciated the heads up. We're okay with discussing that for a week or two, but hoping this church WON'T focus on tithing all the time.

How did you find a place of worship with your significant other? Did you change religions?

SwitchBoard Operator

2010-09-30T10:32:00.008-04:00

I am a switchboard operator, I am not a secretary, I am not a gopher. My job is to sit and answer the phones for the Indy and two other offices. Few people reports to me if they are in the office or out of the office, no one reports they are stepping away from their desk, in a meeting, or at lunch. Calling me back to report that they did not answer the phone does nothing more than irritate me and wastes your time, leave a message, when they get back in, should they choose, they will call you back. When pages are not returned, I cannot run around all three floors to see if they are in the office.

I do not know who called your cell phone, we have over 200 employees in this office and 50 in the other two and they do not report to me when they call a cell phone. Listen to message first, and then call back. They also do not report to me when they call 911, I do apologize to the 911 operators, but as far as I know, there is no emergency. We have asked them to be careful when dialing out, I am not sure why they cannot do this. I am a switchboard operator.

Lastly, This is a large business, I have over 50 John's, Chris's and Bob's in my directory, I have calls coming in and do not have time to go through all the last names to see what jogs your memory. Please have that information in front of you when you call. Good Day.

I said Good Day.

UPDATE: This morning it was brought to my attention that taking 20 steps away from my "cell" to get water, is not right, I should be calling somebody. I normally bring a water bottle because I have to drink a ton of water, but forgot it. I need to ask permission to go to the bathroom AND get water, at 27 years old, I can say that this really, really pissed me off. I'm waiting for someone to tell me I am now drinking too much water... The things we do for love!

The yin and yang of surprise

2010-09-28T10:42:00.011-04:00

Source
I would like to assure you, dear readers, by sharing what I did that I am a)wanting to give you my real world view b)a strong woman who knows she'll do best for her baby and for herself (cause if momma ain't happy, no one is). Life is difficult at times. Thank you for being so kind and understanding.

In less than one year D and I have fallen in love, left the only city we both had ever known, left our friends and family, had a career/job change and learned we were going to be parents. We both take this parenting/baby thing very seriously, he is a man with heart and what I failed to realize was me discussing my fears, worries and concerns never gave him the opportunity to share his. Having a baby is new to both of us, not just me.

The end is much closer than the beginning now, we feel her growing strong, moving around, feeling her elbows, hands, knees, feet and head. We still can't see her, but we feel her, we are happy and laugh when she really whacks D. Last night, she was cheering with us as were hoping for a Packer victory, reaching out, giving us a fist bump or high five. Before the playoffs, she'll be here to cheer with us in person (Indy needs more Packer fans)!

God gave me a baby first

2010-09-27T10:37:00.007-04:00

This past weekend was supposed to be wonderful, romantic, D and I's FIRST wedding together. It was not at all what I hoped, planned or prepared myself for. I was hurt, angry, telling a drunk lady at the bar to STFU (telling me I was going to have my baby early because of stress), sad, depressed, crying, ugly cry and even as my cousin wed the love of his life, more ugly cry. I hope I didn't ruin their wedding pictures.

D did not come to the rehearsal (I was a bridesmaid), he was not at the ceremony, he did not attend the reception and I was preparing myself to leave Indy in disbelief that at 27years old I had allowed myself to get in this predicament. I am honest, too honest for my own good sometimes, I feel my 8 readers need to know, we are on thin ice. I am not sure if/how I will discuss the details of the argument/issue, but two people can do A LOT of talking over the 4.5 hour drive back to Indy. Today we are beginning to do the doing.

I spent Saturday morning, getting my hair did and crying. Looking at myself in the mirror and wondering for the thousand time in my life why I was not good, pretty, worthy enough, why this continues to happen to me and what on earth am I going to do with no job, lots of bills and 9 weeks until baby came. My Aunt took me outside to talk.

She would send me cards in the mail "just because," on one of those cards she wrote:

'You deserve a love so great because you give love so great, don't settle.'

We talked about that, I cried, she listened... I turned my phone off and wanted to enjoy this day. Getting ready, I decided no more tears, I was putting my make up on and would be damned if I had to redo it. My mom told me he sent her a text asking me to call him, I did not. I was busy.

Tears continued, I'd have my moments, think I was strong and then something like trying to buckle my shoes would set me off (my feet are so swollen I couldn't do it myself). I cried, more like sobbed, nearly all through the ceremony. I didn't know how I would be able to make it through the day, all the family there and D not in attendance.

When the wedding party stopped at a bar, I was sitting with the ring bearer and the inquisitive flower girl. She kept looking at my belly and asking questions, then she asked THE QUESTION: "Are you married?" I kept it together, replied, then of course the follow up "Are you going to get married?" I responded 'someday' feeling the tears welling up in my eyes.

I needed to change the subject, kids like to know why you're crying... Before I could think of something, she stated "So, God gave you a baby first." So innocent, so wide eyed, so simple. 'Yes, yes, God gave me a baby first.'

I didn't shed one more tear the rest of the day.

Newest member of my family!

2010-09-22T21:15:00.006-04:00

This is a picture of the bump (July 31), me (crouching down) and the wonderful lady who will be joining our family FINALLY this weekend. The instant I met her, I loved her, she was adorable, sweet, funny and opinionated all lacking from my cousin's other girlfriends.

My "cuz" is an only child, my brother and I grew up with him and I think of him as a brother type, I will certainly be Auntie to their babies and they will most certainly be Auntie and Uncle to mine.

I was nervous to tell her about the baby since it would interfere with her wedding (I'm a bridesmaid) and I had just read a post from Pissed Off Bride (whatever happened to that blog?) regarding her MOH getting pregnant when she knew about the wedding. L isn't like that at all, but I did want to ask her if she still wanted me in the wedding, I would understand if she didn't. She did and all was good, except the stupid drama with my dress, but that's over now, I hope.

I told L D and I got some pictures taken and I wanted to share them with her, they were our first ultrasound pictures when our little peanut looked like a little gummy bear. L was the second one I told in my family that I was pregnant and her response was "I'm so excited to be an Auntie again."

I really love this lady! I'm thrilled she is finally joining our family and cannot wait to share in their special day! I get a niece and a SIL all in one week, I could not ask for more!

Pregnancy, Babies and Feminism

2010-09-22T08:34:00.006-04:00

Last week, I mentioned how WONDERFUL it is to pregnant, this week I was blessed with, what I can describe as, my pelvis feeling like it's going to crack in half. At nearly 30 weeks my 40 pound weight gain is really felt now along with the growth of our baby. This past week I've felt like an Oompa Loompa. I'm feeling more excited and nervous than I have ever felt.

I'm happy to report my SIL who was pregnant with me (10 weeks ahead) delivered her healthy baby girl on Monday! Soon, it will be my turn... it seemed like her pregnancy went so fast, even to her, and mine feels like it's speeding forward as well. I'll let you know in 10 weeks how that's going. My mom was told my due date was December 18, my birthday is January 8, they had to pull me out, I wasn't coming in this world without a fight!

I had dreamt again last night about money and woke up feeling anxious and stressed out. Apparently, on top of my bills, I signed up to take a class (don't ask what class, I do not know) in order to pass this class I had to pay $300 as an assignment. I was doing exceptionally well in the class and I would fail if I didn't pay the $300 that I would have to get from D. What does all that mean?!

Back in the "olden days," how was this solved? I'm not sure what it is about marriage that would make the thought of D paying my bills "better," but as it stands I feel horrible and crummy about it (I wasn't very financially responsible and took a large pay cut when I moved here). Feminist movement, making me feel guilty for having my sweetheart financially take care of his family. Not to mention Christmas around the corner, what will I do?

I'm giving him a child, that's a pretty big gift in itself, but it will be our first Christmas together with each other and as a family and it will be only us as we are not going to travel back home with a newborn. I am excited for Christmas with our baby though, D even asked if we should get a "real" tree. I think we'll pass this year, we'll have our baby to take care of I wouldn't want anything additional getting in the way of spending time together as a family.

I put this burden on myself. If you ask D, he would ask why I even worry about that and he'll take care of us, but I don't want him to stress out, his job is stressful enough.

I love this man, I love that I can give him a child, I love that to me he is just so dashingly handsome I cannot help but stare at him, I love that he watched GLEE with me last night, I love that he eats my plain meals and always takes seconds, I love that he is kind, good and will take care of his family, I love that he gave me the opportunity to have his child and join the mommy club.

10 more weeks to go! If only I could get him to start on the nursery!

What a difference a year makes

2010-09-20T12:57:00.004-04:00

Yesterday would have been my dear friend Mikey's birthday. Mikey committed suicide late in the evening on/about February 27. We got the news February 28. Last year, we went to a bar around my hometown. I almost didn't go, had too much to drink the Friday night before, but I got myself put together and headed out. We had so much fun that night and I remember.

Mikey touched the lives of a lot of people, after I logged on to my facebook account yesterday morning I saw all the messages of Happy Birthday or today would have been your birthday. It would have been his 33rd. I drew a bath, put some bath salts in and just sat, reflecting. Of all the twists and turns my life has taken over the past year, the biggest one has been losing him. His dad committed suicide, he hated people that did that, it was weak, it was selfish.

Mikey had four children, two beautiful girls and two handsome boys. He was a "sweetheart." Nearly his whole body was covered in tattoos, but even suburban me managed to get past that quickly because of his personality and kindness in his eyes. One of the last times we went out, I was with "the guys," and some other friends came to join and Mikey told them I was "one of the boys."

The last time I saw him, he asked if I was pregnant yet. Unbeknownst to me, I was. I often wonder if he knew, he had been battling the demons quietly, I wonder if some kind of serenity had come over him and he was able to see things others couldn't.

I'm thankful for the memories. I want to see him seeing me with my swollen belly and have him rub it and smile and be happy.

Body movin, body movin

2010-09-17T11:08:00.009-04:00

Baby getting down and you know I'm crush groovin!

If you follow me on twitter you know about my love affair with feeling baby move inside of me. Once she really got to moving I had to yell at my sister and tell her she never told me it was THIS cool. She just laughed and said "you can't really describe it." And, (shh, don't tell her) she was right!

I'm 29 weeks now and feeling all kinds of wiggles, kicks, jabs, rubs, jumps and who knows what else. I wish I had a see through tummy to watch my girl as learns to practice breathe, suck her thumb, blink her eyes, and move her little body all through my womb. I spend much of my day with at least one hand on my belly, sometimes being filled with so much happyness (yes, I spelled it with a y on purpose) I think I might explode.

A couple times, I've been shocked and a little sickened by what my hand just felt move around in belly, I know it's my baby, but when she kicks and then rubs her leg hard against my tummy, it's odd, weird and makes me think of this:

Source

I know my baby is not an alien (D still questions it from time to time), we have proof:

Ladies who haven't had babies, don't say I didn't warn you... Don't be alarmed though. I see some movement under my skin, but not much and if you're not looking, staring like I do you'll miss it, but that is coming too!

This "alien" feeling is rather new, she's getting stronger and more active everyday, I still love it, I love knowing that I am growing a human (Que the Superman music)! Most important is knowing I'm growing a healthy human. I'm glad, I'm blessed, I'm going to be a mama!

I look up to my younger sister

2010-09-16T14:00:00.002-04:00

I was scared to tell my mom about my pregnancy, I told her I was moving to Indy and that was big enough for her to deal with. I was leaving her and going to start my own family with a man I had known for 4 months. How quick things had changed for me. I was 27 and still nervous about telling my mom. I was nervous for myself, a baby, a child, is a HUGE responsibility.

My sister (C - technically step-sister), was much different. She fell in love at 14, her high school sweetheart, he broke her heart so much. She needed the love, seeked it out like me. She cried and there was always drama, the relationship was so rough on her. I tried to talk to her, but I myself wasn't good at the few relationships I had, plus I was in college and going out to parties and having my own fun.

She told our Dad she was pregnant on his birthday, via text message. My mother called me that night telling me she was proud of me and told me of C's pregnancy. My heart broke for her, so young, not in a healthy relationship, why would she throw away all that for a baby?! She had so much time, he had just graduated high school, she's was going to be senior in high school, be off to college the next year, but that changed. She told me she forgot to take her pills, I told her boyfriend she forgot and to be careful, both of them to be careful. It came out that they were trying to get pregnant, they wanted to have a baby.

I couldn't understand, I didn't understand. My niece was born two days before my sister's 18th birthday. C moved in with her boyfriend, into an apartment of their own. She lived there a couple months after the baby was born then moved into my older brother's house, but her and Ron kept a relationship, their relationship, with all the drama, fighting and love that two young people have. Soon after, C was on her own, raising a baby and doing a fantastic job (much to our surprise). She loved that baby girl with her whole heart, she was/still is overprotective, but she gives up so much just to raise my niece.

She is 20, going to college now, working, raising a two year old. Ron wasn't much part of her life and when he was, C fought with him. C still did such a great job at raising K. I remember when I told her I was pregnant, that I hoped to be as great a mom as she is and she started crying. No one in the family had told her that before, it was hard, everything she had to deal with. Still she sucks it up and raises her baby.

Her true strength was shown this summer. Ron died. An accident, sudden, quick, permanent. I now look back and wonder if Ron knew maybe his time was going to end early, maybe he thought he wouldn't have another chance. My sister, his first and (quite possibly) only love, was the only one capable of handling this beautiful little girl, teaching her, helping her, showing her. She does such a great job.

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.” - Unknown

Non marié, unverheiratet, non sposata

2010-09-15T11:41:00.001-04:00

I felt and continue to feel so much angst over being unwed it has brought me to tears numerous times throughout the last 28 weeks or so (I'm hormonal, OK?!). I am and remain a firm believer that just because you have a baby does not mean you need to get married, but it has not been easy for me. It's not about the wedding, I'm game for the courthouse, it's about the promise.

Way back in March, D came home late, we ate dinner, and sat on the couch cheek to cheek. He told me this is how it will be, he works late and wanted to make sure that I would be OK with that. I replied, so long as you don't mind me being in your face when you get home literally. He responded it didn't even cross his mind until I mentioned it.

D has lived with women before, D has been married before. In my 27 years, this is the first time I have lived with a man besides my Dad. I've had to adjust to this. I mentioned previously he works long hours, but he comes home from a long day and the first thing we do is embrace each other.

A strong foundation for any relationship. I stop what I am doing, he comes in looking tired and beat from work, but we embrace, we have a moment, we're back in each other's arms again and I still feel so safe, so calm.

Sometimes he'll go through the mail, others he'll head upstairs to change, sometimes he'll just disrobe in the living room (he's a guy, where did you think that going?), sit in his underwear turn on ESPN and get the latest highlights. I then finish dinner, set the living room table, we make our plates, eat our dinner and usually play a game of RPS to see who gets the ice cream.

Our lives are fine just the way they are for now, I have to learn to stop worrying considering he's given me no reason to worry.

Cest La Vie

2010-09-13T15:21:00.003-04:00

Our Childbirth class was cancelled, I was so so bummed. I did leave work early to get there on time. We weren't the only ones who didn't get the memo and I registered Friday morning for the evening class. The lady I spoke with asked if I was "the Teen Mom," umm, no, glad you classify people here.

We wanted to go car shopping, the dealership was closed. It would have been nice to go out for dinner, we had Subway beforehand. We went to Goodwill so I could get some Maternity clothes and then walked around the strip mall. Tried to talk D into getting a cat, but that was a waste of my time - "we're having a baby." We met some friends up at the bar and this preggo got down to some old school MJ!

I had gotten a second wind by the time we got home, but D was ready for bed.

Saturday, since I was way over due for an oil change, we did that and went to get a new memory card for the camera so I could have pictures to show you, my dear readers. Some newer one was on sale at a store that rhymes with Smarget, 8G's so we purchased that and the camera works! Watched college football and had a homemade country fried Pork Chop dinner.

We didn't really take any pictures, but in between games, D got one of my bump with headphones taped on, I let baby girl listen to music for the first time this weekend and she danced and danced. I went to upload the picture last night and low and behold, the computer didn't read the memory card.

Maybe pictures on my blog was just not meant to be. I try, I really do.

Weekend Plans

2010-09-10T10:57:00.003-04:00

Yippee, Happy Friday all! So 12 more weeks to go all I can think is HOLY CRAP! Between now and then I have so much to do. One thing we are crossing off the list this weekend is Preparation for Childbirth class.

I just found out this morning we would be doing the class because D doesn't want to do the standard 4-5 week classes, he said he would forget stuff between classes. The only other weekend class is his birthday weekend so we needed to get it done now. I don't really care how we do it (in a weekend or throughout a month) so long as D remembers and can keep me focused and motivated during my labor.

I wanted to clean and direct our attention this weekend to what will be the nursery since we haven't started that and get our camera fixed or go shopping for a new one. Hopefully we can have the camera before I start on the nursery project.

Sunday is dedicated to football. Maybe I will be able to get D off the couch, he can at least fold some of the laundry while watching football and golf all day.

What activities do you have planned for the weekend?

Can I get a Woo Woo

2010-09-08T16:03:00.012-04:00

This post is long overdue! Like I told you in the beginning I don't know WHAT this blog is going to be about, but I love having a space and part of the web. Plus so many of my favorite bloggers have made life long friends through their blogging and I like friends!

I need to shout out to KJPugs, she did this post and she mentioned my blog! :) It was one of the proudest moments of my life! I got acknowledged for being a blog of substance! I wasn't sure if it an award, I saw the other gals mention it as an award, but didn't want to be the weird one who accepted an award that really wasn't an award (sorry MJ, we know you did it). It was awesome to be recognized!

Thank you from the bottom my heart, it feels good to be acknowledged! KJ is a sweetheart, she rescued her adorable pugs and if you never gave pugs a second look (D says they have a face only a mother could love) check out her blog and you'll be head over heels!

To sum up my blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience in 5 words…

I just wanted to blog.

I used to be a Facebook stalker (who am I kidding, still am), but then I got involved in twitter through my friend Amy Little Miss Wedding Planner, got hooked on her awesome blog, she did a shout to other awesome bloggers, they all had twitter so I would follow them to see when they put up new blog posts after I caught up on their previous posts. I do Google Reader now, there was an answer to my prayers!

I digress, there were so many awesome people I was following on twitter and who were following me back, bloggers who had stories, thoughts and feelings, when I started with twitter I picked that name cause I wanted to have a blog highlighting my move, KJ gave me the push I needed when she asked if I had a blog, no one had asked me.

I decided to create it and share it. At first the posts could not come fast enough, it was nice to go back and create mine and D's story and how I got here. I'm looking forward to moving forward and reflecting back. It's nice to know there are people out there reading your words, listening to what you have to say.

I need to work on getting more pictures. I appreciate my followers and readers and, like every blogger, LOVE reading your comments. Yes I promise to have more pictures, we're having issues with the camera right now, but I am working on getting another.

So here are my top 10 choices for blogs with Substance:

http://but-then-i-had-kids.blogspot.com/

http://ambergontrail.com/

http://blueeyedbride.com/

http://www.becomingsarah.com/index.php/site/index/

http://dearbabyblog.com/ and her other blog withoutmelissa.com

http://divorcedbefore30.com/ looking forward to her follow up blog emmasota!

http://babykellogg.tumblr.com/

http://fosterhood.tumblr.com/

http://littlewedplanblog.wordpress.com/blog-roll/

http://ohhappymiracle.tumblr.com/

Of course my dear followers and commenters, but I didn't want to keep repeating. I'll make sure to shout out at your blogs in the future! And since I'm a doting mother today at 12 weeks left to go in my pregnancy (or so they say), here is a picture of my beautiful baby doing a fist pump! Rock On!

It's not all puppies and sunshine

2010-09-07T15:46:00.007-04:00

My story doesn't end with me and D riding off into the sunset on our way to Fishers, happily ever after. Our story is not a finished one, sometimes it feels like it's closer to the end than other times. I have left a lot of things I loved when I moved from Wisconsin, this has been the toughest part.

Nearly three months have passed since my move. I am lonely here, I don't have my friends, I don't have my family, I don't have my job. I have a bump containing a baby in my belly (yes, I know you want pictures, but the camera needed more than a memory card). I came here for him, I wanted a new beginning for myself too, but I was thinking more of in a professional manner, not mommyhood.

When we met, I was independent, I worked very long and hard at being "ok" with me. I was happy, I didn't "need" a man, but I wanted someone to share my life with. I've become so financially dependent on him (trying to find work when you're four, five, or six months pregnant is not simple in this economy). I'm having difficulty adjusting to it. It's not about me anymore.

He's made friends. They go out, they drink, I sit at home. Sometimes I feel I'm SOL, sometimes I feel I made a mistake. He tells me I worry too much, I'm too sensitive. Maybe it's just hormones, maybe I'm not strong enough to do this on my own.

When left alone, one cannot help but to think. I think a lot, mostly about this baby and what I am doing and if I can do it right, if we can do it right, if we're going to last, if not, then what?

My friends in Milwaukee that were pregnant complained that no one called them to go out, maybe it's just part of pregnancy and this too shall pass. Granted sitting in a loud, smokey bar for hours is not my idea of a fun night right now, it will change. Although a bar is not out of the question, D and I go to BW3's for the trivia on occasion.

Life as I had known it changed forever. Yes, my life is slow now, mundane sometimes (no more Sunday funday), but also filled with amazement and awe at the little kicks and punches inside my belly and how my body is changing and what it is doing.

I got pregnant after dating 4 months, we'll be having a child near our one year anniversary. We are adults, we both knew what we were doing. I knew this would forever change my life.

Still these insecurities and worries remain.

Leaving what is "Mine"

2010-09-03T14:21:00.006-04:00

I lived at home till I was 24 years old. I moved into my apartment in Dirrty Stallis (that's West Allis for those of you not familiar with Milwaukee)in March 2007. Bars on every corner, so many hole-in-the-wall bars, mullets and cut-off shorts, but it's relatively safe and like 15 minutes from everywhere.

So many memories I have in my little apartment. I found out the day before I was pregnant. Since I was going to be moving to Indy asap, I gave my landlord notice April 1 that come April 30 I would be moving out. Financially, I couldn't swing saving money and staying in my apartment and having a baby.

We needed eachother now, we couldn't be apart while we were having a baby. It broke his heart to not be at my first apointment. My best friend Mo went with me, we kept joking "we're having a baby," so I wasn't so nervous. I scheduled the dated ultrasound at a hospital on a Saturday so D could be there. We almost didn't get in cause the Doctor never sent the order, I thought D was going to go apenuts on the receptionist. We got in.

It was tough being away from him, thankfully, I didn't get any morning sickness, but my emotions were a wreck. So many phone calls, I mailed little notes to him, so little time we had together during the weekends. We had hoped I would have been there already, now I had every reason I needed to get there as soon as possible. My focus shifted from finding THE job, to finding a job. He told me not to worry, he would take care of me, he just wanted me in Indy.

D wanted to tell my family that weekend, Easter weekend, I wanted to wait until after the first trimester. He had already told his. Actually, I wanted to wait till I was out of the state, far away, maybe when I was in labor. Or I could just come home with the baby. I wasn't sure how my family would handle the news.

I couldn't hide it from my Aunt Is, she asked if I wanted a beer (she never asked if I wanted a beer, she knew I would just grab one). I declined of course and she kept asking if there was something I wanted to tell her mentioning I was glowing. She was so excited for me, touching my belly, telling me there's a baby in there, that I'll be a great mom. They were my "cool" Aunt and Uncle growing up and they still are. Supportive of me no matter what, I love them so much for that.

Collectively, we decided June 12th I would go. In a way it was like ripping off a bandaid. I discussed it with my boss, D, my family and that was the day. Job or no job, I would make the move.

**I would like to wish you all a SAFE and healthy holiday weekend! We're going to get a new memory card so I can have some pictures**

Also, for you twitterers you can follow me on there, same name as my blog!

The Results are In!

2010-09-01T13:51:00.003-04:00

Well, you all know the outcome of my pregnancy test that morning. I woke up, called D. Told him I was going to take it, it takes about 3 minutes to process, so I would get in the shower and call him when I was done. I just finished flushing the toilet when it was confirmed what I had suspected.

Shaking, excited, scared, I called D back immediately. We had previously discussed that he hadn't had a scare in his life, or anything close to so he thought there might be something wrong with "his boys." The first words out of my mouth were "You don't have a problem with your swimmers!" Wow, ok, whew, alright. Wow, pregnant. It says Pregnant. D said he was ready to be a dad and asked me how I felt. I was still trying to grasp my mind around what this would mean. We both had to get to work, so no long convo.

I remember getting in the shower amazed at what my body was doing, there's a person growing in there. I'm going to be mom, a MOM. I remember specifically washing my stomach that day, pushing it out, imagining what it would be like to have a swollen belly fully of baby. Ready or not, I was going to be a mom, D was going to be a dad.

275 miles separated us, but I had never felt so close to someone before. While apart, I would always keep one of his shirts when we visited, I would bring back the one with the faded smell of him and would trade it in for a fresh smell of him. (Gosh, I love the smell of him!) Now, though no matter the distance, I had a part of him always with me.

That day at work, he kept calling me, checking on me, making sure I was ok. I was fine, I was more than fine. We had been dating for 4 months, in love for three, living in different states, him just taking a new position... and we were given a baby.

If they jumped off a cliff...

2010-08-31T09:46:00.003-04:00

Would I? No, but two out of my three readers (clears throat) have done this, so I too will do this for them.

Full name: Jenell Marie

Gender: Female

Age: 27

Birth date: January 8

Place of birth/Current place of residence: Born in Milwaukee, WI/Fishers, IN

Heritage: Polish, English, Irish, German, Lithuanian

Siblings: Two Step Brothers, Mike (31), Hunter (17), One Step Sister - Chloe (20), One full bro, Mike (25)

Religious/Spiritual affiliation: Raised Catholic, parents divorced at age 13, then I was a bastard. I got called enough names in school and didn't need to be called more at church. Went to a Christian church, it was huge, but definitely like the non-denominational. Haven't really gone in a while. I love Jesus and know I need to trust in and follow God more.

Pets: Bird, cockatiel, his name is Bird.

Marital status: Not Married

Sexual orientation: Straight

Tattoos/piercings: Had my belly pierced, being 6 months pregnant kinda ruins it though. I have a Chinese tattoo on my left shoulder that means "self respect," a high school girlfriend has the same on her mid back. I was a baby when it came to tattoos, scared I couldn't finish it once they started. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

Glasses: Just for sun, I have sensitive eyes.

PC or Mac: PC, no experience with a Mac

Mobile phone: Samsung, I can call and text, send the picture message for an additional 50cents. Nothing fancy.

Do you believe in ghosts? Yes

Do you believe in UFOs? Not that some one's going to abduct me.

Abortion: Pro-Life.

Death penalty: Yes please.

Gay marriage: Love knows no boundaries.

Where have you traveled? IL, IN, MI, HI, CA, VA, DC, Mt. Rushmore, MO, IA, Jamaica.

Where else can you be found on the Internet? I'll never tell...

Surprise

2010-08-30T14:32:00.003-04:00

Remember Rosanne? On one of the shows DJ asked her if he was an accident. She said he was a surprise, DJ then asked the difference. She responded an accident is something that happens that you never want to happen again, like a broken arm. A surprise is something you didn't know you wanted until you got it.

We weren't trying to not get pregnant.

I talked to D before about this, told him I was nervous waiting Christmas Eve since I was freaking out(as I never had to take a pregnancy test before), he told me he was not. Told me he's not worried and that I shouldn't be. He loves me, I love him. We both wanted a relationship, we both felt we found "our lobster." We were pretty confident we had. The test was negative.

I surprised with him a visit March 27th, although I would see him the next weekend for Easter, I just couldn't wait. I was down in Kenosha that morning, a stone's throw away from the Illinois border and 3 short hours after that could be in my lover's arms! He was out golfing with a buddy when I got there, I waited a couple hours and then he was home.

I kept checking, waiting, cause I knew it should be any day. I couldn't remember what day I had circled on my calendar at work, but it was always near the end of the month, like clockwork. When I returned to work on Monday morning, I was 5 days late. Maybe it was stress, I told myself, it will come. There were signs, I could feel them, any day now. D asked me if I felt different, sick or boobs hurt worse than normal. I didn't feel any different, I was just worrying myself over nothing.

Tuesday night, I grabbed a pregnancy test on my trip to Target that night. Later in the evening, I grabbed a six pack of beer and headed to my girlfriend Mo's house. Pregnancy test are best taken in the morning I was told, this was my last night that I knew I was not pregnant. We drank the beers and smoked our cigarettes, I headed home, called D and slept well that night.

Gone in an instant

2010-08-26T13:27:00.006-04:00

He left on a Monday, car packed, ready to go. I lied to my boss (sorry), told him D was going to Indy for training, I was going to drop him off at the airport and he'd be home on Friday. Truth is, we met at my apartment, went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch, back to my apartment and off he would go in his car packed with necessities.

So many questions ran through my head. Would he be the same? Would I be the same? Can we do this long distance until I find a job? Would everything fall apart and the idea of me moving be the joke of year amongst friends?

I knew he would come back, but only to finish packing his stuff and have the movers come to pack and ship it for the drive to Indy. He was looking for a place for us, sending me pictures and info. Letting me know how he felt about each place and asking what was important to me about where we lived. All that was important to me was that we would be together. Everything else would work itself out.

We had agreed, that we should think this through a little bit. I would need a job and money. Although my car would be paid off I did have credit card and student loan bills to pay. I did not feel comfortable with him paying my way, he helped out when I needed it. I flew down the first time to see our house, see the city, see him. I drove the other times, it wasn't too far of a drive and it was worth it to see him.

Shortly after, I came clean to my boss, told him D was living there and I wanted to go with. I wasn't ready to leave my job, I loved it, I was good at it. I learned so much from the short time I was there. TD needed to know, I think he already knew before I told him.

I got two interviews, but no job offers. I couldn't keep taking off work when I was lucky to land an interview, my boss had worked with me, but I understood his position also. I appreciated our friendship as much as our professional relationship. I would just need to save money, pick a date and go, it was much harder than I thought it would be.

And then?

2010-08-24T10:00:00.004-04:00

Two weeks later, we learned D was up for his promotion, you know, the one where he may have to relocate. With this one, he would, it was in Indianapolis. One week after that, he was offered the job.

He called me as soon as he got off the phone with them, told me he was going to think about it, negotiate with the company (he has such a grown up job!). He wanted this, but didn't plan on meeting me. He needed to know that I would go with him, I would join him on his journey. He had to take this, that was not a question, he worked for this, he needed to do it. He wanted me by his side.

I knew I would regret losing love more than I would regret losing some time in Milwaukee, after all, I had been in Milwaukee for 27 years now. It was impossible for me to get lost in this city, I knew all the roads, all the restaurants, all the bars. The city was getting old to me. I needed something new, a new focus, new direction. I told D I would go.

The question was, do we go "balls to the wall" or do we think this through?

2nd Month

2010-08-22T12:15:00.000-04:00

The second month I am not proud of, the second month, he should have left me, went back to doing what it is he does and just left me. I didn't deserve him, he was more than I could have asked for, what on earth did I do that I was so lucky to have this man as mine?! So I broke up with him, cut it off, I was done, I wanted him to be done to lose my number and not call. Before I get hurt so badly I'm not even sure I can fix myself and bring myself back to where I was before him. It was easier that way, or so I thought.

He came back, he kept coming back. I would argue about trivial, petty things would tell him I'm done and he would come back. I'm not proud that he came back, I wondered why and if he was for real. Still, eight months later, I hold him and kiss him and silently thank him for not giving up, for not leaving, for being so kind and wonderful to me it made me want to pinch myself to make sure I was not dreaming. I wanted this so bad and it was there, it was here for me. More than the man of my dreams, safety, security and love, strength, sexiness, patience and understanding. He understood me, he knew me, he could read me like a book.

I got through it, grew up and realized this is the real thing. I let go and let myself fall knowing his arms would catch me and hold me and calm me and free me. My world would never be the same.

The First Month

2010-08-20T15:27:00.004-04:00

The next month was spent going out, hanging out and getting to know each other. He came to my apartment first, I was so proud, it was my little tiny apartment, but it was mine. I introduced him to my cockatiel "Bird."

He invited me to his house in Genesee, a huge, gorgeous home with a lot of land, he was so proud showing me. I felt small and silly that I was so proud of my apartment and he had this large, terrific, beautiful home. He never said anything bad about my place though. He would come over often as I would go over to his place. My first visit I brought beer and cookies, lucky for me cookies were his weakness! He loved cookies as much as I loved cookies.

Our first time staying in we watched the Packer game at his place, it was then that he noticed what I wanted, what I really, really wanted and as simple as it was I had to go through so much to get it... it was love. I couldn't help myself but call him "love" before we said "I love you." He didn't stop me, or freak out, or back out, he didn't mention it. It was as if I had called him "dear" or "darling" or "baby."

While out at breakfast one morning he mentioned to me that he had signed up for a management trainee program at work. Wonderful I thought, he wants to be successful and do good things. He continued to explain that this may involve possible relocation, "awesome" I said trying mostly to convince myself. He saw right through me and told me I "looked like someone just told me they ran over my puppy." He asked if I would move should things work out with us and I told him of course, I'd be up for it! There was no guarantee, no time frame and no opportunity at that moment just a possibility.

As he opened the car door for me, we both were entrenched in a passionate, romantic kiss when we were interrupted by a woman with a young child trying to get into her car parked next to his. "You aren't married are you?" she asked. "No" we responded. "That ends when you're married" she told us.

Hi, I'm Jenell, you must be...

2010-08-18T13:15:00.001-04:00

I walked into the bar slightly after said meeting time, there he was, sitting at a table near the bar, not what I had imagined from the picture. Brown jacket, check. Brown shoes, check. Okay, suck it up you told him one drink, that's all.

"Hi," I put my hand out, "I'm Jenell" flashing my nice to meet you smile. Getting a weird look from this guy, uh-oh do I have something in my teeth? I told him I cut my hair and didn't get a chance to put a new picture up, it did look good. "Hi." he responded. "Umm, are you D?" "No, I'm Todd..." "Oh, sorry, I was supposed to meet someone and he said he was wearing brown shoes and jacket and... well nice to meet you." Fail.

I sat down at the bar making sure there was a seat for D when he arrived, on the right was an older woman, we shared a good laugh at my mistake and began to share small talk. I was waiting for the bartender so I could order my drink when he arrived.

Immediately I was nervous, I don't get nervous, he saw I was nervous kept bringing it up. No, wait, I'm strong, I am woman hear me roar, see that I'm independent, see that about me. He bought me a drink and sat down. He told me to relax, to not be so fidgety. What was going on with me?

He was attractive. Tall, (score!) being 5'9", I liked that. He looked strong, he looked put together, he was handsome, not intensely handsome and if he knew it, he certainly didn't show it. He let me do all the talking, I talk a lot when I'm nervous, couldn't even stay on one subject, I wanted to tell him everything and nothing all at the same time. He was safe, he was kind, he told me I needed a shot.

We had a blast the rest of the night, I calmed down, we played darts, we went to other bars, we danced, he dropped me off safely at my apartment (too many shots for me) sans kiss. I called him that morning and told him "we both had too much fun last night!" He agreed.

My lightbulb moment!

2010-08-17T13:00:00.000-04:00

As my friend Amy would say, "We interrupt this blog..." I was a doink this weekend, crazy, deranged, I need to stop freaking out.

As previously mentioned my last romantic relationship ended when I was 20 years old. I am now 27. Yes, I have dated, but nothing serious as I would not let my heart get broken again. This past Saturday morning, I learned my lesson.

D broke his phone, we are waiting for the new one. D went out with some work buddies after work, I told D to call me for a ride and I would gladly pick him up later in the evening. I spent my Friday evening doing laundry and catching up on Days of Our Lives.

10:00pm - Called D's friend B to remind them to call me when they needed a ride and to say "hi." B was already on his way home, D stayed out

11:30pm - I went upstairs to bed, turned up my phone volume and put the phone next to me

2:15am - Woke up to use the bathroom, no D, no missed call

4:45am - Woke up to use the bathroom again (pregnant ladies pee A LOT), still no D, still no phone call

5:00am - Left the bedroom headed to the office (soon to be baby room), checked twitter and email, wait it out

5:30am - Went back into the bedroom, turned on TV to watch the news to see if there were any accidents last night

6:00am - Getting worried and scared about D's whereabouts

6:30am - Began sobbing, planning my "I'm leaving" speech and how irresponsible he is considering he's going to be a father... if he's still alive

7:00am - Still sobbing, worried now that something horrible happened to D, I text B to inform him D did not come home or call last night and if he could 'please help me'

7:30am - No response from B, back to angry, can't believe he would/could do this to me, I'm hungry now so I go downstairs to make myself a bowl of Cheerios to find...

D lying on the couch, Doritos all over. One sock half off, jeans on the floor and head supported by many couch pillows. Woke him up - one of his co-workers drove him home around midnight, he fell asleep on the couch, stairs were too much work for him.

I need to relax.

I was tired

2010-08-16T14:34:00.006-04:00

So the smoker guy's picture was handsome and he had personality. Normally I don't give out my phone number, not until AFTER I met the guy, but it was easier for both of us (namely me due to my inaccessibility to the internet). We had planned to meet on a Thursday 8:00pm at a local tavern near my house, he lived a 1/2 hour away, but worked near my apartment. I was exhausted from work and made the mistake of coming home and laying on the couch... At 6:30 I called him and told him I was tired and wanted to reschedule.

I had a long day, I wasn't feeling up to getting all dolled up and putting on a big smile, I liked my couch and what was I thinking when I scheduled us to meet? I told him I felt bad, but it wouldn't work and next week might be better. Grey's Anatomy was on. It was easier to stay on my couch, to dream about laying there with a man, making dinner together, cuddling up and watching Grey's and Private Practice. Besides, what if this was like all the other boring no chemistry dates I had gone on?

He was already out, in the area, he could meet me earlier, I told him fine. I would meet him at 7:00, but what he saw was what he got and I wouldn't be staying out long, one drink then I was heading back. I even used the line "even if you're the man of my dreams..." Cheesy! No makeup, not doing my hair, not getting all dolled up. He was shocked that I wouldn't even be wearing mascara. I did put mascara on, my favorite scent at the time, my express jeans, yellow top with pink jacket, tennis shoes and out the door I went!

He told me he was wearing a brown jacket and brown shoes. I told him I was wearing a yellow shirt.

Someday my Prince will come

2010-08-13T10:00:00.003-04:00

I tried this time, I really did. I took time to edit my profile, Jen-nie took a GREAT photo of me, I picked catchy headlines and updated frequently. I spent lots of time on there, during work (I didn't have Internet at my apartment) and when I would go to my parents house. I was going to make this work. I did the new contacts and if after my six months was up I did not find him, I would get six more months and by then I would for sure find him! It's the guarantee, "find a match or it's free."

A few emails here and there, but they were too short, not attractive, too desperate, or too weird or divulged way too much information... breathe, you have time I reminded myself. I was 26, I hadn't been in a serious relationship since I was 20. I never lived with a man, I never shared with a man, I didn't have much time. My friends were getting married, they were moving in, they had babies already. The girls in the bars were getting younger and here I was getting older, thicker and drunker. It's okay, I assured myself it's fine. I'm special, I'm different someone will appreciate that. Don't worry.

And then it came, another email from a guy without a photo... What is with that? Don't they understand attraction is part of dating? I'm not the prettiest thing in the world, but I would like to see what I am getting. Smoking, he likes that I smoke... wonderful sounds like the man of my dreams (I was trying to quit at the time, hoping I would meet a non smoker). Did he even read my profile? He does want to settle down though, I'll respond to his email. Maybe he's new...

A couple days after that we're online at the same time, he messages me asks me how this online dating thing works. I go with the tried and true meet for a beer and darts and go from there. Worse comes to worse we have a beer and a game of darts, if things go well, we have another beer or go somewhere else. I told him he should get a picture up though, pictures are important in online dating, his response: "My mom says I'm handsome!" Shortly after he emails me to inform me got a picture up and I did agree with his mom, he was handsome!

24 weeks

2010-08-12T09:00:00.001-04:00

Today I am 24 weeks pregnant. I love it, not every minute of it, but I love having our baby. 'I'm growing a human, what can you do?' It's awesome and amazing all at the same time. My body has changed so much. I still walk by a mirror, look and am surprised sometimes. 16 more weeks to go!

This all began last October

2010-08-11T15:00:00.008-04:00

I'm going to start off with the reason I am in Indy and how we met and our story so far, the plot thickens rather quickly even I don't know how it ends...

If you would have told last-year me I would be pregnant and preparing to become a mom, she would have laughed, lit up a smoke, finished up her beer and asked for another. Last-year me did want to find a "someone special", she wanted to find some to love and someone to love her back, but they hadn't found each other quite yet and that was OK.

I'd had been waiting for 5 years, what's another couple years? I had so much love to give, I'd spent plenty of time alone. I'd made real, true, honest to gosh friends and was content where I was in life. I had a job I enjoyed and was good at. Somewhere where I made a difference, I was important and I counted. I felt like I was on my way to something.

My mother had been bugging me for awhile to do online dating. I did yahoo personals a year or so before with no luck, more recently I had been on plenty of fish and that was a joke. I wanted to find someone who had their stuff together, was without babies, or drama, didn't need to go to the bar all the time, wanted to work out and most importantly wanting to find and give love. Share their life with somebody, build a life together. My besties were already married, Mo Mo last December and Jen-nie in June. Sigh, always a bride's maid, never a bride.

I saw the look of desperation in my mom's eyes as she asked me yet again to do online dating, she knew how lonely I had been, how badly I wanted love, she offered to "pay" for it. Not too far from the Holidays, but not so close, enough time, plenty of time maybe I wouldn't have to spend another holiday alone, answering yet again, why I didn't want to invite a date to the celebration.

So I did, I signed up for Match, mom gave me her gift certificates to restaurants which I could use on my "dates" and the rest in cash. I was excited, I was ready, I wanted this, not too much, but enough that yet again I would make the effort to get a dolled up, put on my best smile and welcome the opportunity to meet my future husband!

Welcome

2010-08-10T11:53:00.007-04:00

This blog should have been started June 12, 2010 when I made the move from my hometown New Berlin, WI all the way to Fishers, IN. I say all the way like it was a far trip, but I have never lived outside the greater Milwaukee area. I have lived in three towns - Milwaukee, New Berlin, West Allis.

At 26 years of age my mother thought it be best for me to meet a man. I opted for Match, mom paid, I guess she was desperate. One month later, wouldn't you know, I met a fabulous guy. Two months later, he got promoted which included relocation to Indy. Not wanting to regret losing love, we decided I would move to Indy, once I found a great job in this wonderful city!

March 31st all that changed. We learned we were going to become parents. Instead of seeking my dream job, we decided I would move out of my apartment and stay with my Aunt and Uncle in Milwaukee for a little bit. I would work, save money and then, I would move June 12 letting God take it from there. A week and a half after my arrival, I was lucky enough to get a temp job in downtown Indy working full time and have been here since.

If you're wondering what this blog is going to be about... umm, I don't really know. A journal of my moving, pregnancy, fears, dreams, thoughts. It's been quite a ride and I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm doing something with my life, exactly what that thing is I haven't quite figured out yet, maybe you'll let me know what it is. I followed my heart and here I am!